Christmas Tree Blues
I finally got the tree up...found the motivation to do it. I have been so down I decided the tree would perk me up and get me in the mood for the holiday. I have fond memories of decorating the tree from my childhood and it has always made me happy.
DH was working, BD1 was taking a nap and I asked SS10 to help. He was elated!
The tree base busted last year (artificial tree person) so DH made this duct-taped mess that took me forever to assemble this year. But I got it up, with the help of SS. We were doing great and smiling and laughing...then SS asked to put the first ornament on. I didn't think a thing of it. Then my heart dropped when I saw what he put on there first...an ornament with a picture of his deceased mother. I froze, literally. It was like the blood drained from my head, I could hear my heart beating in my ears and my stomach lurched.
I know he has NO IDEA of my feelings about her and I know he is hurting. I'm sure if I were looking at it from an outside perspective, I would be hurting for him...but I wasn't. It sucked. I INSTANTLY wanted to scream and just rip the tree down. It was like my tree was tainted. I swallowed hard, breathed deeply and tried to hold back tears. The one thing I thought would make me happy, was just destroyed.
This place is the only place I will share this story with. SS needed it, I didn't say a word about it and carried on decorating. He was oblivious to my reaction and continued in his happy mood. And as I typed the above, I realized...I'm mourning too. I'm in a stage of grief: anger. I have been SOOO mad at BM for dying. Mad because she was stupid when she passed. Mad because she left me with a mess. Mad because she was not a great person, but is now a martyr. And I haven't moved on from it since she died. Thus, I have the Christmas Tree Blues.
Hang in there, it obviously
Hang in there, it obviously was very hard. It's good that you can see how your SS must have felt and why this was important to him. Perhaps you could do something special for him? Like ask him if he would like to have a special place in his room for this ornament. He has to mourn and he has to find peace within himself. If she was a trouble maker, then you can feel blessed that she will not be able to continue to create trouble for your family. Don't let this ruin the good time you and SS had getting the tree set up and decorated.
I like the idea of putting it
I like the idea of putting it in his room. Maybe you could buy him one of those tiny christmas trees people put on their desks at work and have him put it in his room. Tell him you think the ornament is extra special and he should put it on that tree so he can see it before bed and when he wakes up in the morning. I understand how hard it must be to see that ornament for you and believe me I would cry everytime I saw it, I think this way it looks like you want SS to have it because it is special and will help him mourn but YOU don't have to see it.
Trust me Foxie, I want to do
Trust me Foxie, I want to do what you suggested, but it wouldn't solve anything and would probably backfire.
I went out with SS today and bought a little xmas tree for $15 and he put it in his room with the ornament. He was really excited about it and I breathed easier. Thank you all for your responses, ideas and support.