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THIS is what we get when DH stands up for ME.

stepmom31's picture

SM31 is not my wife nor do I have ANY obligation towards her. As I have stated before SHE is the one that came into a situation where kids were established from a long term marriage. If anyone should be understanding or trying to keep things civil it is HER. I don't care nor need to know what your support is towards her involvement. As she clearly made it known when she helps out it is her helping you with YOUR responsibility.

After being married to you for so many years I expected her to care for our kids, especially since SD & SS help so much with HER kids! I have no respect for SM31 because she did not earn it. And frankly I am sick of being told any damn thing about her and her crybaby ways. You and I were married, we loved each other once and made two children together, exactly the same as what you have now. We are divorced and just because you are re-married does not mean our relationship has to include her. There is nothing romantic between us, we share a common goal of a great relationship for our kids and I feel SM31 needs to GROW UP and not only respect that but honor that because she owes that to our children! I'd like to know if you divorced her and some other woman was step mother to her two children how supportive she would be to cater to that womans feelings over her own childrens!!!!!!?????

I will fix the frigging calendar. And to be honest SD was not feeling well this morning when I left for work. If she is sick and prefers to be in her own room in the comfort of her own bed then I may not bring them til tomorrow.

DH's name, I respect you and always will, and i hope you feel the same. I understand the pressure she puts on you so I have no problem with you, but I do not have to yield to her or anyone, ever.

I will drop them late evening, but as I said before if she is not well i will just wait til tomorrow. As her father I am sure you can understand.

This is an Email from BM because:
1. DH said he supports my involvement
2. Asked her to change back the calendar after she underhandedly tried to take away one of his days.


stepmom31's picture

LOL. She doesn't like anyone she cannot control, or who doesn't let her get her way. Period. Smile

QueenBeau's picture

"she owes that to our children"
NO. You owe them nothing. You didn't make them.
" If anyone should be understanding or trying to keep things civil it is HER"
false. It is BM because SM's bio kids do NOT have to be in BM's care.

BM's are psycho. Sorry you have to deal with this.

myspoonistoobig's picture


Jmom's picture

^^^^Gotta agree with this. I'd back so far off she'd be wondering what happened to me! LOL! This would be DH's problem. She's right it is his responsiblity. DISENGAGE NOW . . .It will save you a lot of headaches trust me!

stepmom31's picture

It is a headache, but I choose to stay involved to support DH because he does appreciate it, and appreciate me for it. If it sends BM's panties in a wad, let her wad away.

QueenBeau's picture

and furturmore...
"SHE is the one that came into a situation where kids were established from a long term marriage."
NO YOU are the one that let your long term marriage end & now have to deal with kids having a SM.

realitycheckmom's picture

Actually BM is right. You may not like it but you walked into a situation where kids were already established. The marriage has nothing to do with it (unless stepmom was the other woman and then she should realize she will catch a lot of flak from the kids).

BM doesn't have to like the kids having a SM but if SM is good to her kids she should STFU and be happy. Personally as SM I don't think it is my business and I try to stay out of it. Let DH handle it, he was the fool that knocked her up it is his mess. As long as skid is decent and follows the rules of our home I don't care. I made DH the bad guy every time SS was a brat except when he wasn't home and then I let DH know and he would deal with SS on his breaks.

stepmom31's picture

I'm definitely not the other woman, thank goodness!

As for my SKids, they are decent and respectful in our house, but it's because DH won't tolerate less. Smile

realitycheckmom's picture

You are so lucky!!! I mean that, I got a skid with RAD that was PASed by Dh's parents and a DH that stuck his head in the sand when the sh*t hit the fan. You just need to avoid BM and let Dh deal with that little fun leftover of his past. Smile

Anon2009's picture

I have to ask you this as you have bio children.

If you and DH were to split up and your kids were to get a SM, would you feel ok with her being as involved with your kids as you currently are with your SKs? Would you feel any awkwardness about that at all?

