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DH was being a drunken a-hole last night

Unhappy's picture

So last night DH was in prime form after he pretty much drank two of the big bottles of wine to himself which would be equivalent to four regular bottles.

I have a company Christmas party coming up in December where they will be flying me out since I work remotely. I asked DH if he would come with me and he said that he would but he needed a new suite which would count as his birthday and Christmas present from me. He said that it should be around $750 to $1000. I told him last night that we never spend that kind of money on each other, that it's more than we spend on the three kids for Christmas, and that nobody will be wearing suits at the party. He then proceeded to tell me that if I didn't buy it for him that he wasn't going and that I have spent money on myself buying new clothes which I have but nowhere near that amount and I just dropped $700 on clothes for his kids for school. I told him that he doesn't need a suit since we don't ever do anything that requires wearing one which of course was blamed on me since it's my fault that we don't go out. How? I am not sure. Even the examples that he threw out were completely ridiculous. I told him that I would rather spend that kind of money on new clothes for him that he can wear everyday which of course isn't good enough because he wants a suit.

He then proceeded to go off about how he spends all of his money on the house and bills and that I am hording my money. I told him that I give him $700 a month which is just $200 shy of the entire mortgage payment and drop another $400 to $600 grocery shopping every month. I told him that if he wants access to my money that he needs to get a joint account with me where we are both the account holders so that he can't try and kick me off of it like he has threatened to do in the past when we did share an account where he was the account holder (which is why we have separate accounts now) and that the only reason why I we haven't done this yet is because he has to come with me to the bank. He told me that he refuses to do this (which I am okay with). I also brought up the fact that he had mentioned earlier in the day that we weren't going because they just found out that a nurse who was around one of the Ebola patients in Texas ended up contracting it and then proceeded to fly from Texas to Ohio. He even went off on the CDC and Homeland Security. He ended up calling me a moron and telling me that I don't understand sarcasm because that is what he was doing "being sarcastic" and that he had still planned on going. I told him I don't see how someone can be sarcastic about that type of thing to which he responded by calling me a moron again.

He then let his 7 year old son stay up after 9 PM on a school night and then told him he could go into his room and watch as much T.V. as he wanted. Almost called me by the name of his Ex-wife and then preceded to stand in the kitchen with a little passive aggressive smile on his face right after he did it because he knew that it upset me. This morning he woke up and insulted his 9 year old daughter's clothes that she picked out and sent her to her room without breakfast because she got upset and snapped at him about it. (I made sure that she ate something after he left over an hour late for work so she didn't go to school hungry).

He leaves next week to go crabbing with his brother and father for almost the entire week and I can't wait to have this break from him. I am so sick of this. It was pretty much the same thing the previous week that we had his kids. He turns into a giant a-hole. I told him several times last night he needs to quit drinking this much. And I can assure you that this morning he sees nothing wrong with his behavior last night and thinks that I am in the wrong and that he is entitled to me buying him a $1000 suit and I am being a stingy b!tch by not doing it and that I started everything last night.


zerostepdrama's picture

Ewww I dont even know what to say. I like to drink. My DH drinks. But I HATE HATE HATE when someone cant handle their alcohol and starts acting like an ass and saying disgusting things.

ETA: Sounds like my Ex (BS's dad) and the random, makes no sense b.s that he would spew when he was drunk. Gross.

B22S22's picture

Sounds like he started his "crabbing" early.

Why does he want YOU to buy HIM a new suit? Can't he afford one himself? Any why would it need to be $1000? Seriously?

Unhappy's picture

Because DH only wants the best of the best. It has to be name brand and it needs to be tailored to fit. And he feels that he pays more for everything which is why I need to buy the suit for him.

QueenBeau's picture

How does he pay more for everything if you pay for his kids clothes & give him money every month?

He doesn't really feel these things are true. He keeps saying it because you cave.

