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Switching weekends

Sweet T's picture

I just need to bi+ch a little about my ex. He emailed today to see if I would switch weekends next month because they just now realized the vacation they booked months ago falls of the weekend he has our son.


I swear he is the most disorganized person. What if I couldn't. He has no relationship with his family and they have paid for a trip. What would he do if I had plans.

For someone who complains constantly about wanting more time, he didn't take his week of vacation last year during the summer and gave up labor day weekend.he gave up new years eve and day this year already.  I am totally fine with it but it gets old almost 5 years later listening to him complain he doesn't get enough time when he agreed to the visitation,  then moved 45 minutes away and gives up at least one holiday a year.

The last time he had bs apparently he lost his temper and told him to shut up he was tired of him while looking at Christmas lights.





qtpie013178's picture

Good morning Sweet T,

It sounds like asking for more time is motivated by a few possible goals:

1) Getting to 50/50 time, then contesting child support

2) Proving to his friends and relatives that he’s a better parent

3) Sneakily increasing his time over yours, then petitioning for primary custody to spite you

4) Maintaining control, you don’t want the ex, his hold on you has ended , but he can control you indirectly through your child.

I am going through a similar divorce appeal and custody battle, even though bio dad has canceled visitation at least three times in the past six months.

nengooseus's picture

I'm sure our BM thinks DH is terribly disorganized and I know she thinks he's a piece of crap because he sometimes can't 100% do what the CO would have him do (In fact, she thinks he should do more!).  Our CO was signed in late-2016 and honestly, time has marched on.  DH tries to make sure that he takes all the time available with the skids, but 100% isn't possible.  He tries to give adeqaute notice and he asks for makeup time, but that doesn't mean he gets it.

What would your X do if you had plans?  He would just not pick up your shared kid.  Such is the "glory" of being NCP.  NCP doesn't *have* to pick up the kid if there's a primary physical custodian named.  He's being responsible by notifying you a month ahead and asking to switch weekends.  Is it annoying?  Yep, but it seems like he's trying.

And it could be that he *does* want additional time, but life gets in the way.  My DH routinely has to give up a week or more of vacation with the Skids because of scheduling issues.  And he had to forego his birthday time with them last month because of a work trip.  He would love more time with the kids (well, before he realized that they were being total a$$holes, not sure now), but our BM doesn't allow it unless it's in the CO.

And so what if he lost his temper with BS?  I lose my temper with BD almost every day!  It's part of being a parent.  And I've told her to shut up and that I was tired of looking at her, too.  And DH absolutely has told the skids that he doesn't want to look at them and to shut up.  

Obviously this hits me close to home, and I don't know your overall circumstances, but I'm sure from our BM's perspective, my DH is much worse that what you're describing of your X.  The reality is that it you want to find fault in your NCP, you will.  It's there to be found, and there are reasons you're no longer together.  If he's as bad as you're feeling he is, your DS isn't missing out on anything by Dad not taking time.  Just stop giving it the headspace.

beebeel's picture

I know he was a bad husband, but missing a day here or there isn't exactly shrugging off his custody time. Life happens. Flexibility with the schedule shouldn't be a problem If you've both moved on and don't want uneccessary conflict.

Sweet T's picture

I was just irritated and bi+chin. It's the same old games, be an ahole to me in person and emails....until you want something, with periodic threats thrown in occasionally for good measure.


I do accommodate most requests, it just makes me shake my head that you plan a vacation.away months agowhen you have your child...and then remember to ask me to switch. 


Trust me I lose my temper with the kid too. The difference is with me when he drives me to the point I loose it we then discuss it, what he did wrong ect.... 


The boy loves his dad a lot...and gets that his dad has issues. For him to tell me that story, he was super hurt. He isn't a bad kid like some of the kids we hear about on here. When he told me about it I used it as an opportunity to remind him that he can get carried away being a good and that he needs to reign it in before he drives us nuts.



Iamwoman's picture

Hey Sweet T! I always used to love when HCBD would "need" to skip a visitation with DD. It meant that I didn't have to become sick with worry about what sort of drama was occurring or how DD was being scarred for life by HCBD (and apparently his wife as well, according to abuse documentation in the GAL report).

I never considered ANY of HCBD's visitation plans to be solid until it actually took place. So basically, I lived my life prepared to have DD remain in my care despite any plans made or CO plans (DD didn't know I did this). If I wanted to plan a vacay without DD (such as my honeymoon with DH 7 years ago, or our upcoming weekend trip), I would ask my parents or one of DD's friend's mothers to watch her.

When someone in your life has proven themselves as unreliable, don't ever rely on them.

As far as your son's annoying traits despite being a good kid - well, my YSS10 is a great kid too! He has a heart of gold, and at times, I simply adore him. I sometimes miss him when he isn't here, but then when it's EOW, within an hour of his arrival, he makes me want to hide. He is just too much.

He may be absolutely loving, kind, helpful, upbeat, etc, but the constant attention whoring is completely draining. In addition to just that one blanketing aspect of his personality (or maybe because of), I can also see that nothing else in his life is nearly as important to him as interacting, getting reactions, and forcing reactions from those around him.

He can't enjoy playing with Legos for the mere enjoyment - he wants to show everyone everything he makes. He can't enjoy riding his bike - he wants someone to watch. He can't enjoy watching a movie - he wants to talk about it DURING the movie with everyone else watching. He often trips over his own feet and falls down because he is too busy paying attention to people around him instead of focusing on what he is doing. He is failing in school because he refuses to do his work unless it is spoon fed to him by an individual person (it's all about the attention again). He will not do anything on his own AT ALL, because for him, it isn't about exploring the world around him and bettering himself - it's about CONSTANT interaction with ANYONE who happens to be in his vicinity.

If he is told to "not interrupt adults," he will try really hard for half a day to not interrupt adults talking, but he will do it in the most pathetic, attention-mongering manner he can contrive... such as shuffling into a room, spinning in a circle, sticking his hand in his mouth, looking like an injured puppy, etc, and then when DH finally reaches a point where he can address YSS10's needs, it turns out to nearly always be something that YSS10 already knew the answer to! Such as "Dad, can I eat lunch?"

...ALL of our kids get their own breakfast and lunch, and have been for well over a year, so he knows the answer is 'yes,' but because the question is irritating, DH will often be snappish and have a harsh tone as he says, "YSS, you KNOW you can eat lunch. You've made your own lunch for over a year now..." to which YSS10 skips off to the kitchen to make himself easymac (all the skids ever eat on their own), and DH and I sit there irritated because YSS10 got what he wants: attention; when the goal is to try to make him see that his constant attention-seeking is going to ruin his life. It is frustrating, and although we both think YSS10 is a great kid, we also both snap on him more than our other two kids, because despite constant efforts on our part to try to teach him otherwise, he will not stop attention-whoring.

Sweet T's picture

Hey girl Hey!

Trust me when he gives up time I am fine with it...just don't threaten to take me to court because you want more when you don't use what you have.


Bs  has his moments but for the most part hed is amaz ing.  He made the A honor roll his first trtimester of middle school, has good friends , teachers love him. He can stay home alone on off days.  He can do laundry, vaccuume, load and unload dishwasher...which he does on those days. Cares for our two dogs...and pretty much whatever I ask him to do.


He is a bit of a smart Alex at times when he thinks he is funny and he is hard to get up. Not bad really for 11 going on 12.


I am very proud of the man he is turning into.

Iamwoman's picture

He sounds like a super kid! Nice job SweetT!

Yes, the stupid court battles that have nothing to do with the child’s best interest but are always veiled as such are exhausting!