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Leaving kids alone, giving them some freedom.... wanting opinions.

Sweet T's picture

So Down south's blog and a personal situation has me wanting the ladies opinions and feed back.

So let's assume the children we are going to discuss are normal mature children for the sake of discussion ( not screw balls like potato or some of the special snowflakes ) at what age would you let them...

Stay at home when you ran to the grocery store

Get off the bus and be home alone for 10 minutes or so.

Get off the bus and walk down the street to the house where the step parent is waiting.

Stay home sick alone.

Meet their buddy at the end of your street at the park.

Ride or walk to their friends house a block away.

Now in these situations they have a phone with them and they call and let you know that they have arrived. How old do you think a kid needs to be?

Comments

simifan's picture

In your case, with you ex... check the state statues.

Typically, I would say 10ish... depending upon maturity level.

Monchichi's picture

Stay at home when you ran to the grocery store - 16

Get off the bus and be home alone for 10 minutes or so. - Never considering where I live

Get off the bus and walk down the street to the house where the step parent is waiting.- Never considering where I live

Stay home sick alone. - 16

Meet their buddy at the end of your street at the park. - Never considering where I live

Ride or walk to their friends house a block away. - Never considering where I live

Monchichi's picture

Yes we can based on my French citizenship and both of us qualifying for jobs out of my country. That means leaving my husbands son behind.

Sweet T's picture

What a tough situation to be in. I forget how many bio kidsa do you have? How did you end up there if you don't mind my asking Smile

Monchichi's picture

Totaly that is life for all of us in Africa. That is why my husband was so dead set on finding work in another country. We have lived this way for 15 years now.

Acratopotes's picture

only in South Africa....

Namibia does not fall under this lol, we have freeeeeedommmmmm like crazy

Sweet T's picture

The state statutes for me is 8, plus before I ever left him home alone I had talked with the therapist about it and she said he was totally mature enough to do it. Mine is 9 and in 4th grade. He is one of the younger kids in the class but is very responsible.

Acratopotes's picture

I do not think I can comment on this..... ya all will call cps and I will be locked up... oh wait I'm in different country..

Stay at home alone, regardless what i went to do... or the time of day, - Deigma stayed alone at home since age 4..
food and drinks was place low enough for him to reach and high enough for the dogs to leave it, Deigma had a chair he used to reach

Walk down the street - since age 5 - to play with kids on the block and they went to the park, about 2 blocks from my house, and they used their bicycles to go to the local corner shop to buy sweets and cool drinks, all on their own

|Stay home sick alone - since age 7 when he went to school, 95% of the time he was faking, cause he did not learn his spelling words/did his home work or what ever... It was punishment, believe me, disgusting watery chicken broth and no TV... He only pulled this stunt 4 times in all 12 years of schooling

Deigma had his first phone when he went to boarding school age 16... not before. He knew the rules and he had a watch, you can play around but be at home 17:00 or else..... and we had certain roads he had to use, still today, in case I have to go and look for him, once he used a different route and he did not enjoy the punishment...

uofarkchick's picture

That's awesome. I think it's completely dependent on the kid. My girls, hell no. My son, absolutely. I wish there were more parents like you in the states.

Acratopotes's picture

I think it depends on the country you are in, I will never forget, my older brother was 8, I was 5 and youngster was 1,
Mum got ill and had to go to hospital, \dad took her, they where gone for the week-end (we lived on the farm and hospital was far away)

We enjoyed our new freedom without parents, hell we could smoke their cigarettes butt in the house, not only behind the barn, we made out own food, scrambled eggs with syrup toast for every meal and nice cold milk....
We only had to take a bath Sunday morning before they returned... and we sort off messed up our beds to pretend e slept in them - we did not we slept in the barn lol...

WE prayed for month for a parent to get sick again, but it never happened }:)

mommadukes2015's picture

It all depends on maturity and their ability to know/follow the safety rules for me.

SS is 11 with, Autism, he's allowed to stay home while I run to the grocery store or pick up BD and last week, he was home for a few hours after school while I was working. I have family all around my house-my only neighbors are family members. I make arraignments for him to be checked on every 45 minutes or so-so he's home alone, and has gotten off the bus alone (which is a van that drives him to the door).

I would not allow SS to walk down the street. He doesn't have enough road-safety/awareness skills yet.