She (BM) doesn't have to love or like you or "yield" to you...she does have to do what is right for her kids and TREAT you with respect.

Is BM remarried or in a relationship? Maybe she feels like her DH isn't involved (or as involved) so you don't have to be either. She can feel all she wants. She and her DH didn't have your DH trying to tell them her DH can't be involved. They were the ones who decided that.

Maybe you need to send her this:

What We Wish BMs knew about StepMoms

1. She isn’t playing house with your child and your ex-husband.

Stepmoms are trying to build their own family, a very real family that
includes their husband, and children who aren’t theirs.

Some of them will grow to love their stepchildren and some won’t, but
they’re doing their best to ensure the child still grows up feeling
happy and loved.

They’re nurturing a marriage and trying to figure out their role in
the stepchild’s life. And while you knew your place in your child’s
life from day one, stepmoms can spend years trying to find theirs.

2. It’s not about YOU.

A stepmom’s priority is her marriage. When she does something for her
stepchild, often the motivation has nothing to do with you. It’s not
about trying to make you look bad or make you feel “less than.”

The motivation is the safety and happiness of her stepchild. The
motivation is the love she has for her husband.

She’s trying to do the right thing – just like you would.

Similarly, when she supports her husband, the intention is not to go
“against” you. In fact, there are times when stepmoms actually side
with mom, although — unless you have a decent relationship with the
stepmom in your situation — you’d never know it.

3. Stepmoms often feel powerless and alone.

Stepmoms have no legal rights with their stepchild. They understand
this; their stepchild already has a mom and a dad. But it gets
difficult when they’re turned away for trying to obtain something as
simple as a library card for their stepson or stepdaughter. Or when
the doctor’s office won’t give them any information, even though they
will be the one driving the child to the appointment and giving them
their medication.

It’s a hard pill to swallow, especially for stepmoms who have taken
care of their stepchildren since they were very small.

It can make a woman feel unimportant and insignificant. It’s a feeling
only a fellow stepmom could understand.

In addition, stepmoms are often powerless when it comes to their
stepchild’s behavior. This is a struggle, because they are greatly
affected by the unwanted behavior, but they don’t have the authority
to do anything about it. If they’re lucky, their husband will be
supportive and listen to their concerns, but this isn’t always the

4. When you contact their household, it often feels weird and
disruptive. Stepmoms know you have the right to call your children as
often as you’d like. And they understand you need to talk to your ex
occasionally about parenting issues. But it can still feel like an

Stepmoms are constantly struggling to find ways to bond with their
stepchildren. And when you call, it interrupts the activity in the
house and their stepchildren are immediately distracted. Any bonding
that was going on is gone.

Stepmoms may feel as though you’ve crept into every aspect of their
lives. And your calling their house is another painful reminder of

5. Stepmoms don’t cross your boundaries on purpose, they just can’t see them.

Many moms complain that the stepmom is trying to “parent” their child.
But a fundamental problem seems to be, what moms consider “parenting,”
stepmoms consider “being responsible” or “supporting their husbands.”

Remember, many stepmoms aren’t sure of their role.

They’re stumbling along, figuring it out as they go. And it’s
difficult to try and do the ‘right thing’ only to realize you’ve just
caused mom a coronary. It’s not intentional.

Stepmoms wish there was a rule book. They wish the situations were
black and white. They wish they could be on the same page as mom and
dad, and know how to handle every situation.

But they don’t.

This is where neutral, open communication would be to everyone’s advantage.

Unfortunately, for many stepmoms, their first experience of mom is an
emotionally-charged phone call, email or text telling her she has “no
right” to do whatever it is she did. To a stepmom, this feels like
you’re kicking her when she’s already down. It comes as a shock —
because again — her primary intention was to help her husband and care
for her stepchild.

6. A stepmom’s marriage has a 60-70 percent chance of failing. And one
Boston study reported that 75% of the women who were surveyed said if
they had it to do all over, they would NOT marry a man with children.
That says a lot about the difficulties stepmoms face.

