Second till the Day He Dies
I've been married to DH for 7 1/2 years. I have three grown daughters. DH also has three grown children; one daughter and two sons. Our marriage has had an underlying problem of DH putting skids first and me second from the start. Our courtship was lovely, but as soon as we got married, our problems began. SD 22 plays the "mini wife" whenever she sees him. DH is not innocent in this. I'm tired of all the baby talk, constantly hanging on DH, and getting all the benefits and privileges of a wife while I'm constantly being reprimanded by him.
Today DH and I went to an attorney to draw up our trust and wills. This all came to a head when it came out that DH would like his life insurance policy to be divided up between me and skids. He refuses to assign it to me because he wants to leave money to skids. Notice nothing goes to my kids. I guess I shouldn't be surprised, but it really hurts to get treated this way.
I need help dealing with all of this.
Thanks.
I have three grown children,
I have three grown children, and DH has three of his own. No shared kids.
As an aside: Married into a
As an aside: Married into a funeral home family. Family run small business. Ex-FIL was coroner for the largest county in our state. Your comment doesn't mesh with my understanding over the last 25 years ...
" ...the funeral homes can be involved in that as well. They have the power to tell the insurance company to release the money or hold it up indefinitely." -- sueu2
Bullshit. Here in the States, the funeral homes embalm, plan services and internments ... they have little impact on police or legal procedures. They CANNOT by law hold up insurance monies. Cause-of-death or certification of death are done by the coroner. That is what I think you are referring to... Delays on cause are usually because of toxicity reports. (drugs/alcohol)
" .. If they tell them to hold it up, nobody gets anything but the funeral home because theirs comes off the top no matter what. That's is, of course, if the insurance policy is presented to them as method of payment. After that, they have total control. People who never experienced any problems with it simply didn't have any problems or disputes, so everything went smoothly ..." --- sueu2
Guess I got sidetracked from OP's original post, but you are blowing ignorant smoke up everyone's skirt ... just the entire comment about how funeral homes take theirs off the top like it's some aggresious act. When was the last f*ing time you dabbed cosmetic face paint on a suicide? Or tried to cover autopsy scars ... Or handled the reality of death? Funeral homes get paid just as banks get paid and restaurants get paid. You perform a service, you get paid. ARGH.
Can't believe I got sucked into a nonsense angry flame at you.
Having buried three people
Having buried three people now, including a son and a husband. Funeral homes have nothing to do with this. It is a service and they expect to get paid. I know when I buried my husband, the life insurance was small, but they issued me 5k immediately to pay the funeral home. They had to paid within one week and half was due up front.
My two cents is that we are not doing our wills because of my SD18 and DH has said she will get some of the estate and I disagree. But, I am better off without the will. I am beneficiary on everything except the house and GA law, I have to split it with my SK's. No problem, I will sell it immediately. I also, made sure there was an extra policy taken out on DH prior to the marriage. And am on the retirement accounts and the 401K. I will take care of my SS if something happens, but I will not give my SD18 a dime unless what is required. DH knows this and he is not prepared to cut her off this way.
You're right. The funeral
You're right. The funeral homes have no "power". They generally get paid first because they've had to take on the expense of disposing of the body and they need to be reimbursed for that. They, and other creditors, get paid before the "rest" (if there is any) gets split among whoever is named in the will as heirs. Debts need to be paid before the money is passed out, plain and simple.
If the life insurance
If the life insurance proceeds are not mentioned in the will and all other assets are named, or if they are specifically excluded from the will, then they are disbursed according to the beneficiaries listed. The funeral home can hold them up if they are quick enough and know about the policy and they have not been paid but that is not a common problem.
I'm not sure. I will have to
I'm not sure. I will have to talk to the attorney at our next appointment.
In most states, they can be
In most states, they can be left out entirely as long as they're mentioned. For example, "I specifically decline to leave anything to my children Mary Sue Jones and Bily Bob Jones"
And they can contest it anyway. Because they're mentioned, there's a good chance they won't win but they can contest it no matter how much they're left. I've seen people who left their kids 3/4 of their estate and they contest it because they don't want SM to get the 1/4 she was left. Never seen them win but seen them drag things out by fighting over it. Only time I've ever seen brats win in a contested will situation is where they weren't mentioned at all and they succeeded in persuading the judge that "daddy must have thought we'd automatically get his estate" and even then I've seen it split, not all given to them.
Typically the only reason a
Typically the only reason a husband leaves any life insurance to anyone other then his wife is because the children are still receiving his support through child support payments and its his responsibility to satisfy his responsibility to them.
After children reach adulthood, I was under the impression and also was told by my lawyer, most husbands and wifes leave their entire estate to their surviving spouse. After all they are the ones left trying to rebuild their lif after losing their partner, typically adult children have their own lifes on tract and are married or on their own supporting theirselves. Usually children, grandchildren etc are listed as secondary benificaries only to benifit if the surviving listed spouse is deceased.
