HELP, Im so torn - the ex wife from hell.
Hey guys, Im H (25), brand new to this site, so not super familiar with the abbreviations but will try my best.
In short, met my current partner K (35) 6 months ago, at work. hes recently divorced from the Ex (34) (like 6 months prior, she was having an affair with a younger man and left K)
** I was on visa with my ex 'S', were good friends, relationship broke down but was definetly breaking the rules not declaring relationship was over to Dept of immi. **
Theyve got 2 kids D5, S10.
Shes clocked that weve started seeing each other, we all lived in small country town so news moves quick and work for same company. Were happy, it moves quickly.
Within the space of 2 weeks, Shes tried to hit me with her car. Shes broke into K home and taken the spare key to his car and waited for me to enter the food store, then proceeded to steal the car, Shes cornered me at work, threatened to acid attack me and spread rumours around the town im a sex worker.
She has had several of her friends say that ive been slandering her at work, subsequently i lose my job, Shes then proceeded to call the department of Immi, stating im having an affair with her husband and I get my visa cancelled - to leave immediately.
This has all happened in weeks.
Shes turned the children against me, SD5 thinks im great and doesnt listen, SS10 has learnt to tell his mum im mean to him so she gives him presents and abuses me and his father, She has fully alienated SS10 from father. Everything is about money.
My current predicament is, K wants me to return to Aus when hes divorced in October, with him legally as his wife. But i am absolutely terrified of the ex from hell and Ill always have to be near her because of the kids.
Any support you can give would be great, im 25 - new to this Stepworld and living in fear of his unstable ex, But i love him and want to be with him .
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Change your avatar
Change your avatar to something that is not a photo - you don't want the ex to find you on this site.
Agree! Silly me! thanks
no picture is probably better.
I’m australian and one of the biggest problems i see from your
Post is that your partner wants you to move back and be his wife but he has not done anything to fix issues with ex-wife. Restraining order, theft of car!!
also the allegedly slandering at work, hearsay isn’t proof and if you were fired allegedly because these magical witnesses popped up, turns out they are close friends with the ex and there is no independent witness to verify the slandering, you actually have tribunals to address the firing.
you needed a dashcam on your car and personal recorders or camera to witness the audio and video threats.
the ex is crazy, but nothing you have posted states what has happened to prevent these issues happening via legal means.
i would have a very hard time being with a man who did nothing when i lost my job because of his issues and kicked out of the country
also as far as i know, dept of immigration australia doesn’t kick you out because an exwife and her friends or family allege that you are cheating, they are focussed on you 2 as a couple and its just common sense the vindictive exwife...
dept of immigration would also confirm eith your partner you are in a committed relationship but the issue here is you have no police reports, restraining orders etc against the ex.
Your partner asking you to be his wife, major changes need to happen now!!! Restraining order, police called when she trespasses or breaks into his home and steals car keys.. heck if my skids invited bio mum into my home i would call the cops as no way in hell would my husband be ok having her crazy arse in our home with our young kids...
you don’t ever need to be near the exwife or in your presence, i have been married to my husband 5.5 yrs and never met his exwife and never plan to!! She is batshit psycho crazy and had her police dad and brother threaten to shoot or stab my husband to death for not giving more money in the divorce- funny now those family members of her hate the exwife now. My husband has not seen his exwife in 11 yrs now, any pickups or dropoffs- his son came to help his sisters, hubby stayed in the car and exwife never came out...
so if you choose to still be with this man, no empty promises but actual immediate changes now and you want the proof, promises things will change mean absolutely nothing right now... restraining order and the moment she breaks into his home and steals his car, police report lodged. No bullshit excuse “I don’t want to cause drama as she is the mother of my kids bullshit!!”
even my husbands exwife is crazy and he has and never will allow her anywhere near me and any attempts by skids to have hubby play happy family with bio mum at her home with hubby #2 falls on deaf ears... thats the kind of man you need to have your back but this man didn’t and hasn’t had your back so what is so appealing about him?? I’d have a hard time loving this man right now because he’s helped destroy your life, career and future and did nothing but ask you to marry him??
