Uh... sometimes email communication is the best way. I can say that both I and FDH require BM to write in email, and no other form of communication. It's not that she says things and doesn't follow through, or the fact that she rants at him over the phone, but we just don't want to hear her voice and would like to deal with her on our own time.

No legal issue YOU can bring, unless she took money from you or is harrassing, but he can, if he wanted to, which is unlikely.

I write the emails to BM at FDH's request as well. So I have his balls in my purse, that's where they should be. Also, keeping records is good for both sides.

This is an issue between them, if SM feels uncomfortable because she is insecure or unhappy with phone calls, and he decides to compromise with her, that's his choice, since it will be his wife. If it doesn't affect the children's lifestyle, then it shouldn't be an issue.

Eh, sorry if I sound harsh, this is just where I stand on the subject.

Ok well I am on the other end of this. I have taken over communication for my fiance with his ex-wife. He put me on his phone plan and we gave her my phone number and said it was his new number so that is how she gets to communicate with "him" and visa versa. Now mind you he is FULLY AWARE of this! He has no problem with me replying to her texts to "his" phone. She is the gold-digging, drama starting, ridiculous type and he cant stand her and I was fed up with the bs in the beginning of our relationship so I offered to do this and he happily agreed and accepted! I forward her texts to his phone and he will either tell me what to write or he will tell me to say whatever I want. I know better then to pick fights etc. so I keep it short and simple. And if she tries her typical crap I dont respond to her period! If however she is saying/doing things that your ex is not aware of then I think that isn't right! I personally am not fond of my man's ex wife or kid but I know how quickly and ugly things could and can get for my man if I were to say or do something to his ex if he wasnt aware or had a say in it.....

Murphy,

I know from experience how difficult it is to see another woman potentially getting involved in your kids' lives. And it does feel like she's butting in, getting in the middle, putting her 2 cents in where it's none of her business. It feels really shitty, but the truth is, if he is choosing to marry her, he is giving her the honor of a position in which she is entitled to have input in how he communicates with you, what boundaries are provided for any children in their home, how much extra he does for others beyond what is court ordered. As his wife, she is in a position to have influence, because it affects her home and her family. For me, when I was in your situation, I was still very hurt from the divorce, and it hurt me to know he was giving his current wife more consideration than he ever gave me. I hope your ex has waited longer and that you aren't dealing with those kind of raw emotions, but I can sympathize with you, believe me.

However, you must keep your emotions aside, and do what is best for your daughter. Your attitude in this transition has enormous power of influence in this situation-- to make this relationship a positive supportive one for your daughter, and a blessing for her whole life, or to influence her to cause it to be a step relationship from hell. And like it or not, your attitude is what will have the most impact on your child.

As long as her father communicates with you on issues regarding your daughter, he gets to choose how to communicate with you. You certainly don't want to disrespect his future wife, or antagonize her. After all, she will be in the home when your daughter visits her dad. It would be in your daughter's best interest for the relationship with her dad's wife to be another supportive adult in her life, not a source of conflict and stress.

As the mother, you have huge power of influence in this area. Show respect for the position she holds as his wife... if he is listening to her and communicating with you in a way that she feels is best and respectful, then he is being the kind of husband he needs to be. That's great! A man should honor his wife by allowing her to be involved in decisions that impact their household. You want your daughter to see and be exposed to healthy, positive relationships.

For your daughter's sake, please don't demonstrate an attitude that encourages your daughter to think of this lady as an outsider. She will be her dad's wife, and should be honored and respected that way. If you have anything negative to say or think about her, vent it in a safe place, not involving your child. If you have concerns with parenting or discipline issues, discuss those with your daughter's father, and come to a consensus, or agree to disagree. And please expect your daughter to treat her father's wife with the same courtesy, respect, and honor that she treats other adults such as teachers, aunts, your friends. Anything less will only cause disharmony, which is not good for your daughter.(of course I am assuming you are a decent parent who expects children to show respect to adults.... I realize some do not share this value. If you are one of those, please disregard this entire post because if you don't raise your child to have common courtesy, she will be a spoiled rotten brat and her relationship with her dad and his wife will be the least of your problems.)

Best wishes to you, your daughter, and her future stepmother. Please don't be one of those birthmoms who gets her jollies from trying to make a step-mom's life hell. Please don't be the root cause of one more step mom needing this site.

Having said all that, take care of you! Be sure you are doing things you love, being social, dating, and building and maintaining a physical, emotional, spiritual, and mental life for yourself apart from your daughter. You will be happier and healthier, and won't have empty nest syndrome when she grows up.

Peace to you!

hahahahaaaa!! Seriously, you could be the BM talked about on here. SO MANY women on here believe email only is the way to go. They don't want "their man" talking to another woman, even if that woman had his child. Many women on here say they write the emails because they're just so much better at communicating than their man, BUT he "approves" what she writes.

Sorry, but this is f'n hilarious to read it from this side.

I don't have to deal with this, thankfully, but I'd just keep communicating with biodad alone. I mean, dad and mom had sex and made the kid, and they're the ones to parent it. Period. If dad (or mom) wants to involve their SO in things, that's fine, but that's between them. They can pass along whatever info they want. The conversations about the kid need to take place betweem bioparents ONLY.
I'd stop emailing, personally. I say this as a BM and as a SM. I never got in the middle of DH's stuff with BM.

I don't know. I guess I have a different view on emailing than everyone else here. I don't think there is anything that needs to be said that would take more than a quick text. HOWEVER, my DH is very good about ignoring BM's crap and only replying when he HAS to The rest of her texts go unanswered. OR, if it is something he needs to talk to me about he says "I will talk to my wife and get back to you". Doesn't mean I have his balls in my purse, it means he respects my opinion and our marriage enough to run things by me when it is needed. He has told her that when she accusses him of not "having his own opinion or thoughts".

I don't want her emailing him any more than I want her calling. She likes to write him poetry and trust me, she would go there!! Besides the fact that emails go to DH phone as well, so they are just as intrusive as a text or call.

My dh only communicates via email. ANd yes I sometimes write those emails because my dh is very busy and if she doesn't get a response when she feels she deserves a response, she'll send 10 more emails. Does she know I write them? Probably. In fact, the OP could be my SD's BM. She doesn't like that she is forced to use email. She doesn't like having to call our home phone instead of dh's cell phone. She might very well think I keep is balls in my purse. And I'm sure she's called at least a dozen attorneys crying about the fact that I answer her emails.

Here's the thing - if we didn't have boundaries and rules about communication, she'd think it was fine to call him 100 times a day and talk about all kindsof random shit. He isn't HER husband anymore. He's mine. And I can't force him to do or not do anything. We've AGREED on these rules for several reasons 1) He respects me and my wish to have a peaceful household that does not include his ex-wife's constant nonsense 2) he doesn't want to talk to her and listen to her berate him - that is why he divorced her and 3) emailing means he doesn't have to communicate on HER schedule.