Unhappy's picture

I don't cave. I give him $700 a month and I buy the groceries. If I was going to cave I would have when he threatened to take away the internet from me if I didn't buy his kids Columbia snow boots last month. I work from home and need the internet and he can just take the router while he is at work which means that I have no access to this internet. And this was after I had just dropped the $700 on his kids for clothes for school.

QueenBeau's picture


jstorie's picture

I wonder if you tape his behavior.if he would have the same tune. You do not have to be treated like shit,nor do the kids. you have choices. don't let him be a drunken but.

QueenBeau's picture

You shouldn't be giving him any money or supporting his kids.
Why are you even married to this jerk?

Unhappy's picture

I agree with that statement. I don't want to and apparently from what he said last night neither does he. So we are good on that front.

PokaDotty's picture

$1000 for a suit????

My DH works in corporate america and wears suits all the freagin time and we NEVER pay that. He shops at Jos A Banks and they always have crazy deals. Right before I posted this, I went to their website and double checked that, yup, still insanely good deals. My DH has taken to only wear the dress shirts (I guess they are longer and stay tucked in better) and we always get the buy one, get 2 free or something like that. (1 shirt is pretty pricey but there's ALWAYS a sale).

Unhappy's picture

He never goes to work on time. I don't think he has at all, except for a couple of times, in the past year. He also comes home everyday for hours on "lunch" and drinks. Which is why he was hammered by 7 PM last night. He also got hammered on my daughter's birthday last month and passed out and missed cake and then got upset with me because I didn't wake him up. He passed out at like 6:00 PM last Christmas Eve which is also his daughter's birthday and then proceeded to wake up at 2 AM while I was still doing the Santa thing and go off on my about how I spent more on my daughter for Christmas than I did his kids. He got hammered and passed out a couple of weeks ago while his parents were visiting when he was supposed to be watching a football game with his dad and then proceeded to storm around the house and give me dirty looks and blame me for stating that it was my fault that he doesn't get much sleep and that if he did get sleep he wouldn't have passed out. He has a huge drinking problem.

Evil stepmonster's picture

If he's not willing to get help for that then you have to help yourself. There's a song for that,
I can't help you fix yourself, but at least I can say I tried, I'm sorry but I got to move on with my own life.

Evil stepmonster's picture


Hanny's picture

Your husband is an alcoholic, and he is a mean alcoholic, abusive. You need to look hard if you want to stay in this relationship because it will not change. I was married for 22 years to an alcoholic, he was not mean or abusive, but all the other alcoholic traits that I finally could not deal with anymore. You are being taken advantage of and living with an abuser. And please do not get a joint account with him, you are better off in control of your money. My ex went through money like money, he hardly worked because he couldn't get along with anyone (another alcoholic trait). Good luck to you.

Unhappy's picture

F^ck, he got hammered the weekend before last and let his son run around with his friends throughout the house with Nerf swords and battle axes almost knocking things off of the walls and refused to do anything to get them under control. I had to take things down off of the walls just to make sure that they didn't get broken. Then when I told his daughter no, that she couldn't have soda at 7:30 at night on Sunday when her bedtime is at 8:00 he proceeded to sit there right in front of me with her in his lap calling me a succubus and then explained in detail to his 9 year old what a succubus is and why I am one.

Unhappy's picture

I don't know. I guess I just keep hoping that he will change. He has admitted to me multiple times that he is an alcoholic. He knows that he has a problem. He just doesn't do anything about it. He blames me for everything. Even his drinking problem.

Unhappy's picture

I only have one child and not with him. She doesn't even really like him anymore. Or maybe she does but she doesn't make an attempt to hang out with him anymore.

I don't think that he will stop. As long as I am around he can and will always blame me for everything. He may know that he has a drinking problem but it's easier to blame me for the fact that he drinks than to admit that he makes the choice to do it. Until he finally realizes that HE is the reason why HE drinks, I don't think he will change. And even then he may not. He knows that he has a problem. He just doesn't care.

