SD(7), But I'm Your Wife Daddy
So I finally decided that I was going to step back and disengage from trying to help DH be consistent with his punishments with SD(7) as well as seeing when she is being manipulative. All it does it make me mad and we fight all of the time.
Recently, before I disengaged, I kept telling DH that I don't like feeling like I have to compete with the mini wife for my position in the house. He told me he didn't even understand how "mini wife" would apply to his BD.
Well with that being said, this weekend was the first weekend of my disengagement from that whole situation. DH and I were sitting together on the couch when I asked him if he wanted to step out with me to smoke. He said that he had already gone out earlier. As I was getting up SD made a comment about how daddy wasn't going outside and that he would be staying inside instead. As soon as DH heard this he got up and went to follow me. SD asked what he was doing and DH told her that he was going outside with his wife. SD's response, "I'm your wife." DH told her that she wasn't and went outside with me.
The second incident happened a few hours later. DH had made another comment to SD when she over stepped her boundary about spending time with his wife. SD's response was again, "I'm your wife." This time DH explained to her that she is a 7 year old child and his BD and that Unhappy is his wife.
I tried to talk to him about it. I was hoping that he would finally see that I was right. That she views herself as being at the head of the family with him and everybody else is below them. He said that she was just joking. I disagree. I think it finally came out and not from my mouth.
- Unhappy's blog
- Log in or register to post comments
Comments
Am I off base here with
Am I off base here with thinking that?
You are right, and he sees it
You are right, and he sees it too. He just isn't willing to admit that you were right.
i call big fat bullshit: "He
i call big fat bullshit:
"He said that she was just joking."
dh uses the same excuse for his fucktards ALL the time (since they can do no wrong). let's see how this works out for them when they get to grown-up world. part of me can't wait to watch them crash & burn (real grown-up, huh? }:-) )
you sound just like me. i'm
you sound just like me. i'm still waiting for karma to kick sd19's ass. i'm so sick of that bitch shitting on everyone everywhere she goes and walking away scot free. it's bullshit. i'm hoping maybe karma is coming in the form of her baby.
I dont' think you are off
I dont' think you are off base. But I do think you should have not said a word. Since you tried to "talk" about it, he has to defend her. Let him digest some of that crap before you talk to him about it.
Willow, the thing is if I
Willow, the thing is if I don't at least say something to DH he won't actually notice. Now everytime it happens he'll actually see it.
Wow, that couldn't be more
Wow, that couldn't be more obvious. Kidding or not. That is how your SD views herself. I'm trying to nip that in the bug with my situation. My SD4 almost 5 pulled some nonsense this weekend. My DH was rubbing my foot, and as soon as SD saw it, she got up from her spot on the couch and jumped up on my DH's lap and started cuddling with him. He had no idea and was like, 'Oh, how nice, thanks for coming over here'. I was so pissed. She looked right at me when she did it. After about 2-3 minutes of it I said to him 'you realize why that just happened, don't you?' SD didn't understand or hear me as she was too busy watching a movie and hanging all over my DH. He was like, 'what? oh, SD go sit over there'. She said 'why?'. I'm doing my best to keep his eyes open to this so she doesn't turn into a total nightmare teenager thinking she is going to have date nights with my husband. I can't imagine ever saying that to my parents - 'but I'm your wife'. Or trying to get in between my Mom and Dad. It's so foreign to me!
PracticingPatience, I agree
PracticingPatience, I agree 100%. It couldn;t be more obvious.
And I have to deal with the same things. As soon as I walk in the door from work SD's asking if daddy will sit with her after dinner. She even came over after the first I'm your wife incident and planted herself in between DH and I on the couch. Thankfully both DH and I had other things going on so as soon as she sat down we both got up and walked away.
Oh god NO!!!!! My SD is 16
Oh god NO!!!!! My SD is 16 going to be 17 next month and she has never said it but she SOOOO thinks she is the wife.....What she says goes and when it doesnt she pisses and moans...Things have gotten a tiny bit better but that is because THEY DONT LIVE WITH ME ANYMORE!!!!! we are still together but not living together....SUCKS!!!
daisy0202, That's the point
daisy0202, That's the point that I have been trying to make to DH. If this behavior is not nipped in the bud now it will be hell for me when she gets older. He needs to handle the situation because there is nothing that I can do about it. It all rests on him to setup family positions and boundaries with his kids. I only have control over myself and my BD.
