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Freeloaders's picture

I am 57 and my husband is 61.
My first marriage lasted 30 years.
My son from my previous marriage moved out at age 19 while his dad and I were still married.
I've recently remarried. I knew he had a daughter, 29, from the wife before last.
He's a wonderful man, don't get me wrong, just bad choices in wives. (I hope he changed his taste when he married me!)
We got married in late October 2018. 
We live in the house I've lived in since my ex and I built it 25 years ago.
My new hubby, Jim, lived in a  'man cave' after his divorce in 2014.
We had lived in marital bliss only 4 months when his daughter asked if she could move in long enough to save on a down payment on a place of her own. She has no children and didn't even have a serious boyfriend at the time she moved in.
The house is a 4 bedroom/3 bath home. It was just Jimmy and I in the home.
The garage was renovated and was my son's 'apartment'. 
The step daughter has been living with us since March 2019.
She's a nurse and has a full time job. She's a good girl.
We made the mistake of not asking how long the stay would be.
Things have been a little tense on my part. She's completely oblivious.
She informed us before Christmas that "my other child" , her boyfriend, was on his way to the house because he had had an argument with HIS step mom. I didn't think anything of it
He stayed the night which was ok by us. The next night I found that they had a $1300 mattress that we had on the bed now on the floor and a new set on the bed. He said he brought his from home. 
Yes, my jaw dropped as well!
I told Jim what had happened. He was upset. Heather has not asked if he could move in. It put us in a very awkward situation. Til now she hasn't paid any rent maybe buying detergent a couple of times. Again, our fault. 
She asked if she and Tyler could give us some money each month.
Jim asked how I felt about it. Well, what was I supposed to say? I told him it was ok but I didn't want them staying long. 
The boyfriend is nice enough as has a job but I didn't take him to raise.
He takes 2 showers a day and she does the same. They wash at least 5 if not more loads of clothes a week. They have the best parking. She's not as clean as I am in my kitchen. She constantly is cooking and dirtying dishes. I had to tell her to clean off any food before putting them in the dishwasher. 
I told her dad that I was tired if having to fold her clothes before I could put mine in the dryer. I also told him to ask her to be mindful of how she treated the cabinets.
He told her they could stay until they found a place but to be considerate about the cabinets and laundry.
She agreed.
I've had to grit my teeth especially today when she told me that they were going on vacation in June.
I was hoping they would be gone before then!
This is really putting a strain on my new marriage.
I know that the right thing to do would to be to tell her clearly that they needed to be out by March, the one year anniversary of her moving in.
I think my husband is stuck between a rock and a hard place. He will do whatever I want but I feel guilty for asking him to tell her she needs to move out especially since it's just the two of us living here.
I'm afraid it will cause hard feelings between them.
Thanks for listening.


Kes's picture

It was probably a mistake to make an open ended invitation for your SD to move in with you.  I would suggest that you and your DH have a serious discussion about this, and for you to tell him that you are not happy with the current arrangement.  It is perfectly OK for you to have changed your mind - especially in light of the bf moving in without permission.  If it causes hard feelings between DH and his daughter - tough - she is not a teen she is 29 and should get her own place. If she needs to save for a deposit fine - but rent while she is doing so.  My daughter and son in law saved from the time they left university and last year bought their first house - they are now both 35.  They always lived in rented places up until then. 

twoviewpoints's picture

Oh my. You are way NG too nice and good hearted.I must add a bit naive in adult step children also. 

For your own comfort and happiness along with the cc sake a my d healthiness of your new marriage, you have got to get Heather and her uninvited boyfriend out of your home. No need to feel guilty about it. This young lady got along just fine and did OK up until last March without your nice big house and generosity.  She saw new step mother, took advantage of SM's innocence in such things and rammed right at you like a vulture.

Tell your husband SD and BF have u my til 1st of March to get out. It at least gives them time to find apartment and get moved in. If they have to cancel their June vacation, so what. 

To break the ice and start the serious discussion with Jimmy, print out what you wrote to introduce yourself here. Hand it to him, let him read how all this is affecting you.

Monkeysee's picture

Your husband isn’t stuck between a rock & a hard place at all. He’s blatantly aware his daughter & her bf are taking advantage of you (it’s your house, it’s you they’re taking advantage of, not him), and he’s too big a coward to give them a deadline or simply ask them to leave. 

Moving her bf in without even asking?? This girl’s got nerve, and it’s no wonder considering she’s been raised by a spineless father. I wonder if this type of behaviour had anything to do with the demise of his second marriage....

This is your house so you create the rules. Don’t wait for him to give them a deadline, you give them one yourself. You absolutely do NOT need to sit quiet in your own home whilst other people’s children make you uncomfortable and spoil the beginning of your marriage. If you’re not happy then it’s time for the freeloaders to leave. If your DH gets upset then it says a lot about him & what you’ve got to look forward to in this relationship. 

I would be appalled if any of my kids (step or bio) behaved this way. Same if my husband just let adult children move in & dictate the terms of the house like that. Find your voice & kick them out! If they’ve got money for a holiday they’ve got money for their own place. Enough is enough. 

tog redux's picture

I'm confused - it doesn't sound like either of you have objected to this, asked them to pay anything, or made a plan for them leaving.  You are just standing around watching them freeload without putting down any expectations for them?

Your husband is married now, his wife (you) needs to come first over his 29-year-old daughter, who seems perfectly capable of caring for herself but prefers to live off Daddy instead.

