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I really need some support and kind words.

Sotired345's picture

First I just want to say happy Thanksgiving everyone and I hope that you guys are better having a better time than me. I hired a lawyer and file for divorce the last thing I wanted to do was get a divorce but I don’t have a choice anymore I posted a lot of stuff regarding stuff wife on here but there were things I left out. In my home in my Basement there are 25 reptiles I don’t like them they make my basement smell and it’s just not the right time to be hoarding reptiles in my basement. My husband loves them so much says that they are his core and they are the most important thing in his life. This man has three children.  I’ve begged them for years to stop getting so many I told him that of having so many was something that he wanted to do to please wait until the kids got older he told me that he was sick of compromising for anyone. Ever since my husband and I got together not only has this been an issue but of course his ex-wife he carried around such guilt that everything and anything she wanted he gave to her. Not only did he jump for her but he expected me to as well. I was the free babysitter for years after I had two children of my own I could no longer do this for years I tried and I tried and it got me nowhere everything I did was never good enough and after five years I gave up I stopped being a stepmother I could no longer do it it was too stressful every little thing that I did was wrong and she was always running back to her mother and crying that I was this horrible human being. Then my husband would come home and blame me. I have 2 year old and my son has autism. He is 4 and a half still in diapers he can’t even speak a full sentence and has melt down at least 5 times a day. I am so overwhelmed and I don’t know how I’m supposed to do this. My husband is running around bad mouthing me to everyone who will listen and has most likely turned his entire family against me. I’m stuck here with these kids and no job while he’s out dating and flirting with women all over social media. I did not hate my stepdaughter but I didn’t love her I couldn’t I tried but there was nothing there and he’s telling everyone how horrible I was to her when I barely even spoke to her. Even up until the end I was still serving her meals but because I didn’t drop my kids like hot potato’s and kiss her ass at every chance she was here I’m a horrible person. This sucks and I don’t know where to go or vent or anything.

fairyo's picture

Hello and welcome- you will get support here and, I hope, kind words

First of all it sounds as if you were in an emotionally abusive relationship and need to get some help.

You are divorcing him but is he still there, along with his reptiles?

This is nothing to do with your step-daughter- but everything to do with this horrible man who has made your life a misery.

Is it possible for you to move away and take your children with you? Are there friends and family you could turn to?

It sounds a bit hopeless for you but with the right help it won't be.


Sotired345's picture

He is still here he refuses to leave. He just keeps acting fake and having these conversations with me like we’re friends. He’s texting me things that he’s supposed to be texting his first wife and claiming that it’s an accident. His reptiles are still downstairs as well. I will be leaving the house before he gets home from work to go to my moms I’ll be staying there tonight. Other than that I have no place to go. She lives in very small quarters and is married to a man that’s not my biological. My soon to be ex on the other hand has a huge house to go to. His fathers house. But he won’t go. He must have a lawyer telling him not to leave. He probably wants the house. 

STaround's picture

Are you kids, the 2Yo and the 4YO, his too?  How long have you been married?   Who paid for the house?  What is story behind it. 

Sotired345's picture

Both my kids are his as well. The house was paid for by his father but both of our names are on it married 4 years

STaround's picture

People advising you to lock him out are out of line.  A 4 year marriage, at best you will get very temporary alimony.   Child support will be based off of your state table.  Is there a mortgage?  If you cannot carry the house with your child support, you will have to move. 

Sotired345's picture

I know I’ve already have a lawyer. I know I can’t lock him out. I’m entitled to roughly a year of alimony child support 25 percent of his salary. I also can’t touch the money from our joint account but he has already taken out large sums of money. He got pissed that I paid the electric bill and told me we were going to over draft. Then I asked why because we had more than enough I saw he took out 600 dollars and he told me that he took out the money for reptile cages. Electric bill/reptile cages apparently to him the cages were more important I guess the fact that his kids live here mean nothing.

Rags's picture

Welcome. I hope that  you find this to be a good place to vent, contribute and to pick up some useful advice and perspective from others who are living the blended family dream.

You have done the right thing retaining a lawyer. 

I am so sorry that you have had to live this hell with your toxic DH and his toxic prior relationship spawn. 

Are both the 2yo and 4yo his?  Either way, with two young children at home you need to set the clear expecations with your attorney that STBXDH will have his ass nailed to the wall for a ton of CS and with a disabled child in the mix I would also go for spousal support.

No need to let STBXDH live his life unencombered.