Oh yes it will get worse way
Oh yes it will get worse way worse!!!! SD13 finally knows she won't get away with the crap she pulls but she still feels like she is an equal in our home. She thinks she has a say in what goes in and can contribute to decisions. For instance we are painting our kitchen. SO and SD picked up some paint swatches for me. She hands them to me and says this is the one we are getting. I said no I haven't even looked at them yet. Oh well dad and I decided already she says. I respond with well since dad and I are making the final decision ill look them over and then dad and I will make our choice.
I get the evil eye from her and she flounces off to her bedroom.
If you're going to disengage,
If you're going to disengage, then why bother talking to him about it. Sure he saw it & heard it....he just isn't willing to admit it...yet....maybe ever. But if you're disengaged, what do you care?
I said something about it
I said something about it because now that I steped back he actually saw and heard what I had been saying to him for the last year. Finally. And I was hoping that he would see it. Which he did and then referred to it as a joke. I think that more that this will come up the more it will open his eyes to it being what she asctually thinks.
And I didn't completely disengage. Only to how he handles his BD with his parenting. He did a great job by making it clear both times that I am his wife and she is is BD.
Willow, the thing is if I
Willow, the thing is if I don't at least say something to DH he won't actually notice.
+++++++++++++++++++++++++++
Oh I USED to think this also. Our men are not stupid mornons. They may act like they are, but are not. Once I stopped pointing out crap, DH finally started to take notice. Mainly because he was no longer having to defend his little angel to me.
Just try it for a few months and see what happens.
Willow, I'm actually proud of
Willow, I'm actually proud of him that he listened to me and started referring to me as his wife instead of Unhappy. I think it really drives the point home with SD. I'm not daddy's GF. I'm not daddy's room mate who is just there. I'm not just daddy's friend. I am his wife. It's a position that she can't have even though she thinks it in her world. By DH saying that it's basically a slap in the face to her or a reality check, which ever helps her see the light.
I haven't completely disengaged. The way that I see disengagment is that I am setting boundaries with what I will get involved in and what I won't. He can handle most of the disapline with SD. If he's not around I will step in with something as simple as go and sit in your room until DH gets home. If it's a direct attack on my BD and I, I will step in and dish out a punishment.
I am not just going to back down from this little girl. She will learn that out of all the people in the house to eff with, my BD and I are off limits. If she wants to scream at her dad, fine. If she wants to scream at me, well that's just say she doesn't because she knows that I mean business. What I say will happen. I don't make empty threats and DH is catching on to her behavior now and is actually dishing out punishments.
stepdown, I really don't
stepdown, I really don't think that she is saying it to piss me off. When sh e does stuff like that she usually will look at me to see if she was getting to me. And the second time she said it was almost like she was confused. But.....um.....(turn around and walk off).........(while back is turned to DH)....I'm your wife.
She's 7. She needs the words,
She's 7. She needs the words, "wife," "mother," and "daughter" defined for her. She needs to be assigned the daughter role, in a kind of naming ceremony, while Unhappy is confirmed as "wife" by "father" who is also "husband." It needs to be made clear, not in a punitive way but in an age-appropriate way, that SD is her father's daughter, not her father's wife. The DAUGHTER role is SPECIAL.
ManagingMom, I couldn't agree
ManagingMom, I couldn't agree with you more. But I can't define those roles and SD is a different type of child. Even if DH explained it to her she knows that my role has more power (authority) than hers. She was given adult status for so long starting at a very young age that she views herself as being in an adult position. She knows that husband and wife have control over the household/family. She wants that control. I don't think that she processes exactly what a wife does or what marriage means. She just sees it as a power position.
Whoa. i'd haul that kid in to
Whoa. i'd haul that kid in to a counselor so fast itd make your head spin.