I wouldn't leave him at home alone when he is sick. I work from home so this is NBD for me.

I wouldn't let him walk to the end of the street. I wouldn't let him walk to the mailbox without supervision-but that's SS. So no going a block away either.

Other children: I would feel like these independence things could start happening in baby steps around 11/12.

Tuff Noogies's picture

when i was a kid, at age 5 i was walking alone a half-mile to the bus-stop. i'd also go outside for hours at a time. so that covers most of your proposed situations. however with staying home sick alone, that probably didnt happen until i was past the age of 10.

with the boys, i dont think dh let them stay alone until somewhere around 12. well, oss and lurch. kaos is still not allowed to stay home alone for any more than 10 minutes. but walking down the street to or with a friend - he's been doing that for several years.

ESMOD's picture

Stay at home when you ran to the grocery store.

I think it was maybe when the OSD was about 11 and the YSD was about 7. I think with a particularly mature child, and a very short trip (30 minutes).. you could maybe leave a 9 YO alone. My parents certainly did when we were younger. But we lived on an army base, so I guess that may have been more secure. In our case the YSD was actually more advanced than her older sister. She was a responsible and trustworthy child.. so it was almost more like we waited for her to be 7 (acted 12) to watch out for her 11 yo (acted Dirol sister.

Get off the bus and be home alone for 10 minutes or so. This wasn't intentional really, but when the YSD lived with us full time when she was in 2nd grade, sometimes the bus would beat us home. They wouldn't let her off the bus unless a parent was home, but the kid was pretty smart. She would get off the bus and wave towards the house like she saw us (we had about 4 acres). The bus driver was never the wiser. Occasionally, if we KNEW we couldn't be there in time, we would call our neighbor to come up to the gate and meet the bus. Honestly, at 7 the kid was capable of taking care of herself then, but I am sure that the authorities would have frowned upon it. Don't get me wrong, we didn't intentionally leave her there alone.. but traffic, work schedules can make you later.. or bus is earlier.

Get off the bus and walk down the street to the house where the step parent is waiting. Would depend on kid and the neighborhood. I guess that if the kid was 10 or so, and the neighborhood was safe and the step parent knew they were coming and would call to confirm that that the kid got there all right.

Stay home sick alone. I would say 12 here. Sick is different. Kid might need help during the day.

Meet their buddy at the end of your street at the park. 12.. but maybe a little younger if it is a particularly safe area.

Ride or walk to their friends house a block away. 10ish

nengooseus's picture

We started letting DD stay at home alone this summer, when she was around 10.5.

SD--almost 12--still isn't allowed to stay home alone by her BM, but we have no concerns about doing it. She's Red Cross certified as a babysitter, too. BM is stupid.

We started by letting the girls take the dogs for walks, ride their bikes in our suburban neighborhood, and by leaving them to pick up takeout or go to the grocery store and worked our way up.

MineAndYours's picture

Stay at home when you ran to the grocery store - Age 9. Grocery store was short distance away..gone for maybe 20 minutes.

Get off the bus and be home alone for 10 minutes or so. My kids had to walk to school (less than 1 KM). Youngest was 5 oldest was 8. they walked together.

Get off the bus and walk down the street to the house where the step parent is waiting. N/A

Stay home sick alone. Depending on how sick...10

Meet their buddy at the end of your street at the park. Age 8

Ride or walk to their friends house a block away. Age 8

They stopped going to the sitter after school when my oldest reached age 11. They would be home for roughly two hours alone until I got home from work.

By age 13 both kids were capable of staying home all day...or evening if I went out.... by themselves

NoWireCoatHangarsEVER's picture

I'll tell you what ticked me the hell of last week. I have four kids and there ages are 2, 7, 9, and 11. I had gotten my elementary aged kids from school and they were doing homework and eating snacks. My middle schooler gets off the bus at 0350 and it was raining. I grabbed my two year old and literally went two blocks to the front of my neighborhood to grab my 11 year old. I was gone minutes!!!!!!!!! My 7 and 9 year old I consider responsible and so I left them at home. I got home to find a neighbor's black car in my driveway and my 7 year old in her back seat.

This neighbor, and I've blogged about her before, you may recall is the one that passed out in an upstairs bedroom and I couldn't wake her up for hours!!!! (Ever since then I've worried about my neighbor having a drug problem).