QueenBeau's picture

It doesn't matter if your daughter is his or not. Why are you expsoing her to his actions?

You keep on saying how horrible he is all over this thread. Which is unusual. Usually I'd expect to see you jumping to his defense & then I could see why you stay. But you readily admit how terrible he is. So why do you let him around your daughter? Why do you let him around you?

Evil stepmonster's picture

You don't want your daughter thinking it's ok for a man to treat her that way when she is older. Every thing you do now is shaping who she becomes in the future, down to what she thinks a good relationship is supposed to look like.

new to this's picture

My father was an alcoholic and he blamed me for his drinking. If I didn't bitch about his drinking he wouldn't drink, that's what I always heard. It took a broken marriage or two, lots of money in therapy to ever come to terms with the fact that it was not my fault. HE is the one with the issues. As hard as it was for me because this was my father, and I had always took care of him, I had to walk away and there were years that I didn't see him much at all. He never stopped drinking till he was too old to get around and had to depend on someone else to take care of him and they didn't provide it for him. One thing I learned in therapy is that sometimes it don't matter how much you love someone you just cant' live with them. You can't help an alcoholic until they are ready to help themselves. But you can take care of yourself and your child. One of those broken marriages was to a man just like him!!! I would have bet you all the money in the world I would never end up with a man just like my father and I did!! You need to think about your daughter, do you want her to marry someone like him?

LaMareOssa's picture

I'm with you, Queen. OP: Why are you still with him? He is clearly an alcoholic..and a big fat donkey di&K at that. Screw that! Don't put up with that!!! I HATE alcoholics

Unhappy's picture


If not for yourself do it for your kids. Do you want your kids to think this king of behavior is acceptable? Do you want your daughter's husband talking trash to their child about her? She sees it now! She will assume that its okay!


And that statement right there is what scares the hell out of me.

Aeron's picture

Does your hope that he will change really outweigh your need for your daughter to see a healthy relationship? If she were married to a man that treated her like this, how would you feel? Because by staying in this situation, you are showing her that it is ok to be treated like this. What you model for her is what she will look for in a relationship when she grows up.

He is taking no action, none of this is his fault in his mind. He sees no reason to change. So why do have hope that he will?

Unhappy's picture

I have had issues with alcohol in the past and I haven't been very nice to him at times which is why I stay I guess. I have said mean things to him. I have called him names too. I don't do it anymore. Though I did call him drunko last night but it was pretty accurate for describing his drunken behavior. I do feel though, as I watch his behavior, that he caused a lot of our past fights. He makes me feel like I'm stupid and then when I get upset tells me that I am being to sensitive which p!sses me off and then I would defend myself by displaying not great behavior (this is just an example). He makes me feel like I don't contribute enough to the household and that I don't do anything and what I do he can do for himself and better than I can. Of course these statements p!ss me off and then I defend myself. He went as far at to tell me last Sunday that my daughter would rather live with her father than me. I didn't give him a reaction that time because I an trying not to do that anymore because that is what he is after. I have realized that he likes to be the center of attention and that he likes to have that type of control over me. I guess I feel that I owe him for my past transgressions. He tolerated not great behavior from me. He dealt with me when I had drank to much and was not being very nice towards him.

QueenBeau's picture

I could hardly even read this. Just because you "used to be" mean to him doesn't give him a right to act this way.

You have no business dealing with this or exposing your child to it. None at all. I hope you find the strength to leave before it's too late.

You owe him nothing. you do however owe your own child a safe home. I wouldn't be surprised if she would rather live with her father, if he didn't have an alocoholic spouse. Who wants to live with that conflict??? Could you blame her?

AllySkoo's picture

" I guess I feel that I owe him for my past transgressions. He tolerated not great behavior from me. He dealt with me when I had drank to much and was not being very nice towards him."

NO. No no no no no no no. Whatever you did does NOT excuse his behavior. Two wrongs don't make a right, remember? And he clearly did NOT tolerate it if he's "punishing" you now.

