The not knowing and anxiety

SS is supposed to be here on Tuesday. We of course have no word from him or BM if he will be arriving. SS did not acknowledge DH on fathers day. I tried to reach out to him 3 times over the 3 weeks before (once a week) to ask him about gifts for DH with no response. So basically same ol' same ol'.

Last night DH sends me a text (sitting right next to me) and smirks and says thank you. This usually means he found something either funny or dirty and is proud of himself so he wants to share it with me LOL. However this was not the case. It was a list of activities for when SS is here, if he shows. I look at the list and my face filter obviously wasn't working because DH immediately asked what was wrong.

I told him that I really do think his relationship with his son is important. That I support it. That I will always encourage it. But... I don't think I am going to be around much this visit if he shows. I am hurt. I feel sh*t on. I am just not able to overlook his behavior and blame his mother anymore. DH said he understood but asked if I would at least go to the beach and kayaking with them. Sure, I will do those 2 but that will probably be it for family bonding from me.

Then DH asked about BS's car in the driveway. BS is visiting his dad and DH thinks that SS will ask to use it. I told DH that it wasn't going to happen. First, BS hasn't even driven it yet, he has been with his dad. 2nd I am not inclined to give someone who can't treat me with common courtesy the use of MY car. ExH and I paid for it and I am insuring it. Not DH and not SS. So no. He can't use the car.

DH asked what I would say to SS if he asked- I told him exactly what I just said. He said ok, he understands.

I really hope he doesn't show up. So that means he probably will.

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justmakingthebest

Dang it girl what a shitty way to live. Will the lil dicktator show or not. I am anxious for you just reading this. I remember those days all too well.

You are 100% correct in that SS should not use your DS car. For DH to even think for one milisecond that would be ok is astonishing.

Thats why these skids are shitty. They are given little to none accountability for their piss poor behavior.

You will get through this with your disengagement. Peace out.

I think he agreed, but wasn't

I think he agreed, but wasn't sure how we were going to address it with SS if the question came up. I have NO PROBLEM being the evil SM if that is what is needed here.

What is there not to know how

What is there not to know how to do? "Sorry son, it's not your car so you can't drive it." What's so hard about that?

I agree and didn't hesitate

I agree and didn't hesitate in my response. I think once I said it, DH was like, oh, yeah, just because it is there doesn't mean he can use it.

I'm sorry that you keep going

I'm sorry that you keep going through this. I have been following your blogs for years and I know the anxiety and pain this has all caused.

I hope that SS doesn't show and I hope he just stops coming all together just so you can have some peace and closure to all of this. I know you and DH have given this kid your all, only to be rejected time and time again. It's terrible living in an unknown limbo wondering "Will he or won't he?" Hugs to you!

Thank you!

The uncertainty would be

The uncertainty would be driving me crazy. I am a huge fan of predictability.

i agree with not letting SS drive BS's car. No one should get to drive a car just because it is in the driveway.

Since SS won't be driving BS's car, is DH considering letting his son drive his car? If he is, he needs to check his insurance. Does his son need to be added to the policy? Will there be an extra cost (how much) for the son to drive his car? Is the son still covered by the policy BM has if he is driving Dad's car? Does SS have his own policy?

Actually he won't be driving

Actually he won't be driving the car DH usually drives. That is mine. It is company paid for and registered to me- but it is a hybrid and DH has a 30+ mile commute daily so he takes that and I drive the old huge SUV gas guzzler that actually belongs to DH becuase my commute is less than 1 mile.

He can take the old tank if DH wants but he isn't driving my new nice Camry either and if he wrecks it, not my problem. I have a car.

Your SS has shown some pretty

Your SS has shown some pretty big lapses in judgement.. the drinking etc. I wouldn't want him driving anything of mine either!

Good reminder! I will throw

Good reminder! I will throw that in there as well as reasons that I don't trust him.

For your sake (and really

For your sake (and really your dh too), I hope he doesn't come. Unfortunately, I think he will. It seems like this kid gives just enough to string dear ole dad along. He is wanting to go to college, right? Wasn't he talking about visiting some with your dh? He knows his mom won't be able to help him.

Yeah, that is the plan. There

Yeah, that is the plan. There are 2 that DH wants to take him to that are within a few hours from us with the program he wants to study. I will not be joining in for that. Thankfully DH has the GI bill so his college costs that are part of the divorce decree won't cost us anything out of pocket. But DH said that once he is 18, if he cuts DH off, he will make SS sue DH for them.

Your. DH is the problem

He like being sh*t on. You can't change that. Anybody who asked about ueing DS car , and not knowing how to say NO. Has a major problem. Your DH thinks like SS. The World owns them

ALSO anyone old enough to drive should be telling DH his travel plan. Not BM. Like dad I will be on flight # landing at airport X at this time

He wants to be in his kid's

He wants to be in his kid's life. I can't blame him for that. I don't know what I would do in his shoes, it is heartbreaking. He is doing good at starting to create boundaries. Taking his cell phone last time for being disrespectful was a huge. He has also made it clear about college.

I think his asking about the car was more in asking my thoughts. He didn't argue or even try to create reasons why SS should be able to. It was more - what is your stance on this and then he agreed.

Oh- and I 10000000% agree that it isn't hard for someone who is almost 17 to simply respond to travel plan questions. ALSO I think BM just likes the power trip of not responding so that DH has to call an airline to find out if he is on the plane so we know if we are picking him up.

Unfortunately I agree

I feel like the last couple visits SS is supposed to come we all have said sadly it is probably better he doesn't and then he shows up. I wouldn't be surprised if he doesn't this time since the judge said that BM wasn't in contempt recently so what is there for her to lose by not sending him? I would be cocky if I was BM that the judge won't side with you either on the financial end.

heck no, SS should not be allowed to use that car, it's not your problem and SS doesn't deserve the privilege of using anyone's car in my opinion. He is there to see his dad so if he comes he should be doing exactly that spending time with his dad not running off.