WWYD?
Found out that SS is going around telling people that his dad was an alcoholic when he and BM divorced and that he did not pay CS for several years. Yes, I realize that his BM told him this. It is a lie. She has told so many people so much crap over the years that it is not funny. We assumed that SS was hearing it, but it was still a slap in the face to DH that SS believes it and is telling people this crap.
This is the 18 year old SS that has been living with us for over a year. (Just turned 18). DH’s first reaction is to tell SS the truth about his mother and the truth about DH. Not sure I agree with that and I think DH is on the fence about it. DH was by no means an angel back then, but he was not a drunk and he did always pay CS. BM on the other hand was a great big ole money grubbing whore liar. (I saw a few years of this myself). She used to find guys in bars and start brings SS on sleepovers the day after she met them.
WWYD? Would you FINALLY tell BM to stop talking her shit to everyone that will listen? Would you tell SS the truth about his mom? I myself want to smack the white right off of SS face. But of course, DH says it’s not SS’s fault. He said SS is just repeating what he has been told over the years.
I think SS is an ungrateful little turd!!! 11 MORE WEEKS AND HE IS IN THE military!!!! It can’t come soon enough!! (If he passes the drug test!)
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Comments
It won't do any good to tell
It won't do any good to tell BM to shut her pie hole. But if SS is 18, then I do agreee that it's time for DH to tell him the truth about everything.
My SS18 was also PAS'd by BM and her family. Things were really ugly while he was between the ages of 13-16. At age 17, SS was finally starting to reflect on some of the crap that BM had filled his head with and he asked DH for the truth. DH gave him the truth and didn't sugar coat anything. It's almost 2 years later now and things are still getting better between DH and SS, and SS knows that he can't trust BM anymore.
I like Rags' theory that "facts are just facts - they aren't good or bad". If you have evidence to prove that DH paid CS, then show him. If you have court documents that can back up DH's story, then share those too. There's no need to try to make BM look bad - I'm sure the facts will speak for themselves.
I would have DH talk to step
I would have DH talk to step son and tell him that it is not true that he was a drunk and that he didnt pay child support. Show proof of CS if necissary.
I would not however say anything negative about his mom. He is 18, he knows. He may choose to disregard or not acknowledge it because it is painful. That is up to him. Having DH point out how his mom is to him will only make him defensive as she is his mother and he has loyalty's to her. He always will.
Good luck to him in the millitary. It will change him, mature him, and perhaps he will come back an acceptable person and a more loving son.
Yes, I would tell him the
Yes, I would tell him the truth about dh-I wouldnt even bring bm into the conversation-just tell the truth about dh. Even if bm is responsible for starting these lies-your ss needs some accountability here-he's 18 years old-if these were issues he was concerned about (dad's "alcoholism" and non pymt of support) the person for him to talk to about this was his father not random people in the community. I would let him know that i was disappointed in him spreading rumors about me-and yes, I believe statements like that are attention seeking and sympathy provoking.
I would tell ss the truth and
I would tell ss the truth and if you have proof- show him. I bet dh can get records showing when he paid cs, how much and when he started paying. However, I would leave bm out of it. If dh bashes bm and brings up all her wrongs then it just makes dh look like he's guilty of something and just wants to brig bm down with him. ss doesn't need to know about his mom's multiple partners and such. The realization that his mom lied to him all these years will be bad enough. As for other people- who cares? The people who know dh know it isn't true. The people who don't know him more than likely will side with bm anyway just because they are her acquaintances/friends.
I think he is old enough for
I think he is old enough for your DH to tell him. You should not even be there! to avoid being blamed or accused of lying.
My Dh told SD the truth when she was 16, after years of never saying anything back because the counselor said it would hurt SD's self esteem, boo hoo. A lot of it anyway, some was deemed bad to say. BM never ran her cow mouth again!
Tell him......Just the part
Tell him......Just the part about not being an alcoholic and not paying child support and NO more....UNLESS SS has more questions...You may think of asking a trusted life time friend to back the story if one is trusted by SS...Just make sure it is NOT you...SS prob has many questions himself and may use spreading rumors as a way to bring it to light...He maybe hoping that someone else will bring it up and say "No! That's not what happened son!" blah blah blah did... Did SS spend much time with DH after the divorce...If so SS prob already knows that DH was not an alcholic....
In NO WAY should DH bash the bio mom....the ss will do that enough on his own and it would be best to be super supportive saying "Im really sorry that you lived your life believing this was true"...OR..."I'm sorry you have carried this burden of confusion and lies"
Court docs and paper work speak louder than ANYTHING DH can ever say....black and white...I hope he kept them...If not go to the court and get copies of everything....the good bad and the ugly.....and let ss read it by himself...
My SD13 had many questions and the therapist helped DH and I address them in therapy...the truth seemed to help SD13 although she is still quite a mess....our therapist felt it was the right time for SD13 a yr ago...SD13 could not deal with the abandonment of her BM and the many lies that BM told SD13 about me and her dad.....SD13 had already started putting the lies together as that....LIES....SD13 needed the clarification and thankfully we had the help of the therapist...so every situation is not the same.....SD13 needed this clarity and it was good for her...
Good Luck! Best choice this kid is making is to join the military...he will go in a boy and come out man...Nothing like learning a little self reliance.....