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Yep, I made a mistake. Did not fully think it thru! Now paying the price. Ugh!!!

If you will recall I was asked to not attend my SS's wedding that is later this month and husband told his son that he would not attend unless I was by his side so we are neither one attending the wedding. I was terribly frustrated, not that I had wanted to attend the wedding because of the way SS went about it was rude which even his dad agreed. I made a post on my FB page voicing my frustration....realize I am not friends with fiance and SS is blocked. In my post I mentioned that my daughters had been violated by these boys, no details given, but I quickly realized that I had 2 grand daughters on FB and they probably should not see the post so I took it off. I then contacted my oldest daughter (34) and apologized. She then took me off FB along with her husband and 2 grandchildren. I contacted her again and apologized with no response.

It doesn't stop there. BD18 wanted to contact her half brother's fiance, had befriended her on FB with the intent to make her aware of the abuse her sisters had endured from SBs. BD told me this and we talked about the repercussions of such act but this is what she wanted to do. She asked me if I would help her with the email which at he time I aw as pretty innocent, we talked about it. I told her that this had to be of her words and what sh wanted for herself. I told her that I felt the email would not be well received, that it would get all over the family and I felt I would be blamed for the email. I did help her with the wording, daughter sent the email. Of course it was not received well and like I thought I was immediately blamed. Fiance addressed me thru daughter's email and literally attacked me with every foul thing she could say.

Since, among oldest SS getting married, my oldest and middle daughters there's been alot of talk apparently and my middle daughters started her own investigation work to find the source of the email that was sent. Middle daughter contacted 18BD and asked if I wrote the email and 18 year old said I did but then explained that I had helped at her asking. Now I feel terrible as I was trying to help my daughter and this is going to be spread thru the family that I wrote the email.

I then get an email from middle daughter who was investigating and she tells me that she was hurt by my post about the step family, honesty is important and that I have let her down and she is hurt. So I explained what happened which BD18 said she had already done. Geesh, I should not have involved myself at all. Now I am being blamed for hurting everyone and apologies are not be acknowledged or accepted.

My husband and my friends have been great!!!! They have seen how I have been targeted for blame for years even before all of this happened. Yep, I messed up yet again and this is just another notch in their belt to hold against me. What a mess!

Slander lawsuit? I doubt

Slander lawsuit? I doubt anyone is going to go to all that trouble over a Facebook post that was true. Good luck to you...hope you patch things up. We all make mistakes.

It was my youngest daughter

It was my youngest daughter who contacted the fiance. She was not molested. And now since things have turned out like they have I have concluded that this was more than likely more mutual among the kids than I had believed, and been told, before. I feel the reactions of all indicate this.

I actually was quite upset about being excluded in the way SS chose to go about it. Separate invitations were sent to BD18 who still lives with us, and my husband. Husband picked up the mail that day and said nothing for 3 days, sitting on it all, pondering what to do. Then SS contacted his dad thru email, the boy doesn't even wish his dd a happy birthday or contact him for father's day, and said for all those attending it would be best if I did not come. I knew he was getting married and I had already planned on not attending but to me this really felt pushed in my face.

I think she overheard my

I think she overheard my husband and I fighting, we fought alot over it, as you can imagine. No one actually sat her down and gave her specifics and no specifics were actually mentioned in the email. It was even worded that what exactly happened was unsure.

I see what you are saying but

I see what you are saying but my youngest is an adult too and capable of making her choices and if I make choices for her then she doesn't learn from her own choices. I did walk this thru with her like I mentioned and she still wanted to do this.

Her father and I asked the

Her father and I asked the same question. She said she felt the finances should know about the involvement, she knew that neither her dad or I would contact her so she planned to.

At no point did the girls,

At no point did the girls, either one, say this was mutual. I am saying that I now feel lik this may have been more mutual than the girls have ever admitted.

I had no intentions on

I had no intentions on attending the wedding, nor do I want to. We did not like how SS went about the invitations and exclusion.

