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OSS the manipulator....

tankh21's picture

My OSS is an ultimate manipulator and I have pretty much disengaged from him. At first I wanted him to like me but, then I figured out who he really was and just stopped caring altogether. My DH has even admitted that his own kid is a manipulator but he just pretty much ignores it. I get it it's hard to accept your kid for who they really are because you love them regardless but, I just cannot have anything to do with a human being that does the things this kid does. I am this kid's main target too. I tolerate this kid when he comes to our home. It truly is exhausting when this kid comes for visitation. I know nothing is going to change. Am I being immature by not just forgiving this kid and moving forward?

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tog redux's picture

How old is the kid?

My SS19 manipulates too, and lies. Now that he's an adult I really want nothing to do with him, or as little as possible.  He was alienated by BM for many years and he's just like her - a carbon copy.  He doesn't target me, but he treats DH like dirt and goes along with every little power play that BM uses to hurt DH.

DH sees who he is, but like you said, it's his son and he isn't ready to give up on him.  If your OSS is still visiting, disengage from him as much as possible.

No, you are not immature to set bondaries on a toxic person, even if they are a child.  If my SS ever owns his behavior, I would forgive him in a minute - but until that point, he's just not someone I want to be around.

tankh21's picture

The kid is 14. He is also a carbon copy of BM as well. But he will be nice to DH when he wants something and will treat him like garbage the rest of the time. I avoid him at all costs!!

notasm3's picture

Forgiving someone and moving on does not have to mean that you let the person back into your life.  You can forgive someone and never see them again. Moving on can be that what has happened is just past history that you have left behind.  

You can forgive someone without ever trusting them again. 

ESMOD's picture

In a way, forgiveness isn't something you do for the person who did something to you.  You forgive others to let go of the anger and frustration you are carrying in your own heart.  You can forgive someone.. even if they have no remorse... you can make the decision to free yourself of the burden of bitterness.

So, while I think most people manipulate to get things they want.. (smile at the bartender for a better drink, wheedle an extra 30 minutes of screen time etc..)... it's really up to you how you react because you can't really control other people.  So, you can disengage and let your husband deal with his kids.  They start acting annoying.. tell your DH to send them to their room.. if he won't.. then you have a husband problem.. not a kid problem..they are only doing what he allows.

But, I'm not so much sure it's really forgiveness..but maybe just getting to a point where you don't carry the weight of frustration.. just let it go.. if it doesn't financially or physically impact you.. don't worry about it.

 

ndc's picture

How does forgiving the kid change things, other than within yourself?  I'm not sure what you mean by moving forward.  Do you mean to stop your disengagement and start caring again?  That wouldn't be a good idea.  In any event, I see no lack of maturity on your part.

If you are his main target, what is your husband doing to protect you?  That's the direction I'd be going in - pressing H to notice when his kid is treating you poorly and put a stop to it.  

tankh21's picture

No, I will never stop the disengaging from SS. The reason I disengaged was because I got tired of fighting with my DH about his kids. Yes, my DH protects me when I tell him how I feel otherwise these kids get away with everything.

Siemprematahari's picture

"Am I being immature by not just forgiving this kid and moving forward?"

^^^^^^^^^^^ You're not immature. This kid rubs you the wrong way and for obvious reasons. You'll forgive him evenually and remember forgiveness is for you. In the meantime disengage from him and do what makes you happy. Don't ever allow SS or anyone else to dictate your happiness.

ReginaPhalange's picture

It's normal.  You're not immature. Don't let it turn you into a bad person tho.  I've been in the same boat and I do think SS has made me into a bad person.  Over the last couple decades, I've let my situation with my SS get to me and it has made me an unhappy person. I bitch about him to whoever will listen, and that includes my in-laws which doesn't make me look too good.  

SS would also manipulate the situation, but so would his mom.  He would be fine and happy at our house.  Or if we disciplined, as he deserved, he would go home and tell his mom how unhappy he is or how poorly we treated him.  It was mostly always targeted at me - the evil stepmom.

MoominMama's picture

I think it's quite understandable. I feel that way about Ss now 19. He hasn't changed at all since 14, steals, manipulates, is sneaky, weird, lies and tries to be dependant. His father and I have both backed off. As I am the main target we have taken steps to prevent him getting to me, DH deals with him and I am completely disengaged in a social sense. I can just about manage hello/goodbye.

I seriously think he is either a sociopath/psychopath or has anti social perdonality. He is such an a hole it is unbelievable,  arrogant and know it all but if DH asks him a question he does not answer and never communicates necessities only that which serves his purpose.

We are in the process of getting him the hell out. I am sick of living in a jail house as we have to lock all doors even when we are home and at night, we even lock ourselves into our bedroom at night.

So, dont expect the boy to change. I hope he does for your sake but be prepared and don't let anyone make you feel bad about setting boundaries. 

tankh21's picture

Here's an example. We went to the movies and SS says in front of DH and me "Dad, don't forget about tomorrow! He waits until my DH walks ahead of us and it's just the two of us. Then he tells me that DH is taking him up to where BM works so they can talk. I stayed quiet then I asked DH why are you taking SS up to BM's work and what do you need to talk to her about and when were you going to tell me? He had this confused look on his face and asked me what I was talking about. SS just wanted to get underneath my skin. Then when DH asked SS why he didn't tell him that BM worked where he was going to take him? SS just laughs and says that he didn't mean anything by what he told me

tog redux's picture

So - disengaging means you ignore anything he says and check in with DH later on it.  Take back the power to not let him get under your skin.