Saying Good-bye to the Step Family
I have been with my husband for 27 years. He had full custody of his sons who were 5 & 7 when I met them. My husband worked full time and was gone out of town with work often, bio mom lived in another state and did not make regular contact. I became the main parent to the boys and while we were dating things were fine. As soon as we announced we were getting married the troubles began. I was screamed at and told I was hated, this was also carved in the older boy's dresser and written on his calendar. I had to deal with hatred and defiance. I was told that their mom said they did not have to do what I said. Bio mom told me that the boys hated me and my girls. I saw them as hurt and I felt with time and my efforts that they would see me as good in their life. To any young stepmom going thru this right now please be warned it might not get better!
My husband did not want to step to the daddy plate which made it worse. The boys learned that they could disrespect me and still be supported by their bio parents. It was like I was the single parent to children who hated me while the bio parents stepped back and enjoyed me being the target. Neither one of them got involved to try to help, infact bio mom was more destructive than constructive.
Husband and I had one of our own that did seem to bring us together as a family and the boys were more at ease, seemed more accepting til they hit their teens which I realize is not a fun time for families anyway but much more challenging when these are your steps. Porn issues, firing setting, stealing, lies, wanting to sleep at girlfriends' houses and thinking that had that right, defiant disrespectful behavior.
To top all the not so good off I learned that the boys had experimented with my daughters which I was told just before the youngest of the 4 steps moved away from home. This has put our family in a real pickle for the past 11 years. I stood strong to protect my daughters. We were called liars and I knew my daughters had not lied. I cannot even begin to tell you how awful this all was. the very children I was trying so hard to raise to be good upstanding individuals had touched my daughters in ways that were beyond my comprehension and I was being called a liar by the very people who were lying. My husband's family accused me of favoring the girls over the boys. The two families that I had worked so hard to unite into one were now completely split. My inlaws turned their backs to me saying they didn't want to be involved, it was ugly and there was never any resolve.
Wounds were just adding to wounds, angry and hurt was causing retaliation from everyone, pointed fingers but no one taking responsibility for their own actions and expecting me to shoulder the blame. I was expected to no longer attend any more functions but of course I didn't want to. The rejection was very much in place and I had to pay for opening my mouth to the truth. The family rallied to protect the boys which I was just sickened by.
My daughters and I eventually were able to move on with forgiveness, the girls started attending family functions again and were accepted but the boys continued with their anger and lack of acceptance.
My husband's father just recently passed away and the younger boy who never admitted to his actions did show up and was accepting to my daughters. The older boy left as soon as my husband showed up in town. If anyone recalls, he is the one that married last fall and told his dad that he did not want me to attend the wedding so husband did not go. Seeing the younger boy's acceptance of my daughters I thought perhaps there was a glimmer of hope that he might accept me as well and told husband I was thinking of coming to town. Husband told me this was not the time and place to try and repair old hurts and that he thought his son was not ready yet.
Things have not been good between my husband and I for a long time and the step family is only a part of all that but this was just too much. The divide in the family and me always feeling I cannot attend any function as a family member because I have been cast out just is not a good feeling. I finally told my husband enough is enough and I can no longer live like this.
As I was telling my oldest daughter that I was leaving her stepdad because I could no longer take living this way she was in tears. She was saying how she hoped to have a relationship with her step brother some day, that she too had not been invited to the wedding. That he was angry with her as well saying he felt she was a tattle tale, this man is 34 years old. he was upset with her for telling us (his dad and I) about an incident where he was breaking into coin boxes to get the money out of washer machines when he was in college, the kids was counseled for stealing. His dad asked him about it when we found out. How many years ago was that and who betrayed who? She was crying saying that she had not been a good sister to him. I about choked! I tried to tell her that she did not need to feel this way. It just sickens me as I see this kid trying to control everyone, he has this divide and conquer attitude and he is the one that is the victim and has been betrayed. He will not take responsibility for what he has done and only projects and blames others and my daughter is falling for this? Ugh!