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Latest BM Drama

I Think I Am's picture

BM has been married for a year & just found out her DH has been having an affair for over half that time. A whole ass other relationship by the sounds of it. I know Stepland is making me selfish because my first thought was “great – how will this affect me/us” because I KNOW it will & my second thought was “those poor kids”. Her eldest two are SO’s but she’s got younger ones too. What a mess for them but my first thought was about myself.

Everyone keeps saying “I can’t believe he would do this” but I’m not at all shocked. Maybe a bit surprised that he was clever enough to lie for so long but that’s about it. She made a series of poor decisions & now here she is. For one thing, she chose someone young & dumb, mistakenly assuming that she could control him (financially, physically, all of it) but where there’s a will there’s a way & if someone wants to cheat they’ll cheat. I mean, we’re not talking about Rose & Jack or Romeo & Juliet here, they’re just two people who met & settled.

Nobody deserves to be betrayed, not even BM but in further proof that I’m not cut out for Stepping, I don’t even feel that bad for her. Since when do I not have a lot of sympathy for the victim of an unfaithful partner? Since now – apparently! Perhaps because she’s the perpetual victim, always has been, always will be.

SO is mostly concerned about his kids but I know he feels bad for her too. He doesn’t hate BM like most on this board. I can’t control his feelings but he agrees that it’s inappropriate to emotionally support her in any way & that's the main thing. The problem is, she keeps reaching out to him, I get the impression that she’s telling anyone & everyone who will listen about her woes. The other thing is that my SO’s brother rents out BM’s granny flat/in-law apartment in her backyard (long story, I have blogged about it before, SO & I both told him we don’t approve when he moved in but it’s his life & his choice) so he’s far too invested in the unfolding drama & making it harder for SO to have boundaries (boundaries are a new thing for SO as it is – he doesn’t need them tested hah).

I can’t help but wonder what will happen next. Will she be dumping the SK’s on us more? She normally hordes them because she doesn’t have an identity as a grown woman without them. Will she be chasing more money? The affair took place at work so she made him quit his job & she she hasn’t, doesn’t & won’t work. Steplife is no good for me – I hate that what gets tossed up over there always lands at our feet.

I’m usually pretty disengaged but I’ve inserted myself more this time, I’ve been around for long enough now, I’m not getting caught unawares. Is it okay to want more information/ask a lot of questions/expect a different level of transparency from my SO? It may sound trivial but this is what sometimes confuses me, I have set the precedent (choosing to be somewhat disengaged from the start for example) but as time progresses, I sometimes change my mind (in this example I want more information as opposed to asking him to keep me out of the drama).

Let's see what unfolds - time will tell...


stepmomnorth's picture

That is a lot to take in. I can say, I feel like I would be feeling the same way. And hopefully all of that drama does not spill over into your life and change anything in your own family, that's what I'd be most concerned about as well. I tried to stay out of what was going on at bio moms house and sometimes that was easier said than done. Really there was no reason to talk about our bio moms boyfriend..

But sometimes it was all related and tied to what was going on with our step kids. Thats where it gets more tricky. For example we have this feeling they all allow pot smoking with our step children, perhaps even at their house, maybe even with them. Our step children would come over and were surprised that we had issue with them smoking pot at a young age and to me this was incomprehensible. On what planet do teens think it's common fare to be allowed to smoke pot at their parents and their parents wouldn't have any boundaries.

Same as yourself I kind of waffled back and forth between wanting to know details from my partner and wanting to know NONE of what was going on. Sometimes it can get to be too much.

Hopefully, in the end, what happened with bio mom won't affect things too much with your schedule and relationship with the kids. 

I Think I Am's picture

Yes, your example is a perfect one, that kinda thing happens here too but this 'blow up' at BM's is the latest (& one of the bigger) things in recent times. I'm definitely going back & worth with thinking 'knowledge is power' & also wanting to stay as far away from this mess as possible. Thank you for your understanding:)

la_dulce_vida's picture

Boundaries are important. I would take the kids on a schedule or as much as is good for THEM - not BM. Feeling bad for BM and letting her dump the kids off for her own convenience would be enabling her crap behavior.

My XH1 likes to bend my ear about his relationship woes, but I've had to shut that down. He lost that privilege when he failed to be a good friend to me during our marriage.

Tell your SO to look up BIFF communication - keep the emotions out of it - all business. He doesn't need to be a shoulder to cry on to step in and care for his kids. BIFF is mainly for hostile interactions, but can work with emotional interactions as well:

I Think I Am's picture

Thank you for help on BIFF communication style! You may not see this, there's a bit of a time difference for me so this is delayed but I appreciate it. I'll definitely look into that further & share with SO. He didn't grow up with many boundaries & although he likes them in principle, he struggles in practice, so this is a great tip.

JRI's picture

Based on my experience years ago with our own unstable, unemployed BM: 1) the kids will be affected.  This will show up as anxiety and distrust.   The more sensitive the child, the more anxiety.  A SD will absorb the distrust of males; 2) money demands will increase; 3)  you will yearn for more info so you can predict what will happen but you'll only get parts of it second-hand; 4) you will have the kids more and at unpredictable times.

