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somerg's picture

my gma is on the frits and will be passing away soon. Cancer is eating her away (they know she has it but she is too weak to test or treat, the testing alone could kill her) she can't keep her oxygen levels at a safe level, etc, we almost lost her this exact time last year and they had to revive her a few times (will not happen again) and she's back on the down fall (every day is worse for her than the day before)

so my question is, if you had a death in family and your skids really don't want to go to funeral (assuming you have a DECENT relationship with them) would you or dh make them go?

i want my skids to go to be there for me (will be the hardest "passing" i've endured.....never have lost anyone "close" to me) and i do want them there for me


Rags's picture

This is a tough one IMHO. I am not a funeral guy. I did not even go to my youngest brother's funeral when I was 9yo. I stayed home and watched cartoons. I did not want to have my memories of him clouded by a funeral and his passing was traumatic enough and I was still dealing with it.

I have been to a few funerals since. I don't like them but I have gone. Most recently my grandmother who passed one month to the day after her 90th birthday party where she danced had a great time and then told everyone "thanks for coming, I will be gone soon and won't see many of you again before I go". She was perfectly healthy and I guess she just "knew".

I can understand your Skids not wanting to go to a funeral. I can also understand your wanting them there as a support for you.

My opinion is that if they choose not to go that you respect their wishes and do not force them to go. Your DH will be there with you as will the rest of your family. Having a kid there who really does not want to be there likely won't be helpful for anyone.

My condolences on your G-ma's failing health.

Best regards,

somerg's picture

they do distance themselves from my gma because of her failing health which thankfully my family understands but doesn't "get" because she is family to them

i have expressed that i would like for them to go to be there for me, however, SADLY their 9 year old cousin died the DAY BEFORE thanksgiving this year and they missed his funeral too Sad

they probably wont and my luck it will be during a school day anyway so bm probably wont let them go even if they wanted to if that is the case

i've broken down already several times about this (she is the only gma i've ever known) thankfully dh stands ground if they act bitter towards my "release"

caregiver1127's picture

Somerg you really don't like your skids so why in your time of need would you even think you could depend on them. If they don't want to go don't make them - it is your Grandmother - not even a relation to them. To me this sounds like you want to punish them - they don't want to go and will not be there for you.

Why add the stress of having your skids there on top of a very sad and stressful time. This is the hardest passing you will have to endure so why in God's name would you want those two there to make it even harder for you. They are kids and should not have to "be there" for you in this situation - your DH needs to be there and your family can all be there for each other but don't put this on your skids!! If you are expecting them to step up to the plate and suddenly be the children that you want them to be then again you are setting them up for failure - take them out of this equation - I almost can't even reconcile why you want them there for you during a funeral -

When my mother died - we had to fly home for the funeral and while we were there we wanted to see SS who was 15 at the time - we did not expect him to go to the funeral but we wanted him to meet us for lunch and because his mother was being the total b*tch that she always is - would not allow us to go to her condo and pick him up and so he lied to his father and said he was too sick to see us - which was a total crock - he really did not acknowledge the death of my mother gave me a quick sorry and that was it - and this woman was so nice to him and really took him in as her grandson and I get along with my SS somewhat but I would never have even remotely considered the possibility that he would be there for me - so I don't know why you think your Skids would even be there for you - it just seems you are trying to put them in an adult perspective and they are anything but adults and really you need to look for your support and comfort from your DH!

somerg's picture

yall have a point and thank you for the condolenses, it will be hard

for as BAD as this sounds i kinda wish she would pass and get it done, it's such a burdeon, my mom is their main care taker and is "stuck" next door to them until "i bury my mom and dad" per my mom Sad she's ready to move on but if she's not there, no one can be/will be there like needed (i would but i live too far away-could help weekly but they need daily, sometimes hourly help-can't do that and raise a family) she has 3 siblings that do not help like they could-1 other that too does not work and is only 30 minutes away.

i love my gma to pieces but it's nothing more to a waiting game at this point Sad god that sounds so horrible