Caught in delusional BM whiplash
I'm stuck in a situation that is becoming harder and harder to take. The BM of my SS9 and SD11 is like a horrifying rollercoaster. Either she is actively aggressing both me and DH, she is completely ignoring us and avoiding contact, or she is in a period of fake niceness, which comes out of nowhere and to me feels the strangest and most abusive/gaslighting....
This past week she wouldn't stop verbally abusing DH, screaming at him over the phone, and threatening to tell his children what a monster he was and share all their previous exchanges with the kids. The stress rose and rose, I tried to stay out of it, but finally, it amounted to DH having an episode of anxiety so strong that he passed out and hit his head on the bathroom floor. I spent the next several days taking care of him, the kids, and forgetting my anger long enough to just keep things going.
This morning, in a moment of this fake niceness, she wrote him a message expressing that she'd heard from the kids how he had collapsed and how worried she was for him. This was the last straw for me, I exploded. DH has now "gotten over it" and thus "I should too," try to take things easy, etc. The problem is I'm still so angry. I drafted her the following message, which I haven't sent, and I guess I shouldn't send, based on previous (great) advice I've gotten here:
"DH collapsed last week because of the tremendous amount of stress your exchanges had on him. This was extremely detrimental to his health and disturbing for the children to witness, not to mention that all this stress is destroying me as well. It has been 3 years, this has to stop. This has to change. Everyone is suffering, I'm sure you are too. It's clear that you are still incredibly angry, but this is taking a toll on everyone and there is no sense in it. "
What can I do? Anything? Nothing? Send? Not send? I love my DH, my stepkids, and we have a good thing going--DH is super appreciative of everything and very concerned that I don't give too much with the kids, etc, but he has no tolerance for any anger I have with the BM. On one hand, I get it, he is getting enough from her, but on the other, I'm left having to care for everyone in the wake of her wrath and I'm the first expected to move on gracefully when he is ready to move on. I'm so lost. Help?