Please get counseling. PLEASE, for the sake of your daughter. It sounds like you're staying because on some level you think you deserve this, but YOU DON'T. And your daughter especially doesn't.

new to this's picture

Someone has to break the cycle, why not it be you? If you don't do something to stop this merry go round it will continue with your kid and his kids and their kids and their kids. It's time to either make him step up and get help or get off!!

Hanny's picture

Your daughter might be better living with her dad until you can make some decisions on your relationship. I mean this not to be hurtful, but your daughter has no business living in this situation and if you want to live that way, I'm sure she would prefer not to if she had a choice. If you won't think of yourself, think of your daughter and do something about it...either divorce this guy...or ask your daughter if she would prefer living with her father. If I was her father I would go after you for custody to get her out of this living situation.

kathc's picture

I think a better use of that $1,000 would be filing for divorce.

He's an asshole.

Go to the party without him, he'll just embarrass you suit or no suit.

is it just me...'s picture

GO - give it a chance. It got me through some tough shit. It's for YOU and people there will understand your situation probably better than the ones on this site (no offense). They've been in the same place as you. You have to help yourself because you can't fix someone else.

Delilah's picture

You know what? You remind me of a friend of mine. She is currently with her partner of 11 years and they have an 8 yr old dd together. Shes THE queen of excuses about why she cant, shouldnt break up with her bf and literally yo-yos between saying shes breaking up with him and staying.
Shes a female who had abusive alcoholic parents, both tried to kill her before the age of 6, when she eventually was permenantly removed by UK social services (child protection). Currently, she will use the fact that she hasnt been very nice to her bf and made some extremely poor choices, to say the least, to remain with him. Its an anchor, for whatever fucked up reason to stay...oh I really hurt him when I did what, she stays out of guilt?! This has piggybacked on YEARS of hideous behaviour by her on/off moron of a bf. Its clear to me, that her childhood really has shaped in her into becoming a co-dependant, dysfunctional, drama addict female with this guy. As it stands, she rang me this week to tell me he gambled about £40,000 (whats that in $? $55,000?) In several days. Money he didnt think to share with my friend, or invest in his/their future. All really weird, unhealthy behaviour imo. :jawdrop:
I keep warning her, that she thinks she is suffering now living with this arsehole, chipping away at her own self respect because she lashes out and acts like a dick. However, that pain will be nothing in comparison to watching her child end up with a similar loser because her dd will think thats how men act. Children base their intimate couple choices on their parental figures. In your case, your dd could well think its acceptable to marry an abusive alcoholic. My Sil did this (fil is an alcoholic) and her bf would beat the crap out of her...god help my niece9. Be warned. Your dh will not improve, he will pull the same stunts next week, the week after and you will be posting another similar story in a year or two. Still feeling like you owe him, his children, your marriage and all because you feel guilt. Well, when your dd duplicates your mistakes, you should be familiar with the feeling of guilt so nothing new there then. However, your priorities are all wrong. Your children NEED you, and currently you are enabling dh to continue to live in his alcoholic fantasyland because he has no motivation to change. He knows you wont leave, he knows and he smiles smugly while doing it. Yet there you remain, while your poor kids are watching this car crash situation.

I have warned my friend. Now I am warning you. I hope both or either of you listen and realise your innocent kids are in the middle, they dont deserve this nor the future that you are potentially handing them and your grandbabies.

IslandGal's picture

Ok. I haven't read all the responses but let me tell you this. Your man is an alcoholic, an abuser and a complete and utter ASSHOLE.

I wouldv'e packed his shit and thrown his ass out by now. No way in goddamn hell would I put up with being treated like that.

Threatening to take away your internet? Which is your source of income?? EXPECTING you to buy HIM a suit when you contribute your fair share of household expenses?

Fuck to the HELL NO!!

Find your self-respect woman! Either kick his ass out or you leave!