I was the only one that pursued the boys for the truth. My husband refused and this is what caused us no much trouble. BM accused my daughters and I of lying and I really felt my daughters were not being untruthful. I hung in there strong to support my daughters, talked to them in great length and meantime the oldest boy went into hiding and told family not to let us know of his location or contact info. The younger boys said that he was sorry if it had happened but that he had no memory. My inlaws were saying that I was not considering that it was possible that the girls had abused the boys instead. I continued to track down my oldest SS as I wanted justice for my daughters. My oldest claimed that SS would sneak in he room at night, night after night, until she would give in and that this went on for 5 years. A counselor had met with her when she was 10 an told me she felt that daughter had been sexually abused. At this time I questioned daughter about SB an she claimed he had not touched her. I told her that he should not touch hr and if he did she needed to come to me so I was watching.

I finally did find where SS worked and had all the contact info for my husband to talk to him and husband refused. It did come out eventually. SS did admit that this had happened, he said he knew it was wrong and then he told my husband's family that my daughter started it. At the time I felt that SS was not taking full responsibility for his actions and placing the blame on my daughter. Then everything just went into limbo, no resolve and no one talked about it. The oldest boy refused to be in my presence even in family settings which personally I felt indicated his guilt. I felt like he basically could not face me because of his own actions. My oldest daughter had told me that SS had wanted me dead years previous so I had a great deal of concern what this kid was capable of.

Nothing more had been said until this wedding stuff came up and that kind of reignited the situation. I asked my oldest daughter if looking back now if this was considered more mutual. The reason I did is because my middle daughter made claims that her older sister had told her it had been mutual until the end when she stopped it. I wanted to hear this from my oldest daughter's mouth. I had become suspicious as the two kids had been in contact and I felt if here had been abuse they would not have contact. When I asked my oldest daughter replied saying that she and oldest SS had talked and agreed not to speak about this any longer with anyone.

Actually no, I don't think

Actually no, I don't think either of us are trying to ruin anyone's life and I did not even begin to think that it could have been mutual until my oldest contacted her SB, at that point I doubted my daughter had been completely honest. I think it was too hard to admit and honesty I think she wanted her SB to hold the blame.

I think a person would have to be in this situation to truly understand how frustrating an stressful this has all been. I am trying to let it all go and have been. I didn't post to rehash the whole situation. Basically, I was debating the way fwd after the newest addition to this situation. I like the first two replies to let it go and not talk about it again. Apologies are not being heard, explanations are just making the situation messier. Everyone has their take and opinion. I think it is best to let it all go and let the kids work on their own issues with each other if there is anything additional that needs to be addressed.

Facebook, emails, this is

Facebook, emails, this is really ridiculous. Neither are the way to go about resolving or hashing out such personal issues.

This was a great opportunity for you to teach your BD18 about minding one's own business. At the very least, have the guts to talk to a person face to face if she has something so personal to say. Add to it the fact that she was just repeating what she had heard and did not really know what she was talking about. Seriously uncalled for.

None of that should have been put on FB or in an email.

Now, it turns out, that the sexual contact may have been mutual and this man's fiancee is getting an email telling her that the man she is going to marry is an abuser.

Yeah, what a mess.

Yeah, Facebook is a PITA

Yeah, Facebook is a PITA anyway, and worse when people use it to post about drama, politics and religion. Bleh.

It's too easy to overshare,

It's too easy to overshare, put your nose where it don't belong and cyberbully on Facebook and it sounds like you did a bit of it all. Yes you made a HUGE mistake, you know it and there may be no way of fixing it. I know you were frustrated and being purposely excluded can hurt but this is why we women have wine, therapy and journals. Facebook is NOT therapy and definitely not a journal.

Your BD was out of line with her email, she was not at all involved. The good news is that BD is probably uninvited to the wedding too so y'all can hang out together.

I absolutely get the sick feelings and frustration that comes from step siblings having sexual contact. This happened last year between BD19 (at the time) and ss29 (at the time). I was horrified, sick, grossed out, found condoms on her floor from him (Thank gawd they used condoms!). Now ss30 is engaged and a small (evil) part of me wants to tell his fiance, I mean sleeping with your step sister...ew. But it's totally not my place and honestly I don't even like to think about it much less talk about it. bd and ss are going to have to live with their actions and do their best to keep their little secret. They weren't shy with each other last summer so the entire family knows so it won't be me that spills the beans.