The neighbor says to me, "I got a parent teacher conference for both Son and daughter at the beginning of the week. Both don't turn in their homework. I told them if they don't turn in their homework, they can't have their ipads for the whole weekend. They didn't turn in their homework. The ipads have been confiscated. Kayden has been in her room and throwing a temper tantrum and won't quit crying. I told her we could go to Publix and I'd buy her $5 worth of candy if she'll quit crying and she wants your DD7 (her bestie) to go. "

So in the few minutes it took me to go to the front of the neighborhood to get DD11 and drive back, the neighbor had come over and procured my daughter and had her in the back seat and they were going to go to Publix. No one asked me. Heck no one even told me. They were just going to do it.

Now you know my DD7 has high blood pressure and a possible weight issue and she isn't allowed to go and procure $5 worth of candy and the fact that this lady that passed out unresponsive in my home back in May grabbed my kid without asking was highly, highly alarming to me!!!!!!!!

so I've had to completely rethink the whole, just leave my 7 and 9 year old alone for 5 mins to grab my 11 year old. They showed me that they won't call or even text and say, "hey, it's it okay if I run to the store.. Or my mom will be right back with my sister in just two minutes and let's wait to see what she said. " No they didn't!!!!!!!!

WalkOnBy's picture

have I ever told you my Publix story?

High school spring break. Staying at a condo. Went to Publix to get groceries - okay, beer - cracked up when we saw that the "l" was burned out. Yep - Pub ix. Been calling it that ever since!

I LOVE when I am in Florida and have to go to the Pubix!!

Tuff Noogies's picture

*giggles* that's what dh and i call it too. we dont have one nearby us, just when we go to FL.

notsobad's picture

What has happened to us and our society?

I understand the fear of abduction, the media makes so much of it and it's terrifying to think you kid can be grabbed from their front yard or off their bike while going to the store, but have things really changed that much in 20 - 30 - 40 years?

I'm almost 50 and in grade one I ate my breakfast, left my house, walked 2 blocks, crossed a very busy street and took a 10 min bus ride to school. After school I went home, made a snack and either played or watched TV till my parents got home around 5 pm!
I spent my summers on my bike who knows where in the neighbourhood or at the swimming pool. All my friends were the same.

No one was abducted, no one died or was hurt making their own food.
One friend got hit by a car on her bike, the driver took her to the hospital and her parents thanked him for taking such good care of her! She broke her leg and he bought her a new bike. No one sued, no one freaked out.

When oldest was in grade three and the youngest was in grade one the two of them walked the three blocks school together. They went to a place after school because people would have freaked out if I'd let them come home on days I was working.
At 10 years old, I let my oldest come home but the younger one 7 had to stay in after care. I didn't feel good about him listening to his older brother. The following year, they were both home alone as I had to go back to full time work.

It's no wonder these kids dont launch, they have no idea how to take care of themselves. And we've made them terrified to try.

WalkOnBy's picture

I feel the same way AND I raised my kids the way that I was raised...

I never wore a bike helmet. Never knew anyone who got a closed head injury from falling off a bike.

Never was encased in a bubble. Walked to school. Came home to an empty house. Spent ALL summer outside riding my bike around the neighborhood. In a time when there were NO CELL PHONES!! Oh, the horror.

drives me crazy the way some of these helicopter/lawnmower parents parent today.

NoWireCoatHangarsEVER's picture

DD2's dad when he was about 11 was grabbed by a sex pervert right off of his bicycle on the street. The sex pervert through his bike in the back of the truck and had grabbed him and threw him in the truck. Two missionaries in the nice dress slacks and ties riding on bicycles saved his life and him from unspeakable horror. True story.

So even knowing that story and me having been a 911 operator and having taken all those rare nightmare calls, I'll just tell you I struggle with this but I know I can't be a helicopter parent. I do know how very important it is to foster independence and to teach kids to be self reliant and responsible. So I let my 7 year old ride her bike to school but with a group of neighborhood kids and they caravan together. It still makes me so nervous especially when she doesn't come straight home but goes to her friend's house first after school and I have to drive around looking for her bike because she is late. I then have to put her on restriction and give her punishments and let some time pass and try again and hope this time she realizes she has to go straight home and check in and ask permission!!!!!!!

