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Adding first bio child to our merged family

brittnydee's picture

Need advice on how to tell SS8 that I'm pregnant!

I just found out I was pregnant a month ago (about 12 weeks along). I'm incredibly excited as I have a lot of medical/fertility issues and didn't know if it was even possible. However, the timing is terrible. We are currently going through a battle for primary custody of SS8 (bio mom is moving over 2 hours away and is trying to take SS8 with her) and there is a lot of tension between the households. Bio mom is using every form of manipulation already to turn SS8 against us (it hasn't worked but it hasn't stopped her trying). I'm worried about how to tell SS8 about the baby without bio mom getting involved and twisting it into something negative.

We will do all the standard things like make sure we make special time for him, especially with his father and let him know it won't be changing anything (baby will have its own room so he won't lose space or have to share). But I don't know how to pre-empt/prepare for her manipulations.

CastleJJ's picture

You don't. You hold off on telling SS8 because kids don't know how long it takes to make a baby so who cares if you tell him at 12 weeks or 7 months. He won't know the difference. Plus, telling him to early just means more time that BM knows and can cause stress/drama. If you have medical complexities and this is a miracle baby, I would be doing anything necessary to avoid the extra stress and avoid putting the pregnancy at risk, even if it means withholding this information from SS8. 

In terms of BM, you and DH adding a baby to the mix is none of her damn business. She can raise hell all she wants, she isn't entitled to that information. 

When you decide the timing is right to tell SS8, you buy him a shirt that says "Big Brother" and maybe buy him a book that explains about adding a sibling and being a big brother. You hype him up about all the fun things he will get to do with his sibling, like play together, and that he will be able to teach your child how to be a big kid. Get him excited about it. 

Hugs and congratulations to you and DH!

ndc's picture

We ended up telling the skids earlier than planned because DH let it slip to his ex-FIL (they worked at the same place) so we knew it'd eventually get to BM and we didn't want them to hear it from anyone but us. Once others know, that's a very real possibility.

We weren't worried about PAS or BM putting a negative spin on it, so we gave them big sister t-shirts and made a big deal of what great big sisters we knew they'd be.  We also kept them involved by letting them make decisions about things for the baby where I was willing to give them control - for example they picked some clothes, blankets and toys, but we didn't offer them a say in name or room color; they made paintings for the baby's room and we hung them; and they were in our baby announcement picture.  We didn't tell them things wouldn't be changing (we knew they would be), but we didn't tell them things would be, either.

Congrats on the baby!

shamds's picture

I don't know when and frankly couldn't care much since he is such a recluse, rude and disrespectful. Hubby simply told him we were pregnant and he needed to ne considerate of others and stop being a slob. He didn't change much