The way forward for you may be to deactivate you FB account for awhile and let it all blow over.

ss as my son in law too... oh

ss as my son in law too... oh gawd no. Don't think I could have anything to do with either of them. I doubt they will ever fall in love or get married. Luckily DD mostly got her act together, finished school and has a job. She "outgrew" him pretty fast.

I don't think the issue is

I don't think the issue is that they were biologically brother and sister. I think the issue is that they were RAISED as brother and sister, and that deserves an eeeeeeuwwwww.

A guy I lived with for

A guy I lived with for several years...

I kicked him out. He moved in with his dad and SM. Shortly after, his step sister left her husband and also moved in with them

Married his step sister about 6 months later.

After the incident with ss

After the incident with ss and dd I did some reading on the subject and found out that I'm not alone, it's more common than we'd like to think. OP, here's a link to the "Google" book, "Strangers in the House." It may provide some helpful insights.

https://books.google.com/books?id=VXZ0AXgR61sC&pg=PA78&lpg=PA78&dq=step+...

My step sister is married to

My step sister is married to her step brother.

His mother and her father are married. They got married after she and her husband got married. Her mother was married to my dad.

Hard to explain but nothing wrong with it, they weren't raised as siblings.

Yes, the truth hurts but

Yes, the truth hurts but facebook is not the place to blast what she "thinks" is the truth. OP has even said that maybe she is second guessing what the truth really is.

Yes, SS did confess to his

Yes, SS did confess to his father, grandfather and an aunt that he did do as my daughter had said, I was not present. He told them that he knew what he was doing was wrong but he could not stop himself. Then he told the family that my daughter started it. When he did it was like none of my inlaws heard him confess and when SS said my daughter started it that sealed it for the family, my daughter was the abuser.

It's taken my husband and I a long time to wort this all out. Even after the confession the oldest has stayed on the run from me. He and I have never seen or spoke since. At first I just wanted it all out and for everyone to say their peace, get counseling, say their sorries an move on.

I did have a relationship with the younger boy there for awhile. The younger boy never admitted to anything and what happened with him was less severe. My husband and I had no doubt that younger boy was being untruthful that he had no memory of what my daughter claimed and neither of us doubted her word. When younger SS got married he did not invite his dad or I to the wedding, we knew nothing about it. We were informed by another family member. My husband asked why and his response was that his mom would not allow us in her house. BM has been an ongoing problem and negative influence for the boys. She is one of those that has to have thing her way or no way. Who knows if he was even being truthful, he doesn't have the reputation as being honest. When his wife became pg I had been in touch, had not met her yet as we lived too far apart. Husband an I both had kept in touch with both of them, asked them when the baby was due and was given the month but no date. 3 weeks into the month I realized I had not heard anything and asked husband if he had. Husband fwd me the email he was sent, the baby had been born 10 days prior. I am not sure even to this day why husband said nothing to me about it. As soon as I found out I emailed her and congratulated her, let her know I had just found out. She came unglued at me, attacking me, telling me I should have been there and what kind of a grandma was I, called me a liar. She said she had been warned about me and wanted nothing more to do with me or my husband. She said that if we have any contact it would be thru SS. I had not even met this girl yet. I let her know we would have loved to have been there but we had not been given a date or been informed when she was in labor. We did move on but I found it hard. She never did apologize or explain herself. She asked me to help with the little girl's (grand daughter) 1st birthday party and just as I was agreeing to plans were changed to wait til SS's BM could be part of it. I bowed out at that point and then SS and his wife let go with several attacking emails to husband and I both. That was the last for me and I have not seen or spoke to either since.

This is the kind of stuff hat has been ongoing and things just continually get drug the the mud and terribly messed up so I have stayed away.