Good luck.  The best thing you can do is model stability.

Ashleytenorio17's picture

So my take away from this is BM should have never forced her husband to quit his job because their went her child support if and when she files for it. Also we sort of went through this with our BM and BM got worse but I feel like she made her own karma and like you I have no sympathy for her. She had it made with her husband just like she likes to live her life not working and mainly using her partners money. She ended up cheating on him and her and SD moved out of their comfortable house and environment. BM ended up moving 3 hours away to a small town to be with her BF she cheated with . When she finally realized she would have to work and support herself then came the demand for increased child support from DH , she always started to oddly enough back out on her duties as a mother . All the sudden she didn't celebrate any holidays anymore ( Christmas, thanksgiving, New Years, Mother's Day !) and she would always dump SD on us, she could not even plan birthday parties for Sd anymore. She has gotten worse as far as her behavior and attitude towards us . So in my experience it made things really bad ... I hope it's not the case for you 

CLove's picture

yes, been there and done that many times over...let me count the ways and details for you...

1. When first Husband and I got together in a formal relationship, Toxic Troll was also "dating" and we got kids according to her dating schedule. When she didnt have a "date" (I say it with quotes because typically date means s@xy time) she was lonely for her child-binkies.

2. When Toxic Troll and Tweedle Dum were fighting, and/or it got violent, Husband would swoop in and pick up SD, so we would have her at odd days then too. And I know that I should have sympathy/empathy for Toxic Troll as a victim of domestic violence and abuse, but I just dont have any currency in that bank account...

3. Toxic Troll was evicted so she moved in with crazy troll for a bit therefore SD B/M was living with us a month steady. And again, I KNOW in my head that I should have sympathy/empathy for Toxic Troll being homeless, but again, NADA is there. This was her own fault and she is the one making decisions in her life, so shes having to suffer the repercussions.

4. Toxic Troll and Feral Forger would fight like crazy and we would pick up SD B/M because she would be upset by all the fighting.

And of course there is always the child transport and Toxic Troll is now working again, so we have to accomodate things in that area too. Luckily we live within a few miles but according to my internal countdown clock, only 1 year and 11 months more to go...

Ispofacto's picture

Satan was opposite.  She was always so much more ballsy when she had Mealticket backing her up.  When he dumped her, she was embarrassed and needed to lick her wounds.  The Eye of Sauron is on him now, he is in her headlights and she needs to run him down.  He cheated on her, LOL.  -- I know, I'm heartless. --  The same way he cheated with her when she lovebombed him away from his wife and kids years ago, while she was still married to DH.  It was a huge source of pride to her back then that she took a married man away from his wife, and kept it a secret from DH for a year.  She hates intimacy, so she was known to brag to people that she was not required to have sex with him once she lured him in for his money, thinking she would double dip DH and Mealticket's monies for the rest of her life.  We were all speculating that he had to be gay.  Now Mealticket is on the receiving end of the vitriol he enabled for so long, and Satan is completely broke and her ego is bruised.



Mamabearof3's picture

My SD was very angry and hurt when her moms fiancé cheated. Yet she totally glossed over her mom cheating on said fiancé. They both just cheated apparently but SD was mad because her mom told her he cheated more. It was stressful to listen to. But I just listened and let her vent.  

Rags's picture

breeding and cheating.

He grew to detest his Biodad for his characterless crap.

Sometimes, kids do learn the trugh and leverage it to make good lives for themselves.

In my SS's case, his drive for character based strong relationships like the one his mom and I have modeled, my parents have modeled, my brother and his wife have modeled while seeing his Spermidiot use and abuse a never ending train of women, his SpermGrandPa cheat and have affairs, etc.... is a quest that SS is commited to.  Just as much as he is commited to not being like the shallow and polluted end of his gene pool.

hregal2011's picture

My DH's ex is on hubby #3.  Every choice this woman makes good/bad has some sort of effect on my household.  It sucks.  Second hubby was a tool and put SD in a few traumatic situations..and BM kept on keeping on and told everyone the then 10sd was a liar (cue the reason for years of counseling/behavioral issues and confused outlook on life) she left him and is on hubby #3 who is wayyy younger than her (poor naive dope) and they are due to have a baby in august which SD refers to as 'the thing..'

so I completely understand Why your first thoughts were of your family..because unfortunately every flippin thing they do, has some sort of effect on us. Either directly or indirectly.

Rags's picture

I heard through the grapevine that she may be divorced for the 3rd time at this point.

I feel for her three cheat babies. Two with the the geriatric Fortune 500 executive sugar/baby daddy she was skanking with whe she was married to me, both out of wedlock and the eldest she was pregnant with at our divorce hearing. He only married her after their second OOWL spawn was born.  The third she got pregnant with when married to the guy she was cheating on me with though that baby is also OOWL and conceived while cheating.

Her eldest has to be nearly 32 and probably struggles with his mother's crap.  I am just thrilled that I avoided genetically participating in her spawning and have not had the associated to drag along in life.