This may not mean much to you personally, but it means your children
will have to experience the prolonged process of a second divorce and
deal with the aftermath.

7. Stepmoms are often disrespected or ignored by their stepchildren.
There are various reasons for this, chief among them understandable
and agonizing loyalty conflicts for the child, but regardless — it
still hurts. Stepmoms are only human!

Life isn’t always flowers and butterflies at the other household. Many
children feel weird about having a stepmom. They don’t know what it
means or what to do with it, so they act out or just ignore the
stepmom, which is awkward for everyone.

And most stepmoms don’t have “unconditional love” to fall back on.
When a child misbehaves, wreaks havoc, or throws a tantrum, parents
may get angry and frustrated, but their unconditional love makes it

Stepmoms aren’t so lucky. There’s no unconditional love coming to
rescue them from wanting to scream at their stepchild or run the other
way, sob somewhere private, and never look back. All they have are
difficult feelings and nowhere to put them.

But they do come back, day after day, because they believe their
marriage and their stepfamily are worth it.

8. A simple “thank you” can go a long way.

Stepmoms wish you’d give them even the smallest acknowledgement. For a
lot of women, being a stepmom is one of the hardest things they’ve
ever done. Often, their needs and wants come last, their schedules
aren’t their own, and they’re affected by a situation they didn’t

Many stepmoms take excellent care of their stepchild, with little or
no reward. They get no thank you, no love from the child, and no
appreciation from anyone but their husband — if they’re lucky.

They make many sacrifices in order to be with the man they love. So to
only be referenced as “she” (or even worse), or to be completely
ignored by you, can hurt them deeply. What they wouldn’t give for a
simple “thank you” or a nod in their direction.

I believe that kind of recognition can heal wounds.

Do stepmoms ever act from ego or a sense of competition with the ex-wife?

Sure, just as some moms do.

stepmom31's picture

To answer your questions:

1. It might be awkward to have a SM involved, but since I know how DH is, I know that any stepmom who stepped in and helped him would be helping the kids. Believe me, if a Stepmom cooked for my kids, or reminded them to brush their teeth or do their HW etc. I would be very grateful.

2. BM is not in a relationship. The father of her 1 year old left her soon after the baby was born and is also giving her trouble by not regularly paying Child Support. Even when she had a boyfriend, do you think BM would let him voice his opinion regarding HER kids?? Nope. BM would not understand what being in a good relationship with someone means even if it hit her on the head.

Anon2009's picture

Dh (or you) may still want to send it to her. I doubt it'll make her rethink her stances on you or her behavior but that article really applies to her.

Shaman29's picture

She expected you to care for her kids?? Okay......

I have to say, with the exception of her unrealistic expectations regarding your role, this was a fairly civil email. I wish Uberskank would have expressed herself this way, instead of sending DH crazy manifestos via email and text.

Shaman29's picture

Trust me......if DH still had the Uberskank Manifestos, you'd think this BM's email was a sweet little, bread and butter thank you note.

myspoonistoobig's picture

Still, civil by comparison alone doesn't make it civil. Though I'm sure the uberskank manifestos were quite a treat to read. Smile

twopines's picture

She expects you to care for skds, yet you haven't earned her respect. Someone is mighty full of herself, isn't she? LOL! She's amusing.

stepmom31's picture

If he reiterates anything, this craziness just goes on and on and gets worse.
(Show of hands - who knows what I'm talking about?)

So DH thanked her for changing the calendar, said he hoped SD feels better soon and he looks forward to seeing the kids this evening.

Play dead, and let her have the last word. In the beginning I never understood why DH would do this, but now I do. It makes her feel like she's won and then she shuts up.

stepmom31's picture

"They still want and expect that they and their crotch droppings come first in everything forever." YUP.

With our BM, I always get the impression that that is exactly how she feels. And in her mind her feelings and her children's feelings are one and the same.