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A revelation for me

Queeny's picture

It's been a minute since I've posted a forum topic. The last month has been life altering and I think I am ready to share. I want everyone to remember before reading the below that my decision to stay in my marriage is mine alone. I'm here for support.
My husband had an affair at the peak of my anger and resentment toward his son, my SS10. I discovered the affair three days before our BD's first birthday. He had the affair in September.
I've been married three years and been in a relationship with DH for five-six years. BM is dead and died two years ago. Her death started the stepmonster hell for all of us (DH, SS10 and me). Dh's family, DH and SS10 expected me to fulfill a maternal role with SS10. It didn't work.
I found this website in November, posted my issues a few times and followed sound advice: read Stepmonster, vent online and disengage. Doing these things empowered me when I was at a serious low. I still have a lot to do to build up my self-esteem, to work through my depression and anxiety, to improve relationships and let go of control...but I must say, I'm a better person today and have a blossoming relationship with my husband and SS10.
It may sound crazy, but DH having an affair allowed me to completely disengage from SS10, to reflect on my mistakes, to find what I really wanted in my marriage and relationships with family, and to move forward with my head held high.
DH did not plan to tell me about the affair, but I had known there was something different right after it happened. Call it "women's intuition." After he had the affair and before I discovered it, DH STARTED to change. Maybe it was his guilt, maybe it was the start of his wake-up call...but after I discovered it, I think all of realized how bad and unhappy we were and put us all "in check" as to where our true roles should be.
I know for some people, cheating is a deal breaker...I used to say that. I know there will be days I don't trust DH, days I can't stand SS10, days I want to get out...but there have been some really good days lately. My education tells me this could be another "honeymoon" period and it may be! I may be making a huge mistake by staying. However, I feel more "at peace."
We're all in therapy, DH is reading Stepmonster, SS10 has been easier to cope with, and my stress level has decreased dramatically.
I married my best friend and I think we thought because we were so in love, that our relationship could be put on the backburner to deal with everything else. We lost sight of what the most important thing was: US!

amber3902's picture

You have to do what is right for you.

I don't think if someone cheated on me that it would be an automatic deal breaker. Depending on the circumstances, and if it was a one time thing, I would not automatically end the relationship.

I figure everyone makes mistakes.

Hopefully the two of you can realize what went wrong in the relationship and work on fixing it.

Orange County Ca's picture

The experts say that a marriage that stays together through infedility is a stronger one and less likely to end in divorce. My hats off to you.

Well not really I only take it off for one reason but that's another story.