You might be finding out why he's been divorced so many times - perhaps it wasn't all the fault of the wives (it never is).

Monkeysee's picture

I’m guessing there’ve been issues with him being spineless towards his DD plenty of times in the past. Who moves a bf in without even asking?? It’s not even her dads home, OP’s been living there for 25 years!!! And this 29 year old just waltzes in like she owns the place? There’s no way something like this hasn’t happened before. That’s not normal behaviour.

tog redux's picture

Yep. Considering this SD is the daughter of the wife before last (how many times has this dude been married??), I'm guessing the last wife left because of his inability to set limits on his DD.

lieutenant_dad's picture

Gads, why does a 29 year old want to live in Daddy's house?!

I've been the adult SK living at home. I moved back in with my parents (about 8 months with my dad and a year with my mom) after I got divorced when I was 25. It was hell. I hated not having my own space, and considered multiple times moving out before I did because of how much I hated and how much of a burden I felt like. My parents could have asked me to do pretty much anything in their homes and I would have done it out of appreciation. And I made significantly less money than a nurse and still managed to pay off $8,000+ in debt, save $3,000+ for my house, pay my bills, buy my own food, purchase my own furniture, and pay rent. 

Your DH isn't stuck between a rock and a hard place. He either raised his daughter to understand that she can't be a freeloader, or he raised her to be a freeloader. Either way, the result needs to be the same: telling her she needs to leave sooner rather than later. If that strains his relationship with her, then he didn't effectively parent her. The fact that she is VERY comfortable moving her boyfriend in tells me that she has always walked all over Daddy and he doesn't have a spine to tell her no.

So, you're going to have to be the bad guy. If you want her out by March, tell your husband. It's not an unreasonable request. As a nurse who has paid nothing to you all, she should have easily been able to save $500/mo, so $6,000 by the time March rolls around. That's more than enough to use as a small down payment on a cheap house with an FHA loan, or enough for first months rent, security deposit, and brand new furniture in a new place.

Until then, start making it uncomfortable for her to live there. Stop folding her clothes and just start putting them in a laundry basket for her to fold. If they wrinkle, that's on her. Stop supplying her with laundry soap. Stop stocking the fridge with enough stuff for her to eat, and don't cook enough for her to have leftovers. Put your cars in the best parking spots. Start charging her for half the utilities. None of this is even remotely unreasonable, and if she throws a tantrum, then you know exactly what kind of spoiled brat she is. Hopefully she takes the hint that she has worn out her welcome and will start kindly making an exit plan.

This girl is almost 30, and this amount of help and freedom is absurd. Time to let her know the gravy train is ending and she needs to make new plans before she ends up pregnant and never leaving.

tog redux's picture

Dear god, I missed that she was a nurse! If she's an RN, she'd make 75K around here, easily.  I'm hoping that's not the case, that makes it all so much worse. Please let her be a minimum wage CNA.

Aunt Agatha's picture

You need to take control of your house.

At this point, it might be worth digging into tenants rights in your area.  At some point, the squatter of a step-adult-child May have tenants rights. If not, kick her out now.  She doesn't need three months.  Give her and her freeloading boyfriend until the end of Jan.  If she has hit the point of tenants rights kicking in, give them an eviction notice.

As posters mentioned above, my guess is dadeeees spineless behavior (who allows their daughter to just move in a boyfriend without asking!) is very likely a contributing factor of his other marriage problems.  

If he doesn't like his little precious princess getting the boot, send him out the door with his freeloading daughter and her bf.


i have no patience for this sort of thing.  You shouldn't either.

god forbid what if his daughter gets pregnant? I'd remove this mess now before it gets worse.  These are not children but full grown adults with jobs.  

STaround's picture

Your DH needs to give them a time table to move out and a list of house rules in the meantime.   Not charging rent is an invitation to stay forever.

Siemprematahari's picture

Sweety you have all the power here, this is YOUR house. I'd recommend giving your H a heads up that his daughter and BF will be vacating your home by 2/1/2020 and if he lacks the balls to tell her that you will. There is no ifs, ands or buts, heck you don't even owe her an explanation. Just say that she has overwelcomed her stay and needs to be GONE by that date. 

Winterglow's picture

Umm ... why are you just sitting there watching all this happen? Youi don't ask when a guest is gong to leave, you tell them that they can stay until (date). Stop playing the victim in all of this and draw the appropriate lines in the sand. You want them out by March? Tell them so and, while you're at it, go to your local court house, inform yourself of the legal process and get eviction notices drawn up. 

You have all the rights here and they have none. Tell her straight off that her boyfriend (your "other child" my arse!) is not welcome to stay. If she objects you tell her that she is welcome to go find a place to live with him whenever she likes and the sooner the better given she'll be out by March. And don't let your DuH change your mind. This is YOUR home and you make the rules. Stand up for yourself, dammit!

Cover1W's picture

Get them on a lease agreement now!  This will protect them and YOU with clear terms and expectations and the right to kick them out.  You don't want squatters!  You will have to likely give them legal notice to move at this point. 

Does your son have a lease agreeement or anything?  The same should apply to him.

You can find lease agreements on line, it's easy.  If they, or your husband, refuses to sign it or agree to it, and the home is in your name only, then you do have a right to give a 30 day notice of leave.

Why the heck are you helping her?  She's an adult.  The help these adults get from their parents/steps is astounding.