Have you re-keyed  the locks yet and put the reptile collection on the front lawn?  If not... you should consider it.

Take care of you.


Sotired345's picture

Yes my children are also his children. He’s leaving yet another wife and another set of kids because he needs to have 50 animals in our basement. He also feels as if I’ve been incredibly horrible to his daughter. When truth be told where I was no Mary poppins I was not horrible to her. He just couldn’t take the fact that I wasn’t giving her attention when I had my own to take care of with no help.

Rags's picture

Again, my condolences.  Take care of  you and take care of your babies.  He can play with his snakes.  Both the scaley ones and the warm blooded one.

Good luck.

ESMOD's picture

I hope you have a "snake" for a lawyer.. this is not a time to be cordial and play nice.  You need a lawyer that will go after every shred that you are entitled to from your STBX.  In the end.. if you feel like you got too much.. you can always give it back.  lol.  I mean, you can be civil in person.. but let your lawyer filet him out.  I am assuming the kids you have are not his.. if they are.. time for him to be left with some care responsibilities.. start leaving them with him.. with no notice.. like he apparently has no problem doing to you.  If he tries to leave SD in your care.. call his EX.

Sotired345's picture

My kids are his. I came into the relationship with no kids of my own and we had the two together.

Ispofacto's picture

I would start rehoming those reptiles.  50 is too many, an unclean environment, how is the air quality?  Gross.  Maybe the local pet store would take them.  If your STBX hurts or threatens you, call the police.


Sotired345's picture

Right now it’s 25. But if he had his way there would be more. 50 is what it would turn into. The air quality in the basement is awful it stinks. I don’t want the kids down there. He’s angry at me because I don’t embrace them. 

CLove's picture

Yes, you sound miserable, I think anyone would agree that you are in a toxic situation right now and need MUCH MORE than kind words and emotional support. But we can start there. (((Hugs)))

Suggestion #1. Call animal control. Hoarding pets in an unhealthy environment (for them and residing humans) is a CRIME. They will be taken away. Or start a Rehomeing of Reptiles project. Some people LOVE them. I do love snakes, like the California King, there are some real collectors out there. They are being purchased with community property and therefore belong to you as well! 

Suggestion #2. You have a special needs child and toddler with this cretin. How is this lawyer lawyering up? You might need to look for someone new if this person isnt agressive enough on your behalf.

Suggestion #3. Document behaviors. Write/record EVERYTHING. If you are too overwhelmed for this, install nanny cams = cheap+easy. This is for your Cretin Husband and his Spawn Child as well. Plus, for your divorce proceedings as listed above, and your Reptile Rehoming Projects as listed above.

Suggestion #4. Being a mom is not for the faint of heart, and having young ones and special needs ones - well you must be made of steele. Put your cape away for a few moments and work on YOU. Give yourself some YOU TIME, to regenerate for the battles ahead, and for the mothering your children need.

Suggestion #5. Research Narcissistic Personality Disorder. Your Spouse is highly disordered, and I think it would be a big burden off your shoulders to first understand what is happening (the manipulations, the gaslighting, the guilting, the character assasinations...I could go on, but this is your homework. You are being tested. Daily.

Suggestion #6. OK, so I am gathering that this man is ALSO probably a cheater as well. Yes? Well there is a wonderful website I found for support, called I am guessing this because he has guilt with regards to his EXW, the BM, who made him and you jump through hoops. And then you mentioned that right now he is off galivanting around with other women, and bad mouthing you to boot. "oh poor me, I have this horrid mean wife, and we are separated and three children, one with special needs", must be a great pickup sympathy line for this Narc. 

Suggestion #6. Stop caring what the Cretin, his Spawn, his family, his friends think about you, they dont matter anymore. What typically happens with a Narcissist, is that they have 3 modalities: * The "im so charming and witty and wonderful" * the rage/lashout when things dont go their way * the poor poor pitiful me. Get rid of the toxic people. Gather your tribe around you. His badmouthing you is part of his image managment (narc way of looking good to everyone else)

Suggestion #7. Research Disengagement. You are doing well to stay away for a bit, and getting a lawyer is also helping, so Great Job! Now you need to CYA. And make certain he doesnt screw you over in this process. Disengage from Spawn that you did not create. My "EX" SD Toxic Feral Eldest, she blamed me for all her problems, I was supposedly the most horrible person ever. And I disengaged. Best.Thing.Ever. Just took a huge burden right off of me!
Disengagement was the turning point for me.

Good luck, let us know how it goes!