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Thisallsux's picture

im in my bed alone H on the couch my kids are in their rooms sleeping. Today might have been the last straw, ending to a f@cked up story. I love my H but I’ve never been so unhappy in my life. Our relationship started in chaos angry BM. She controlled everything used their child as leverage we barely had a relationship due to her hold and his guilt. The only thing we did was have sex and take care of SD. I got pregnant had my first we got married the more steps we took the angrier she got and while some women withhold she did the opposite. She made sure to give him SD as much as she could where it got to a point we had her 4 to 5 days a week and I was taking care of her. Fast forward a few years later things just got worse I had to care for her while raising two small children and going through post partum and if I didn’t I was a horrible human being to both BM and my husband. I was overwhelmed and tired and he worked all the time so while BM enjoyed all the free time in the world I was killing my self taking care of the children while my husband blames me for not making any money. Called me a mooch told me this wasn’t a free ride and to get a job. My son was diagnosed with a disability I had therapists in and out of my house. The fights got worse and worse my husband blamed me for everything. 7 years and nothing has changed I stepped back with SD because I just couldn’t do it anymore more any time I so much as look at her funny she cries and tells her father I hate her then I get punished by my husband he yells at me tells me I’m terrible threatenes divorce and sleeps in another room. BM blames me because I can’t be her free babysitter anymore tells my husband you married a bitch. There’s a lot more to this but I’m giving you the basics. After years of financial hardship and fighting over money, every job I took isn’t good enough my husband has called me a loser because I can’t make the money he needs me to make. I’ve had a hard time bringing in 6 figures with two babies and one with autism. I thought after a while we got past all this wicked stepmother crap when it came to a head today. H works on the weekends and BM says I don’t care you figure out a way to take care of her. So he calls his family to come pick her up. BM lives 15 min away and even though SDs father is not here she says “I don’t care it’s your problem” I’ve been telling him for years she has no right to do this. Plus I can’t do it for many reasons. I used to do whatever I could to help but I’m exhausted and I can’t treat them as equals SD has to get special treatment if I raise my voice to her in any way she will cry for hours and tell her parents I’m horrible I can’t handle it. I’m angry and I’m tired it’s better for all parties involved that when H is not here she should be with her mother. A fight broke out today there was something important I needed to do and one of my in-laws came to get SD in the morning. I won’t get into detail but I asked for help. After we all were done we went back to the house I had to go outside for  20 min and the adult was inside with the kids. When I came inside the house was a disaster I walked in and said “what the he’ll happened” SD is not young she’s 11 and she was acting like a 3 year old I said “ you’re 11 years old stop it” then I went back outside my husband care home to find me frustrated and the house a mess. He told my in-law to take SD home. I didn’t understand why he did that because it wasn’t a big deal but outside SD was sobbing saying I flipped out and I was mean to her. He then blamed everything on me said I had no business asking my in-law for help then told me I was stupid and that I ruin everything then he got on the phone with BM and yelled at her telling her she couldn’t do this anymore and threatened her with court if she didn’t start taking responsibility. She then threatened to with hold SD saying she’ll never go there again. After he got off the phone with her he said “are you happy this is all your fault” he blames me once again and told me everything that has happened it’s my fault I’ve been a lousy stepmother. The fighting continued where he proceeds to throw my stuff out the door with our children crying in their room I tried to bring it back in and he shoved me outside in front of our house. He’s on the couch now blaming me and he’s not even sorry. 7 years and nothing has changed it’s just the same angry games over and over. We have 2 kids together and nobody cares he doesn’t even care he’s ready for a divorce to him I’m a disappointment to him. Over the years I just didn’t have it in me to keep my mouth shut and now to him and everyone else it’s all my fault. Everyone I know in nuclear families are so much better off happier and better financially and I’m sleeping alone because once again I’m to blame for everything 

shamds's picture

you should and could have hit back with you have a shit bio mum you have never made take responsibility and ownership for that kid.

you yourself won’t care for it. Only you 2 idiots were responsible for the care of this child. Anybody else doing it is just courtesy and he and the bio mum should be grateful but instead they blamed you because you’re the easy target.

this is such an abusive relationship hun

Rags's picture

You are a 6 figure earner.  Take  your children, file for divorce, nail this POS to the wall by his scrotum for a pile of CS and get on with your life.

Keep it simple.