I do not blame my 18BD for wanting to write the email to fiance even still. Perhaps there is no way to warn someone of a person's past and have it accepted. I cannot speak for my daughter but I do feel fiance is going to have some real hard issues to deal with SS. This boy's past will rear its ugly head in the marriage and I don't think it will be good.

Age difference between the

Age difference between the kids?

Thanks, I was trying to

Thanks, I was trying to figure out if they were close enough in age for it to truly be consensual. I guess if they were all under 10 it could have been.

Did it ever occur to you that

Did it ever occur to you that the man knew you weren't aware of the whole story surrounding the alleged molestation and so he didn't feel comfortable inviting you because of that. If my stepmom thinks I molested her kids why would I want to be around her when I knew that wasn't the truth?? Especially for such an intimate occasion.

^^^^^ THIS^^^^

He admitted.

AVR, ((hugs)) so sorry for

AVR, ((hugs)) so sorry for the negative response you're getting here. I've received the same about my similar situation, it's a very touchy and controversial subject, only those who have been through it can truly understand the stress involved and your/our reactions.

Our BM accused my sons (at the time, 9 and 7yo) of sexually abusing SD (then 4yo). CPS investigated, closed case very quickly stating that BM's claims were constructed (a.k.a MADE UP) and/or elaborated specifically with the intention to interfere with SO's parenting time. Family court also discovered the same thing. BM still makes those claims. Nothing in writing though (although SO and I have to no access to her FB, and no one who would 'report' to us, and we don't want to know what she posts anyway), but here's the thing, her voicing her 'beliefs' and 'concerns' about her daughter, even though they implement my sons, it is NOT slander or defamation. It's complicated to explain the law, (although I'm in NZ sorry) but basically, if a parent or guardian has these kinds of suspicions, it's their DUTY to voice em because the victim is a child and it's better to be safe then sorry. I'm not sure if your BD's and SS's were not legally adults when the alleged events happened, but if any were minors, it's not slander to talk about it.

I don't think you are in any kind of wrong here. The situation sounds really complicated. Your BD's have some explaining to do! You're acting the way you are because a bombshell was dropped on you and now they've all sticking their heads in the sand, you poor thing!

After all BM has done, I'd forgive her in a heartbeat and happily resolve and put this issue behind us IF she would either accept my invitation to meet with me and have an honest discussion (I'd understand the whole 'she's a mother, she had some reason to be concerned', I'd offer what I can to explain etc and would work towards a peaceful resolution) or just apologize, but because she still refuses to be honest, I HAVE to have my guard up! She recently started working at my sons school, I went in there immediately to talk to the school, I gave them all the facts, she's now pissed off that I've told them, *shrugs* i have no choice but to assume she will target my sons again. I have a feeling you're in a similar place, because you don't have the truth, your guard is stuck on 'up'.

If they don't like certain things you've done with the fucked up info they've given you, then they can step up as adults and explain things to you.

With all that aside.... luv, this has had a HUGE affect on you, understandably so. My situation resulted in my metal health declining, depression and social anxiety. I went to a fantastic therapist recently, BEST money spent. BM's accusations triggered (unbeknownst to me) PTSD and unresolved anger to do with something from my past, since discovering that, I've been able to step back and see the BIG picture. I am no longer angry at BM, internally, i 'forgive her' and have been able to 'let go'. My approach to BM and the situation is more clear headed and I'm a lot more comfortable with how I deal with it as I'm no longer fueled with anger. Have you been to see anyone? This is just my 'outsiders view', but could you be possibly dealing with strong emotions re/ 'that all happened under your roof', I'm just thinking, if it were me, i would have a lot of anger towards myself and SO, I could see it affect my decisions and how I dealt with it all. Regardless of what your bois and steps do from here on out, take care of you first! Get yourself onto firm and stable emotional foundations, it'll help you with how you deal with this mess from here on out. (sorry for long post and a lot of it rambles, it is a HARD topic to discuss and explain)

Do you know these people IRL?

