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Family Trip Dilemma      

NobodyMom's picture

My family is local.  My DH's is across the country.  It is just his sister, BIL and 2 adult nephews that that he is close to.   We have gone twice so far to visit his family for both nephews' college gradation (which we always extend into a mini-vacation as well when out there).  I always pay for half these trips to cover myself, DH, and 2 teen stepsons.   I told DH next time it's their turn to visit us.  We have to pay for dog boarding as well when we travel to see them.  Now one of his nephews is getting married next year and expects us to all go out for a THIRD trip for his family.  My family (elderly but active parents), and brother and his family want to go on a family vacation next year.  I can only afford one trip.  My parents aren't getting any younger and we have done no fun trips with them as we have done with DH's family.  I understand this is a wedding for his nephew, but there always seems to be an important celebration for his family they want us to attend (I would have skipped the graduation trips for the wedding if we had any idea of the upcoming engagement).

I will go with my family no matter what as I feel it is unfair to only make trips for DH family (as I said they were family trips that were also mini-vacations each time).  But I also don't feel it's right for DH to only take fun trips for his family and not mine.  My DH sees where I am coming from and is thinking my family vacation should be the one trip next year since that is all we can afford.   My concern is resentment from stepsons and his family about not going to nephew'as wedding.  I'm not sure they will rationalize our budget and being fair to both families, not just theirs (since my family is local and easier to visit).  Also, I missed my best friend's wedding as I had booked one of the graduation trips first, then found out my friend's wedding date was during that trip and sadly missed it.   Is there a way to explain keep his family's resentment down, especially both teen SS?


ESMOD's picture

Is there any way to send the teens to the family wedding and not take them on the trip with your may be a little more expensive than doing just one thing.. but it shouldn't be as much as if you and your DH also went and extended the trip to a vacation.  A set of advanced booked tickets for the boys.. let a relative pick them up and house them.  Give them a little walking around money for the long weekend then they come home.

NobodyMom's picture

Perhaps even better should we ask them their preference?  That way they understand we are not going off on my family vacation without them to be exclusionary...that we can only afford one for trip for everyone next year so choices will need to be made.

ESMOD's picture

Yes... if you think they might have a preference to avoid the wedding.. by all means ask which they would prefer.  If they steadfastly want to do both... inform them the cost of the wedding tickets and see if they can save the money to attend.

ndc's picture

I would tell people that you already committed to your family's trip.  Do the SS's have jobs?  If they're resentful about missing the wedding, maybe they could contribute to their own airfare and make it happen.

NobodyMom's picture

time ago.   No invitation yet so we have not officially committed.  But I have heard his family say to him in conversations "can't wait to see you all at the wedding".    I never committed to their wedding nor did DH even discuss it with me yet.   I guess he could tell them he wasn't thinking about finances and didn't realize we can't afford both trips.  The SS have jobs but that will probably just cover their "fun money".

Survivingstephell's picture

Are you always this people pleasing???  Who cares what they think.  You are an adult and if you can't afford the trip, want to spend time with your family, then that's what you do and they get to live with THEIR disappointment.  

NobodyMom's picture

It's more about not being portrayed as "evil stepmother" keeping dad and boys from their family.   Sad

ESMOD's picture

I don't think there is anything wrong with being honest about your time and resources being limited.  People realize that we all have to make tough choices.  

"we are so sorry but we promised NM's family we would join them this year... we had been putting off trips with them to come out to see my family the last couple of years so we firmly committed to going with them this year and unfortunately we just can't swing both trips.  We wish we could make it to the wedding, but that's not possible this year".

Major Blunder's picture

One way or another you will be portrayed as the "evil stepmother" at somepoint, go with your family if the skids don't like it oh well, when they have their own money they can decide where they go.

Areyou's picture

Don’t pay for trips to see his side of the family anymore. You’re making it too easy for him to prioritize trips to see his family.