Enjoy your new life adventure.  See how STBXH likes more CS and dealing with his daughter alone.

He and BM deserve each other and you deserve none of their crap. So don't tolerate it any longer.

Move on.

Winterglow's picture

I truly hope you don't believe that you're to blame for 'all this'. It's time to free yourself from this manipulative, abusive, controlling apology for a husband. You deserve SO much better, and so do your children. Just think - you could be sleeping alone in a nice new home without the stress of your STBX and his child, happy and safe with your children.

Make sure you have a pitbull-variety lawyer on your side and divorce this appalling person.

There's a whole new life out there for you.

tog redux's picture

This is an abusive relationship - get out now. You don't want your kids growing up to think this is "love".

ndc's picture

Please make sure this is the last straw. Your H is a jerk who must be unable to assume responsibility so he passes blame. He is no loss - you will ultimately be happier without him.

See a lawyer ASAP. Get a good one and get rid of him and his baggage and get CS for your kids. Don't underestimate your contributions. He may complain about your earnings, but he couldn't earn without you holding down the homefront. Get away so you can start a new, happy life where you won't be anyone's free babysitter or punching bag.

BananaBandana's picture

The one thing in your post that I relate to and which stood out most to me was:

"7 years and nothing has changed it’s just the same angry games over and over."

Don't you think after seven years, perhaps a change is long overdue?
Thing is, you have to make the change. No one will do it for you.

Change and action bring success and good fortune. But, you already know that.
Good luck!  

STaround's picture

I cannot figure this all out.  Are you making 6 figures now?  and what does he make?  Why are you guys struggling financially?  

If he is NCP, he is generally not required to take his kid, but is entites to his kid.  In some states, his CS can go up if his time with the stepkid is reduced. 

He is abusive, either get counseling or a divorce

 

susanm's picture

You don't need him to finance your life or to help you with the kids.  He needs your money and your labor but instead of being kind and grateful he is trying to keep you by cruelty and fear.  That is abuse  Your life will be 10 times easier without him yelling at you and forcing another kid on you.  Take your life back and leave this guy to fend for himself.

Curious Georgetta's picture

After 7 years. Relationships evolve over time.  Your husband went from father of 1 to father of 3. From what you say, your finances have not kept up with your families financial needs or expectations. The ex has a right to expect your husband to have his child for a reasonable amount of time. If he is forced to work long hours, it is his responsibility to make arrangements for child care for his daughter.

If you unwillingly allow him to designate you as his child care provider , sadly that is your decision to accept that role.

Your problem is not your step child or her mom.  You could just as easily be a first family with  3 children , one of whom is autistic. You would have the same financial constraints and your husband 's job would be making the same demands.

If you are involved with organizations and services for families with autistic children, you will see that respite resources are available and many, many mom 's of artistic children can and indeed must work.

You problem is not that there is not a solution to your problem, but instead the 2 of you have allowed yourselves to wallow in the challenging aspects of your life situation rather than focusing on the ways to address and alleviate some of the challenges.

Your life situation is not particularly unique.  Finances are a challenge in both first and subsequent families. The number of families dealing with autism is rapidly increasing , and many of these families have more than 1child.

If the reality of your situation is that the 2 of you feel that you have invested the adequate and necessary effort in resolving the challenges that you are facing, then it may be time to part.

However, based upon what little that you say, it seems that you have both allowed yourselves to become mired in frustration and self pity.

Your husband uses you as his whipping boy. You blame your step daughter and her mom as the source of your problems. Neither approach is adequate or valid. 

You and your husband should seek counseling and financial planning assistance  You should do this even if you plan to separate or divorce. You should also consider becoming involved with support groups and services for families dealing with autism.

You journey won't necessarily be easy, but it need not be as difficult as the 2 of you are making it.

God speed as you try to rechart your course.

 

 

 

 

Letti.R's picture

Congratulations CG, because this time you have outdone yourself.
Except for the advice on seeking support services, you are not understanding the dynamics going on here at all and therefore your advice is wrong IMO.
Sure it is an alternate view, but for once I am actually gob-smacked by what you wrote.

Curious Georgetta's picture

I see 2_people who would be equally unhappy and frustrated if the 3 children were all their own  bio children.  They would have the same financial issues, the same lack of support, and the same inadequate decision making skills. The only difference is that the husband would likely be calling the wife a bad mom rather than a bad stepmom, and the wife would still resent the time that the husband is away from the home working.

