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BM demanding same day responses

Biostep7777's picture

How would you address this? HCBM refuses to use OFW (they agreed that they would use it and now she's saying she will only use it for bills but not for communication) we are working on this with attorneys but in the mean time she uses email and emails him several times a day then when he gets around to checking he has a bunch of emails demanding same day or next day responses. 

DH gets about 100 emails a day with work and does not always check his personal folder. He told HCBM if she needs an immediate response on something to please message him on OFW as he will be notified right away and if it's urgent he can address it but that if she emails, he may not get it for a few days. (He answers emails and is on business calls a lot for work so he just can't check his personal emails daily) She will not do it then emails him and says "if I don't hear from you by the end of the day I will take that as an agreement" or "If I don't hear from you by tomorrow I will be purchasing what the boys for sports gear (or whatever it may be) and I expect reimbursement. Then she will of course pick out the most expensive things she can then say she gave him adequate time to respond and he didn't. ( agreement stated he pays for MUTUALLY AGREED UPON extra curricular costs) 

I mean really? Should he be checking his email every hour to see if she wrote something? Shesh! She's so HC who needs to make every single thing difficult. She is desperate for attention but DH doesn't give it to her. She can't stand it! Lol So, do you think he's covered because he told her if she needs an immediate response to use OFW? He won't look bad not answering immediately right?? I told her how to communicate if a quick response is needed. He literally doesn't have time to check emails every day and he let her know this. 

futurobrillante99's picture

Please have your husband contact his lawyer and have his lawyer contact her lawyer to say that he will only respond within 24 hours to messages in OFW. That use of email will not get a same day response and any decisions made as a result of using email will not be mutual and she will be fully responsible for those expenses - he will not agree to share those expenses.


tog redux's picture

Wow, she's  exhausting. She must really be jealous of him moving on with you. I think 24 hours is fair. He'll just have to refuse to pay for some things if she goes ahead and buys them anyway.  I would suggest for now that he checks his email at least once a day, though. 

justmakingthebest's picture

His lawyer needs to draft a letter to her attorney stating that your DH will not respond to any messages that are not in OFW.

Unless there is a physical emergency where someone is in danger, hurt, etc- all communication is through OWF. Period. End of statement. He agrees to respond within 24 hrs of any OFW message. 

Exjuliemccoy's picture

High Conflict exes are all about control. Rules don't apply to THEM.

Your H needs to stop playing by BM's rules and FOLLOW THE COURT ORDER. He needs to use OFW for ALL comms. Winning at parallel parenting looks like those workplace safety posters that tout  " ____ number of days since our last accident!", but with "since I heard BM's rachet voice!" instead.

CastleJJ's picture

Is his email for both BM emails and business emails? If so, do what everyone else mentioned and have her only use OFW via your attorney or make sure that he has an email address for BM only. 

If your DH doesnt respond in 24 hours, it doesn't legally give BM a free pass to do whatever. If he did not mutually agree to pay for something or make changes to x, y and z, then his non-response is not an agreement. So if he fails to respond and BM pays for something, guess who isn't getting reimbursement... BM. Silence does not equal consent.

But 24 hours is considered reasonable by the courts for response so he should be checking at least once a day.  

Biostep7777's picture

Ok thank you. He did tell her to please message him through OFW if she needs immediate response (which would probably be defined as 24 hours) but she refuses and continues to email. Yeah, I guess he's just going to have to check emails daily. Shesh! 

justmakingthebest's picture

Or set that auto response for her stating to message in OFW. Then he is not only responding but training her that if she wants something - follow the rules.

simifan's picture

He needs to respond with this, then copy it as on autorespond on all of her emails -

Any mail to this email address is considered a non-emergency and will be responded to when convienent. If this is an emergency or needs a response within 72 hours, please contact me on OWF. Please note - I will not honor any requests for consent or reimbursement unless submitted through OWF. You may NOT assume I am in agreement unless you have my written approval.  

skell76's picture

there needs to be documentation and this is the easiest way possible with an auto reply to her emails. She can't argue she didn't get an auto response. This is what we did as well with HCBM.   We do have a rule in place in the CO on the 24 hour thing, that's for her because prior she would refuse to answer anything DH sent but like yours demanded immediate response.  Queens of double standards. 

Biostep7777's picture

No. We are in a court battle so we need to make sure we are being reasonable and on best behavior. I mean, I didn't knkw that meant letting BM walk all over him with no boundaries. Ughhhh!! This is so frustrating. DH thinks she's pathetic and only answers to what's absolutely necessary. 

Jcksjj's picture

Block her email. She'll have to communicate on OFW then. I'm sure she doesn't want to because she can't act as insane that way or controlling. It sucks if he has to have a set time in which to respond- it's ridiculous how getting divorced can give an ex more control than when they were married.

Survivingstephell's picture

She's testing him to see how firm his new boundary is.  I like the suggestion of an auto reply spelling out  his terms for response posted above.  

Maxwell09's picture

She is going to keep emailing him because he keeps giving in and responding to her on there. Multiple emails a day is excessive. She is overstepping the whole point of the email-a buffer and althernative to instant messaging (texting). He doesnt have to answer her, he can read them and just not respond. "I forgot" and "I didn't see it, she sends me five to six a day" can be used against her in court. If she wanted something really bad then she will move to OFW for a response. 

Biostep7777's picture

Oh I agree!!! We are in a court battle right now though so yeah, we need to be doing these things while attorney work if out. It sucks!

Rags's picture

BM needs the message that she can shit in one hand and demand in the other and see which one fills up first.

Time for you and SO to cut her off completely other than OFW.

The_Upgrade's picture

Pity we can't set "I'd rather shit in my hands and clap than say yes to whatever the hell you're asking. Have a nice day" as the automated email response