Couselling is not something you do when you can afford it. You go to counselling when you NEED it. Right now, your marriage needs it. Waste of time and money? Possibly. However, if you are going to leave this marriage, don't you think you want to be able to say that you did everything you could to save it? 

If your marriage is falling apart. Go to counseling you have to afford it.  And yes, once you have a sexual relationship with someone you kinda carry a tourch for them, in some way. He had dreams of a Happy Family with her and kids.  Dreams are hard to break 

I agree, counseling is something that can't always wait. This is the time to go. 

Contact a local church. You don't have to be a member. Many churches also offer counseling for marriage that isn't done with the pastor. I know that my church offers families 5 sessions at a local therapists office. Don't be worried or embarrassed to ask for help. 

Tank. I am SO SORRY you're feeling this way. 

The hardest thing to get past is a dead or dying dream.  Parts of me are still mourning mine. I've lost a lot of dreams. None of the mourning or pain though means that I don't love my little family and things in my life! I can be happy and still be facing the grief of a dead dream. It's not either or, they can exist together!  And it gets better with time!  But one thing you need to realize. Even if he "holds a torch." He's not with her, I honestly doubt the torch is actually for her. If there's something going on, I'm sure all it is, is that he's facing a dead dream. He'll never have that perfect nuclear family that the world has made seem like the only good option. He had kids with her, it doesn't mean he's holding a torch, just that the second they had a kid, that became the ONLY shot at a regular nuclear family life. The only thing I see going on is that he's seeing a truly dead dream, and that's a hard thing to get past. (this is all speculation of course as I'm not in your shoes) This doesn't mean he's not over it either and ready to move forward. I sincerly hope he wouldn't have started anything with you if he still truly held a torch for any of it.

You two do need to seek marriage couseling ASAP. As Winterglow said above, if the marriage does die, at least you'll know you did everything possible for it before you threw in the towel. Marriages are going to have ebs and flows, strong moments and weak ones, sometimes they need a little extra help and that's okay tank

You do what you need to. But I agree with above posters, counseling is a good place to start, and it's a when you need it, not when you can afford it. There are options out there!!!

It's possible that he carries a torch for her, but it could also be possible that the dysfuntion within your relationship is bringing up insecurities over things that don't really exist.  His siding with BM could have more to do with guilt or narccisistic tendencies than having any feelings for her. I agree with the others that counselling is a must if you want to improve your marriage.

If he does still have a thing for her, you'll be better off without him in the long run, regardless of how much it would hurt to end it.  Imagine a life without all the drama!!  How wonderful would that be

I think your DH is just as dysfunctional as his ex and the both of them feed off the drama they make. That doesn't mean he still has romantic feelings toward her. You don't give him the drama fix that his junkie ass needs, so he gets it from her. 

Your DH needs years of individual counseling to sort out his deep-rooted dysfunction before he's relationship material for anyone.

OH my God noooooooo, my dh carry a tourch for BM?? HAHAH, no way.

And can also say there is Not a sliver of anything about my ex husband.

Its laughable when i hear women claim their exs still Luvvvv them because they are the mothers of their kids. LOLOL such delusional thoughts.

IF your dh carries a torch for his ex then he needs to be with her. Let him put his torch elsewhere. 

You deserve a man whose actions show you that he LOVES you. Not a man who thinks the sky sprinkles glitter because of his ex.

Counseling is hard, but necessary. I know that my DH does not carry a torch for BM, but he does carry a lot of baggage from his marriage to her and from his divorce. He also carries a lot of baggage from his childhood. This time, we've only been going to counseling for about a month (we've been before), but it's helped me to realize that intimacy - not physical, but emotional - is what's missing in our relationship. My fear is that I'm not sure DH can break through his own issues to fully be emotionally intimate with me. In his mind, intimacy is physical intimacy and therefore, he feels satisfied in our relationship. He's admitted that when he has negative feelings, he just buries them, but he doesn't realize that even though he doesn't allow himself to feel those feelings, they impact how he interacts with the world, including me. He also would prefer if I would just bury my negative feelings as well and be happy. I can't force DH to figure out that he needs to work through his feelings in order for us to have a fulfilling and functional relationship, but I also can't force myself to be okay with being unseen and unheard in our relationship. 

Being married is tough. Being married to someone who had a failed marriage is tougher. Not only are there issues that likely led them either into a marriage that was poor to begin with or that created problems in their marriage, but now they also have the added issues that come with being a divorced parent. To work through all that, a person needs to be committed to the process and also willing to experience the discomfort that comes along with it. 

My advice - based on our current round of counseling and previous rounds of counseling - is to try to approach things from the lens of what you need from him and what you need from yourself to feel whole with or without him. Don't try to figure out what he's thinking or if he still carries a torch for BM. You can't see inside his mind, but you can become clear on what you need and then, if you decide, work with him to make sure you're getting what you need from your relationship. 

I'm not saying this just because I'm a guy but sex is very important.  It helps to build intimacy.  My ex-W and I had a sexless marriage for over 6 years.  We tried counselling but by that point we had lost interest in each other and were basically living as roommates.  Don't let that happen to you if you value your marriage.  Also, he needs to be a considerate lover and not just think of his needs but also yours.