The husband would still resent the fact that he has to be the sole or significant source of support. None of those are step related issues. Those are real issues that families are forced to address  in this country on a regular basis.

A "there ,there you poor dear' is one approach. The OP gets sympathy and further validation of her belief that she is A victim. 

The OP can and maybe she should leave. However, in leaving, she will  be forced to find solutions in the same manner that she could employ in this marriage. She wi!l be a single mom of 2 children , one of whom has special needs, who will need to find employment and support.

Those are the dynamics that I see.

 

 

 

 

 

 

Thisallsux's picture

You actually are wrong, I do work I have been employed for a while. While I was not working I was studying for certifications for better employment. While I was doing so my husband would say “why are bothering you’re just going to fail anyway” This I have a problem with, So don’t make it out like I’m some dissatisfied house wife for no reason. 

I am not angry and resentful that my husband had to work all the time that’s part of life we have to work. In fact I encourage the overtime as week need it. It’s BM that gets angry when he has to work. She wants unlimited childcare and all his money. This I have a problem with. 

Im resentful of the step family dynamics and the way I’m treated by spouse and all the drama. Yes if I divorced the only thing that would change is I would need support and child care for when I’m at work as I mentioned before I’m not a stay at home mom I have a job. Sorry to disappoint you but I am a working mom already. 

 As far as seeing a financial advisor I’m all for it but my husband doesn’t want to take blame for anything even though he was the one that ran us into a bunch of debt he just blames the fact that I don’t make enough money that’s his solution there are a lot of corners that we could cut but he won’t cut them things will be a lot easier if he cut those corners but he refuses to do that he just tells me that I need to make more money and right now I cannot do that I am making money just not enough forhim

Curious Georgetta's picture

I see 2_people who would be equally unhappy and frustrated if the 3 children were all their own  bio children.  They would have the same financial issues, the same lack of support, and the same inadequate decision making skills. The only difference is that the husband would likely be calling the wife a bad mom rather than a bad stepmom, and the wife would still resent the time that the husband is away from the home working.

The husband would still resent the fact that he has to be the sole or significant source of support. None of those are step related issues. Those are real issues that families are forced to address  in this country on a regular basis.

A "there ,there you poor dear' is one approach. The OP gets sympathy and further validation of her belief that she is A victim. 

The OP can and maybe she should leave. However, in leaving, she will  be forced to find solutions in the same manner that she could employ in this marriage. She wi!l be a single mom of 2 children , one of whom has special needs, who will need to find employment and support.

Those are the dynamics that I see.

 

 

 

 

 

 

Gimlet's picture

Huh?  Did we even read the same post?

The only point I agree on is that her abusive, POS of a spouse probably would just be calling her a bad mom, instead of both a bad mom and a bad stepmom.  

No, she would not be equally frustrated, because she would have some agency with the third child.  You know, the one she did not choose to bring into the world?  The one that her husband and his ex wife are shaming OP and calling her terrible names if she cannot take on THEIR obligations?    You're all about parents doing more than the bare minimum for kids, so why don't you have an issue with a mother who consistently dumps her child on OP?  She knows dad isn't there.  Shouldn't she be doing at least the minimum of having her child when she's supposed to?   Shouldn't dad?

Did you not read that OP works and pulls in a good salary and takes care of these kids?  Even if she didn't, that does not excuse his behavior to her.   He chose to make the younger kids too, didn't he?  Or is he only obligated to the oldest? 

Her husband is then berating her for not making enough money to suit him.  He and BM are ganging up on OP to berate her for not taking care of their child,  who clearly is not a well-behaved child, when OP is already trying to take care of her own two children and one with special needs.    Sounds like OP is already going above and beyond, and it surprises me that you don't see or comment on that, given your advocacy of parents going all out for their kids. 

What part of this situation do you believe is something "all famililes face"?   Abuse?  Lack of boundaries?  

Your take on this is just not even comprehensible.

 

Steptalker2's picture

I agree with Gimlet. OP has no obligation to the older child. She is not that child’s mother. When her father is unable to care for her she needs to go to her mother or to her grandparents. The SD must have a vendetta against OP. Why would she go inside and trash OPs house?

