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Husbands comments about my upcoming trip

georgina29's picture

I’m going to the Caribbean to attend a good friend of mines wedding soon. I invited my husband and he cannot attend because of his kids and financial issues. I told him I’d love for him to go but he cannot. No big deal. Anyways he is trying to guilt me lately saying I booked my trip knowing he couldn’t  go anyways which is very odd since it’s my friends wedding whom decided when her wedding is, not me. Also it is his choice not to go because he does not want to leave his kids with bio mom or grandparents, aunt, etc and also doesn’t have the funds to go. I don’t think he is being fair by saying this to me and now I am anxious about going on this trip fearing he will be vengeful while I am gone.

georgina29's picture

He uses jealousy as revenge. He has flirted with other women in front of me. He compares them to me. He has gone on trips without inviting me to see friends of his I have never met before, including female friends of his whom I have never met.

StepUltimate's picture

That would be a deal-breaker for me if my DH pulled ANY of that. Nobody deserves to be treated like that. 

Disneyfan's picture

Why do you stay with a man who treats you this way?

There is nothing wrong with living yourself more than you love your husband.

notasm3's picture

He uses jealousy as revenge. He has flirted with other women in front of me. He compares them to me. He has gone on trips without inviting me to see friends of his I have never met before, including female friends of his whom I have never met.

Not acceptable.  You do realize that he is not a candidate for a long-term marriage?

ndc's picture

You're right - he's not being fair.  Frankly, he doesn't sound like a caring, committed husband.  You have done nothing wrong; he made his choice.  If he does something vengeful, perhaps it's time to reevaluate the relationship.

marblefawn's picture

Just say it. Just say it right to his face: "I suspect you're going to make me pay for taking a trip you can't take. So what's it going to be? You meeting a female friend without inviting me? Flirting with someone like you did with **** that time? Is there a way we can talk this out so I can be at my friend's wedding and not have to endure your bad behavior afterward?"

It might not work, but calling someone out on childish behavior can shame them into at least engaging in discussion about it. If you don't talk about it, nothing ever changes. Talk to him about it before you go to head off a bigger blowup later and so when you're out, you can say, "Yup, you're comparing me with **** and flirting. I guess that talk before I went to the wedding didn't work."

This is such unattractive, peevish behavior in a man. Do you think he suspects you will be flirting with men at the wedding? I just can't imagine my husband standing in my way of something like this. Or you could keep saying to him when he guilts you, "OK, so come with me." It IS his choice not to go, right?


momjeans's picture

This. Call his childish, vindictive arse out.

Stand tall while you do it, too. This man-child needs to understand you will WALK, without a second thought, if he pulls any irreparable shenanigans.


hereiam's picture

If I had to worry about my husband being vengeful because I'm going on a trip to my friend's wedding, I would wonder why I chose him to be my husband in the first place.

He has made a choice not to go, don't let him convince you otherwise. If he really wanted to go, he would find a way. He would rather stay home and pout, and punish you, instead. Nice.

blayze's picture

...ever heard the song “Bye Bye” by Jodee Messina? 

Pack more than just a vacation’s worth of clothes while playing that song and get to leaving. If he throws other women in your face when he doesn’t get his way, let them have him! 

dysfunctionally_blended's picture

I commented this exact thing in your other blog. That he would try to ruin your vacation - and he is! 

But, being vengeful is not acceptable! That is abusive, all of the things you mentioned is abusive. 

What are you getting from this relationship? It seems your issue isn't this vacation but rather the bigger picture. While you are away really think about that question.

Is this right for me?

Is he meeting all of my needs? 

You may just see during this break that you are much happier without him. 

caitlinj's picture

It sounds like he is worried you will be happier without him and he should be! He’s not a good guy and you deserve better.

Merry's picture

Sounds like my ex. If I traveled for work, he'd whine. How could he take care of our daughter by himself? And prepare meals? Wah wah. Didn't stop me, although a few times he did guilt me into preparing meals ahead of time. THey were never very good, btw. So that stopped too. And so did the marriage.

You are your own grown up independent person. You want to go to your friend's wedding, and you have the time and financial means to do so. Go have fun. No other person on the planet has the power to stop you. Guilt is a waste of energy. YOU are doing nothing wrong. But your insecure, childish husband is being a controlling, passive agressive jerk. If you cancel the trip because he's such a jerk, you'll feel bad about it and resent him. Go on the trip. Call him out on his ridiculous behavior.

futurestepmom95670's picture

This is no way anyone should be treated, presumably with how much you likely put up with, with step children, etc. On numerous occasions, my FDH has tried to guilt trip me when I try to leave on trips, he's extremely insecure. I remind him that because of his life choices (impregnating a horrendous woman, raising a child I despise being around, and having to pay copious amounts of child support), he has gotten himself where he is. I think part of him hoped that I'd come along and ease his financial woes, but I've refused. Especially when he constanly comes at me like it's my fault he's in his situation.

His mother attacks me, he's angry at me for being upset. His child invades my privacy, it's my fault for being upset and calling him when he was with her. Hell, he blames the fact that we have to budget our money on the fact that I have student loans from well before I met him. Really? My student loans are the issue? I pay my student loans myself, so how does that explain why HE never has money??

Well, guess what? I know none of it is my fault. None of this is your fault either. Go have fun, if he is jealous that you've made better life choices and set yourself up to be able to do these things, then screw him. He made his choices, and it's not up to you to undo them. If he acts on his jealousy to purposely hurt you, then you need to leave him, it will only get worse. Perhaps you two just want different things out of life? 

caitlinj's picture

His mother attacks you? What does she say/do? Your situation sounds very familiar to mine in many ways.

futurestepmom95670's picture

Ugh her latest thing is trying to make me choose sides between her and her estranged husband (estranged for 14 years), and her passive aggressive insults. Refers to me as the "current girlfriend." Tells me I'm just as bad as her husband is if I'm okay with how he treats her. I posted about it over the weekend, but FDH somehow got her to quit and apologize to me. Still, very annoyed. 

Too old for this's picture

No one can make you feel guilty. You choose to accept it or not.  

This petty, childish attempt at blackmail only works if you let it. 

Go.  Have fun with adults.  If he acts like a jerk when you get back,  keep walking.