WalkOnBy's picture

Scary situation BUT it's the exception and not the norm, right??

I grew up with the Oakland County child killer dumping his victims in my neighborhood. We still played outside and ran around as a pack of kids year round. Our parents made us come home before it got dark and we were taught stranger danger and to NEVER get in a car with someone.

Yes - bad things happen. But remember, all of us made it to adulthood without instant access to our parents. I think we were far more self-reliant than most kids today. We knew how to do stuff for ourselves, unlike the kids today who can't seem to think for themselves.

Sweet T's picture

So I live in a rental town home community that is very nice. We have a beautiful pool, new rainbow play system, club house ect... There are not a ton of kids there but are some. We are really lucky that there are a couple really nice boys for BS to play with. His bestie lives 4 doors down and they will ride their bikes to the play ground but mostly play in the yard between the houses. He has another buddy that lives on the other end that he rides the bus with and will meet at the play ground. He has a phone in his pocket and a specified time to be home. He is responsible and respectful and knows not to go with others ect... we have had the talk.

This summer I have allowed him to stay home while I run to the store. He knows not to answer the door, He arms my alarm system and he has wiener dog to keep him company. He does great and feels very grown up. It has been a great confidence booster as well.

This year since my husband is home from work then and is usually walking the dog around the complex I decided to forgo after school daycare and have him take home the bus. I generally get home at the same time or maybe 5 minutes later.

Sweet T's picture

I could easily be a helicopter parent, I worry a lot. Thankfully BS doesn't know how much I do because I keep it to myself. I can see how much this little bit of freedom has built his self confidence and maturity over the summer.

My ex is kind of pissed despite the fact that the day care cost is going down ( last year he wanted to see if my bosses daughter could get him off to school... she is 6, he was confused because he didn't want to pay the 20 % that the daycare costs me anymore)I didn't ask his permisson. I have physical custody so I did not need to according to my attorney. It is just something to pick at. It was ok that I drove his kids around at the same age or watched them or that BS is home alone with his GF but he doesn't think BS should be home alone with my husband. Funny thing is BS and husband have a great friendship. BS was telling me yesterday that husband is one of his best buddies.

Sweet T's picture

I read parenting through love an logic and they encourage that. We need to choose the kind of choices they get and learn through natural consequences. It really helped BS & I through a rough period and we are both better for it.

WalkOnBy's picture

you know just how much I agree with you.

I swear, when I look at what my kids do/think/say when compared to what my friends say about their kids, my head wants to explode.

I had a friend say the other day "Thing1 is going to Chicago for a second interview? Are you going with him???"

I literally spit out the very yummy Bulleit I was drinking.

Sweet T's picture

Maybe you could dress him for the interview?????

I want my son to be successful and happy and not living with me at 30 in my basement. Smile

notsobad's picture

Even sadder is that there are parents who call the job and give the potential employer hell for not hiring their child!!

Stepped in what momma's picture

Stay at home when you ran to the grocery store 13

Get off the bus and be home alone for 10 minutes or so. 11

Get off the bus and walk down the street to the house where the step parent is waiting. 8

Stay home sick alone. 14

Meet their buddy at the end of your street at the park. 14

Ride or walk to their friends house a block away. 14

Cover1W's picture

Stay at home when you ran to the grocery store:
The SDs were comfortable around age 10 to do this.
They had a phone available in case they needed it (more for reassurance)

Get off the bus and be home alone for 10 minutes or so.
SD12 was doing this at age 11, she had to get off the school bus and get home alone, and wait there alone till DH got home. Not an issue for her.
However, locking the freaking front door is still an issue.
Don't get me started.

Get off the bus and walk down the street to the house where the step parent is waiting.
See above.
SD10 will be doing the same routine next year at age 11.

Stay home sick alone.
12. DH is ok leaving SD12 home alone if she's got a simple cold.
If she's got the flu he'll stay.

Meet their buddy at the end of your street at the park.
9/10. I worked on this with DH. We live in a great neighborhood with lots of places to go (park, waterfront, greenspace, quiet streets. GO PLAY.
The only caveat we give them is to 1) let us know you are leaving our property and 2) let us know where you are going. Gives them independence and personal responsibility and they love it because they can't do it at BMs.

Ride or walk to their friends house a block away.
See above.