Curious Georgetta's picture

a good salary. She said that we does not make a 6 figure salary, but she in no way stated what her actual salary was or is. She stated only 2_things: 1 whatever their combined salaries, they both feel financially strapped and 2_her husband feels that she should be earning  more.

I think if the step  child  was never in the home,these 2 would not people be any happier if any more satisfied with their marriage because they create straw man to identify as the source of their problems.  You can never solve a problem if you fail to identify the real source of the problem. The ex sends her daughter to her father. The father accepts his  child but then passes the responsibility on to someone else. That is not the problem of the ex   It is not her job to resolve or address his the dad handles his child care arrangements. If the OP does not wish to assume or accept that role, it is her responsibility to speak up and say that she will not.

I see 2 people who are overwhelmed with the responsibility that comes with daily life and who are inadequately equipped to handle those challenges.  Better to acquire proper tools than to spend time cursing the wrong gods.

In my world , efforts to reach adequate solutions trump sympathy and misplaced validation every single day.

In any case, hopefully the OP finds a so!union that leads her to a good place

 

 

 

Gimlet's picture

OK, let's say that her statement about it being hard to bring in 6 figures while taking care of kids is meant that she doesn't.  Does that constitute a valid reason for her husband to be allowed to berate her? 

"The ex sends her daughter to her father. The father accepts his  child but then passes the responsibility on to someone else. That is not the problem of the ex"  Of course it's her problem, unless she's the NCP in which case it is not technically.  Even if she is the NCP, she is sending her child over on her days and expecting OP to care for her and then calling her a "bitch" when she doesn't.  And yes, her POS of a husband is just as much to blame.   Neither of them is taking responsibilty for their child.  

Don't you think OP's DH and ex should be going above and beyond for their child?  Dumping the kid on OP is hardly doing that, is it?  It's even less than the bare minimum.  The stepchild is not a straw man, because some of the abuse is related to the expectation from both her parents that OP care for her. 

Many couples experience being strapped for money.  Do you believe it's the OK for one of them to act in an abusive manner to the other?  

Where are you seeing misplaced validation?  Do you believe that the stepchild should be with OP instead of one of her parents?  Again, isn't that their job as parents? 

 

Curious Georgetta's picture

solving their problems in a mature and adult manner, should probably not be together. I do not think that either has the capacity to be any happier apart than they do together if they do not learn to make appropriate adult decisions.

Would I want her husband under any circumstances? Probably not, but the Op  married and reproduced not once twice with him. That indicates that she found at least some aspects of this relationship satisfying or acceptable.

My only point is that even without the step child, these people would not be happy  Their problems stem from their poor decision making skills and questionable money management practices.

The step daughter should not be the SM's child to manage. Given all of the problems in that household , I cannot imagine that the step daughter desires to be there anymore than the OP wants her

there.  This is just an unfortunate situation for all involved.

The only victims may be the children. They are the only ones who lack the capacity to modify their circumstances.

 

 

 

 

Letti.R's picture

You don't need this crap: get out of this "marriage".
For your own sanity and emotional well-being - plus that of your two little ones - get out.
This constant abuse will only end when you decide to end it.

Why are you staying?
What type of life are you giving your kids.

I would rather have my kids alone and raise them as a single parent in a stable non-abusive home, than try to play up to the fantasy of nuclear families you have in your head.
Obviously yours is not working and is in constant meltdown - is this really better for you or your kids?

Steptalker2's picture

If he has to work while his 11 year old daughter is in his custody he needs to find childcare. Good job for calling the grandparent to come and get her. She’s not your responsibility. You aren’t their slave.  DH is just pissed you won’t watch his kid. Why not just divorce him and raise the children on your own. He’s being immature.

Steptalker2's picture

Sounds like when you stepped outside SD tore the house apart. Who was the adult in the house with her? What did SD do to wreck the house? She needs therapy if she did this on purpose to anger you.

notsurehowtodeal's picture

Do you have family close? If so, go home for a few days. Get away from Dh and SD. If things are to the point where he is throwing your stuff outside and trying to keep you from coming inside, physical violence could be what happens next. You are already being emotionally and financially abused.

Find a good divorce attorney and go in for a consultation. Start making an exit plan. You do not need to put up with any of this.

Disneyfan's picture

I'm not sure why BM is being blamed here.  She has no control over the the OP's husband treats her. 