Do you know these people IRL? Or are you ASSUMING a lot here? From what I've read, OP's bios stated XYZ happened; SS's said ABC happened. Now they've all "moved on" and here's a mother who has NO IDEA what really happened under her roof. How did you draw the conclusion that it was consensual and "they got caught", how is it that YOU KNOW? What if the boys groomed the girls, what if they were under age (young people are not mature enough to 'consent'), there are alot of factors and I don't think OP even has all of them, so I'm surprised that you seem to know exactly what's happened and now vilify OP.

The children were minors when

The children were minors when it happened. I was told 10 years after the abuse had stopped so all were legal adults by this time. It put my world in an utter tail spin. I took a hard stand to support my daughters and was criticized for doing so which I understand is typical in these situations. Had I not taken the stand for my daughters it would not have been good for them. This was something that certainly needed to be addressed but so many family members wanted to just sweep it under the rug like nothing happened. I felt under pressure to forgive the boys which now I realize I never had to do. The older boy confessed, he confessed that he knew it was wrong too. I think it is his guilt and shame that he cannot face and that is why he cannot face me. You know, I don't even know how I would react to this day if I did see him. His mom, his fiance, my inlaws can blame me for my reaction. They can support SS but I tell you if they ever walked in my shoes as the BM whose daughter was used by this boy they would know exactly how I feel. Would they forgive?? Heck no!

I sure understand the hard road you have been down and I feel for what you have endured.

Oh my. AVR1962, I just spent

Oh my. AVR1962, I just spent a bit reading over your prior blogs. Good gosh, Woman, it's been total chaos and continues still. For me reading I couldn't help but realize that this is all the 'norm' for you, DH and all the older children. And now the younger young lady has been pulled into it all.

You seem to have a sad track record of kickin' yourself in the ass then wondering what the heck went wrong. I'm not sure you're going to apologize your way out of this one.

I've got no advice to give other than to perhaps you print out every blog/post you've ever written here since joining. Print them and take it all to a quiet place where you can sit, be undisturbed and read them. Perhaps reflecting back on it all as it's played out with you, the kids, the family/extended family might help you learn to move on.

Yeah, I do kick myself over

Yeah, I do kick myself over and over again and that is part o the problem. When I am hounded with criticism I look at myself but what I am figuring out is these people who are blaming and criticizing are people who are wanting to turn blame on me to take away from their own actions. This is actually the dysfunction I grew up in as a child, I was the family scapegoat. I have been in counseling trying to understand this all and work thru it, trying to learn that it is okay to place boundaries and it is okay to take care of myself. When you have family around you that do not want that for you it looks pretty darn ugly to stand your ground but I am getting there, slowly but surely.

You stated over and over, "I

You stated over and over, "I actually was quite upset about being excluded [from the wedding] in the way SS chose to go about it." I'm just curious, what would have been a good way to go about it? Because, I'm actually hoping not to be invited to my SS's wedding, and I would imagine if I was not, it would pretty much be the same way you were not invited. That's one question. BUT, I do want to offer you support. I think the REAL issue is that, like a lot of people who have been in these situations, you are feeling a lot of unresolved pain. You got the wedding invite from your SS, and thought, 'Oh, he is getting off scott-free! He ruined my daughters' lives and now he is going to go on and have a good life for himself when. . . .' I think that may be the real issue. And, it is very, very difficult to let go when you think you and/or your family have been so-o-o wronged and the instigator is getting off seemingly scott-free or even trying to make it look like you are the real perpetrator. This is where a counselor can really help. Otherwise, this issue will keep coming up over and over, which from past blogs is definitely what seems to be occurring.
I think you keep having "oopsies" because in some odd way you are trying to obtain justice for yourself and your daughters. In your eyes, you are trying to get the truth out there. And, I get that, BUT, it seems as though others have resolved these issues. Not saying you should let go; but, take a step back. Rest. Try to think about the issue, as nasty as it is, logically rather than emotionally. Do you want justice, or do you want what is best for your family? Oftentimes they are not one in the same.