When a parent in my opinion is splitting a life insurance policy between his/her wife/husband and adult children, I'd personally feel disrespected and also think he/she is only leaving the life insurance money out of guilt or some other personal reason....in my opinion the spouse should be considered before the adult children where wills and life insurance is concerned.
Just my humble opinion nothing more nothing less.
I agree with what your saying
I agree with what your saying 100% her husband needs a head check
" were you in the boobs line
" were you in the boobs line when they were handing out self esteem? " --- sues2
Guess you were in the ignorant line. Hope you don't breed. Please, oh please, tell me that you have not bred more?
Edit: Okay. I am pissed at sues2's lack of knowledge but my above comments are not appropriate. Muttering that I think she should still suck rocks.
After having gone thru this
After having gone thru this once with my first DH... these are my thoughts:
1) His "estate" was probated even though there WAS a will. So, at least in the state I lived in having a will did not supercede probate. In fact, I was charged by the attorney for "probating the will"
2) As far as life insurance goes, I was obviously the only one named as a bene. Our kids were 3 and 5 at the time. Maybe it's because I lived in a small town, but the funeral home was willing to wait up to 30 days to get paid but I had to present to them proof of life insurance/amount. The company paid out in about 10 days following first DH's death. But out of his life insurance, I had to pay for the funeral costs, outstanding medical bills (he had been ill for quite a while), and then the lawyer's fees to probate the will, put the house in my name only, etc.
3) Something to think about, as this is what I've done in my current situation: I'm remarried, and I have my life insurance split 3 ways -- DH, my daughter, and my son. DH has his life insurance split 3 ways -- me, his 2 sons. We "guesstimated" how much a funeral would cost, and any outstanding potential debt. Subtracted that from the entire life insurance amount. Divided the rest 3 ways (spouse, each child). The surviving spouse was left their 1/3 PLUS the guesstimate of outstanding debt/funeral expense. We figured basically that the surviving spouse would get 50% - 60%, the rest would be split between the children.
In my own opinion, dividing it up equally between spouse and kids is not particularly fair and potentially thoughtless on the part of the other spouse. The surviving spouse will (probably) be held liable for the funeral costs AND outstanding debt, lawyer's fees if will/estate is probated, any outstanding hospital bills, etc. I think those costs should automatically be taken out of the life insurance amount PRIOR to splitting it with the other beneficiaries (in this case, kids)
Unless, of course, your life insurance policy is in the millions.... which most people's aren't
Consider drawing up divorce
Consider drawing up divorce papers rather than wills, you might get more and be happier. Just a thought. }:)
i feel the pain of the op. i
i feel the pain of the op. i am not sure how dh has his life insurance beneficiaries, but i am sure he has provisions for his daughters. they are all mini wifes. at least the property is titled to me. that cannot be contested.
So in the event I marry my
So in the event I marry my SO, Im the one who has the assets but he has done am amazing job renovating adding 50 plus K to the value of my place.
if he dies, it goes to me and then I will it onto my 3 adult children.
If I die first he can leave it to his 3 adult children, bypassing my 3 (who's home it was before we met.
I guess I need a lawyer??
It can be very difficult
It can be very difficult discussing a will in a second marriage. When me and DH started talking Estate Planning when we were engaged he was very defensive before I even said anything.
He told me that his work life insurance value of $120K is going to his son, his RSPs value of $40K, the motorcycles, 2 sports cars and all the music equipment and instruments. He was leaving me the $19K that he had invested into the house that we lived in at the time. Not sure if I would even get that considering he is $30K in debt. I questioned a little and he said, “I have known my son longer than I have known you, so it’s my decision.”
I sat for a moment, and thought about it. Originally I was planning to leave him the bulk of my Estate. But I told him he is right and that is a good idea. Then I let him know that I will be leaving my RSPs value of $168K, the money I put in to our house at the time $165K, my corvette and my Infiniti to my child and I would leave him the $20K I have in a savings account. I do not have a life insurance policy through my employer that that was never on the table.
He was shocked. I thanked him for pointing out that we should leave it to our kids.
All of a sudden for all the other estate discussions his tune changed by mine hasn’t.
Just before me got married I received the final settlement from my divorce in the amount of $200K and bought another house with it. We cashed out of the other house and deiced to live in this one. Funds from the previous house went into this one once it sold. Now DH is worried if I past away first he will have no where to live because all of my before marriage funds (that are in this house) will go to my child, and that means my 87% ownership of the house will be left to my son. So far with the Estate Planning my portion of the house goes to my son unless my DH buys a life insurance policy on me with the beneficiary being my son in the amount of $365K, otherwise my interest in the house transfers to my son.
I could not believe that he was leaving everything to skid and expected me to leave everything to him and not my son.
Estate Planning is a lot easier and nicer in a first marriage.