The OP is not obligated to watch SD.  As far as BM calling yhe OP names, why hasn't the OP cussed her out and let her(and dad)know that she aint watching their damn kid????

This relationship was doomed from the start.  You husband NEVER respected you.  The foundation of the relationship is sex and babysitting.  He never took time to get to know you.  He didn't give a damn then and he doesn't give a damn now.  

No one deserves the abuse that you are enduring.  The only person to blame for that abuse is your husband.  Not BM or your SD. And definitely not you.

Thisallsux's picture

Just to clarify I do not make 6 figures he wants me to make six figures he is angry at me for not being able to bring in enough money to support the lifestyle he wants. I do work and I have worked for the past year I was only out of work for about a year so yes I am bringing in an income it’s just not enough for him. The financial issues are not extremely step related but child support and all the extra do put a dent this is NOT why I’m resentful. My husband blows his money on a certain hobby that at one point got out of control and put us in a lot of debt. He still has this hobby and refuses to give it so this costs us roughly a few hundred a month. I’ll admit to buy things on occasion but I have not spent nearly as much as he has going thousands upon thousands of dollars in debt. As far as SD and BM yes I knew what I was getting into, but I do feel that if all three of the children were mine I wouldn’t have the struggles I have now. Those children would be mine and I would be able to raise them and discipline them as I see fit without BM chiming in. When I discipline my own children no one bats and eye but if I so much as look at SD for doing something wrong I’m the worst person on the planet and not to mention SD will cry, run to her father tell him how much I hate her then will go home and tell her mother the same thing. If she were mine the dynamics would be different. I used to care for her a lot so he could work and BM could have her free time. I did it to make my husband but no matter what I did it was wrong. We’d fight and all fingers would point at me I can’t do it anymore I drew a line. Even now I’ve tried to compromise. SD can stay with us Friday night BM can pick her up in the morning the H will pick her up after work and she can come back Saturday while my husband is home spend the night again and BM can come back again Sunday morning. This is doable as BM lives 15 min away from us we are very close. She told H yesterday that she wants nothing to do with her daughter on the weekends that H has her. H has told her he’s taking legal action and BM threatened to with hold SD. I tried for years I helped them for a long time but when even when you help someone you’re still hated and you’re not even appreciated for it I just can’t do it anymore. Also I do work weekends as does my husband so there are days on the weekends I can’t do it because of work not because I’m being bitch. The dynamics of this family are not normal. It’s not supposed to be this way. While I get ex’s fight and play games with each other when you are using your own child as a weapon and throwing her on people that don’t want to it’s wrong. 

Dizzyjell's picture

He threw your stuff out, physically pushed you out the door while your kids watched, blamed his responsibility of watching his own child on you and sleeps in a different room. Leave this abusive man. 

Thisallsux's picture

The answer to your question is all of the above. Add fear I’ll spend the rest of my life alone that I’ll wind with the same kind of man who is only using me doesn’t care and only cares about himself. 

Money yes, fear of the unknown yes, fear of the next women he winds up with that will be a part of my children’s lives, fear my husband will try to manipulate my children against me. The list goes on plus the fear of failure. The failure of my marriage. That’s the truth. 

Sometimes I do think the day will come where there will be a process server at my door as he will be filing. 

MissTexas's picture

tired!

I think you're there!

First, be sure you are documenting all of his abuses. You needed to have called law enforecement when he threw your things outside, and wouldn't let you in.

Why would you want to sleep with this man? I'd gladly sleep separately. No man who treated me like this would be granted access to my body.

The abusive behavior is not your fault. It's important you realize he is teaching your kids how to parent.

I get your fears, as I've been divorced, and have "been there" on many levels that you mention. However, what about the fear of never waking up because his abuse has killed you? Then who will take care of your babies? You must get out! I know it seems scary and impossbile for you, as you've been beaten down emotionally. You are stronger than you think. This is classic abuser pattern of behavior. He is trying to control, berate and keep you in fear. It's indicative he has huge self-esteem and worth issues. That is HIS problem, and he is projecting upon you what he feels about himself. The psychology behind it is very simple, but the abuse is complicated, and I get that.

Look online for contingency based family law attorneys. Get law enforcement involved, and get him out of the home. He will be obligated to pay the bills, as his kids live there. You are more powerful than you realize, my heart. Take a stand, if not for yourself, then for you children. THEY NEED YOU TO DO THIS. You need it!