You hit it, TRUTH!!!!! That

You hit it, TRUTH!!!!! That has been what I have wanted, truth. I have to realize this, realize that truth is a matter of ones perspective and I may never know exactly what happened or why. I need to let go of my desire to know the truth, or hear the truth. At this point the truth might just open ll this to more questions and hurts and there has been enough.

You ask a good question.....how do I wish my SS would have handled the wedding invitation? Like I mentioned I had no intentions on going to this wedding being aware that he was engaged. I feel the proper way to have gone about this was to address one invitation to the family.....envelope would read "Mr & Mrs _________." I would have opted not to go and husband would have probably attended his son's wedding.

Typing this it almost seems strange to me that this makes a difference and I have to ask myself why I feel this way. It is not that I feel he needs to suffer, nor do I feel he is going on with his merry life, nothing like that at all. I actually wish him the best which might sound odd to hear. Up until this wedding invitation incident both boys were still in my Will with equal division with my bio daughters. Something in me snapped with the separate invitations to husband and BD18....I saw a bully who was trying to make a point that he can have his way, that it was okay for him to divide the family (the only family I have left), and he can take that from me. He's not going to divide and conquer. This is unacceptable. He also can't snap his fingers and expect people to come running after years of having no contact, and that includes with his dad and younger sister. He has had nothing to do with our daughter, they have no relationship. He opted out of the family rather than facing his shame. He does not contact his dad on his birthday or father's day, he does not respond to husband's email and my husband has been hurt. I cannot make SS face his shame or even have the desire to, nor can I do anything about his lack of respect and no contact with his father, nor do I want to.....I will not even begin to entertain any of it.

This SS is the boy that gave me so much grief. He was actually fine for the first 2 years his dad and I were dating and then as soon as we told the kids were were getting married all H*** broke lose and there was this constant blame, hatred, anger and resistance.....some serious acting out went on. H wanted his way and he would literally throw full body tantrums. My husband had full custody of his sons so I became full time SM when I signed on and boy did I have my hands full. In a nutshell I saw this grown 33 year old acting like the 10 year old that threw full body tantrums to get his way and I find it quite ugly.

AVR, Your DH appears to be

AVR, Your DH appears to be supportive of you in that he has told SS neither one of you will attend the wedding if you are not welcome. He must see some justification in your feelings toward SS. It might not have been such an easy road for you, dealing with SS since he was a small child. As with a good many SMs on this site, he may have been rejecting of you, but not the rest of the family. If this was the case, then the rest of the family would see him in a different light than you do. You expect support from those you feel close to, including your daughters. It could feel like they are betraying you. Hurt and anger can create desperation and ultimately - revenge - especially if you are feeling totally alone. I have to be honest with you - if SD invited DH and various members of my immediate family to her wedding, and excluded me, I would be hurt that my family did not choose to support me especially knowing how disrespectful SD had been to me.

It is obvious from your other posts that there is more baggage going on between you and SS than the 'molestation' or the wedding. It may have started to deteriorate with what you saw as molestation. It looks like you will really never know what it really was but you have been single-handedly fighting, and trying to resolve this battle. Maybe it is time to step back, take a little R & R, and regroup.

I agree with the last two posters who have suggested a counselor. I went through EMDR therapy. It was wonderful, and I would suggest it for anyone who is having a hard time releasing the past. The therapist helped me to see that SD's meanness and rejection reawakened old feelings of rejection and frustration from childhood. One of my favorite sayings was, "A little masochism never hurt anybody." LOL I think that is why it took me so long (over 20 years) to finally establish boundaries with SD, DH -- and my Mother. After so many years of taking abuse and trying to gain approval from them it suddenly dawned on me that I really didn't need it.

So here is the question: If you could 'constructively' establish boundaries with each member of your family, including skids, how would you do it?

Thank you for your very

Thank you for your very understanding reply. Yes, up until husband told his son that he would only be attending the wedding if I came I did feel very alone and I did feel I was fighting a battle single handed.

Thank you for the suggestion, I will loo up EMDR therapy.

As long as you and your

As long as you and your husband support each other.

And that is why most of my fb friends are even shocked that I have skids. I just never talk about them and cut them out of pics I post on FB.

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