Bingo! "I’d have a hard time
Bingo! "I’d have a hard time loving this man right now because he’s helped destroy your life, career and future and did nothing but ask you to marry him??" Far too many men with kids try to get their new SO or wife to fight their battles for them. They want to hide behind their SO's skirt. Then, to top it off, once they move in with or marry, they'll expect their SO to do the same with their own children--take on what should be the parent's responsibility of raising their own children.
Manipulative, controlling BM and weaker, enabling DH = step hell. Also, since they are not even divorced yet, you could go through years of further angst (that is in addition to the above), only to have your DH leave or decide he wants to keep things status-quo, etc. Meanwhile, you become the much despised "other woman" to all, and that is despite the fact that BM allegedly cheated first. Double-stds. still heavily exist in the year 2020, and when it comes to step-parents, there are far more.
It sounds to me like
It sounds to me like immigration did you a favor. The hard part, actually leaving him, has been done for you.
At 25, you have unlimited options and I would advise you to find someone who doesn't have children. Or at the very least, someone who has a healthy co-parenting relationship with an ex who is stable and independent. I know it hurts to break up, but in the long term you will be happier if you rip off the bandaid now.
I do agree
Thats the opinion of my family, the universe put 10,000 miles between us. like it couldnt physically put anymore, followed by a pandemic.
Yeah, we went to the police regarding her stealing the car - they said as they werent legally divorced yet its by right 50% hers and she has the right to take it.
I was trying to play my cards right, hoping to god she wouldnt find out about my visa when in reality she knew the whole time. It was in my documents at work and she had access to them. a smoking gun really to ruin me.
She sent them recordings, texts from K clearly refering to me, named as his partner and they did an inquiry into me, I probably could have fought it and got my Ex on board to help but a royal mess around with my migration agent led to me not hearing about my inquiry until 2 days before i needed to respond. and no funds to fight an appeal.
As an aussie, youll know the mentality of a mining town and its literally given me nightmares thinking back to it.
If she has accessed work documents to make up false claims to
Dept of immigration, that is illegal. There are tribunals in australia to address this and reality is the exwife should and would get fired by what you’re telling me but you need to know the legal avenue of things well.
if he wasn’t divorced, thats why people advise against getting into a relationship because of this kind of scenario and I don’t blame your family for feeling the way they do about this guy.
Such crazy drama and you still have another decade at least before worrying about your biological clock... if this exwife is this level of crazy, her kids won’t be any better and will pick up on these behaviors so you’re just torturing yourself..
It's not illegal here to
It's not illegal here to report someone who has overstayed their visa, as she has.
The only rational people in all of this
Seem to be your parents.
You are trying to illegally stay in the country you are in, you are dating a man who May be divorced but doesn't seem to be willing to put his ex in her place.
You should listen to your parents, as where you are headed with this man is only going to bring you years of misery.
I am not usually one to say
I am not usually one to say run on posts and I am not going to do it here.
What I suggest is going back home. Try to do things long distance. See if he can get his affairs in order- divorced, proper boundaries, come to visit you and make that effort. If he is, then maybe in a year or 2 when it quiets down, sure, move back. However- the likely outcome will be that he doesn't. He isn't going to do what he needs for you because BM is crazy and it is too much work. If that is the case then you will know that leaving was the best thing to do at the end of the day anyway.
Do you want your daily life to be insanity? Do not go back.
This is not the relationship
This is not the relationship for you.
Go home. Date long-distance
Go home. Date long-distance if you want. But go home now.
What kind of man would move across the world and leave his kids behind? If he thinks his ex is going to agree to send them to Australia for visits, he's lost his mind.
My line in the sand was that if the ex targeted me, I was done. Her initial digs and snipes to DH about me were not tolerated by him - and it thankfully didn't escalate.
There are lots of men in the world, don't tie yourself to this one.
Im glad i did this.
Thank you all for your comments, I needed this. I do still love him but I am going to use this time (pandemic) to be emotionally available to others, not limit myself to a man who still hasnt got his life in order 2 months after i left. Unsure where it will go from here but I wont return unless hes sorted his stuff out.