BM brought it to the next level
I'm so much less involved and in turn, less affected by all the insanity of the BM in our lives--largely thanks to all the great advice I've gotten here. BUT...
Things really took a turn for the crazy a few weeks ago. (for context we have legal 50/50 custody, alternating week schedule) DH got a call from the school, had to go in to a meeting with two social workers and the school nurse, who had been visited by BM (and SS11, who has been in full PA for the last 2 years) saying that at our house there is a abuse and neglect. This is of course all nonsense. The reality: SS11 has over 50 hours of absences from school on the weeks he is with BM, none with us. At her house, he sleeps in her bed, has violent tantrums, refuses to go to school, threatens his sister. At our house (and at school and in all of his activities), he is a perfectly behaved, happy, easy-going kid with no worries, and impresses everyone we meet. At her house, the kids (SS but also SD13) spend a lot of time alone--they even make dinner for themselves 3 nights a week and their homework never gets done. At our house, both have exemplary grades and a lot of help, we are always here. BM is also constantly encouraging SS to live with her and not at our house, and 2 weeks ago we got an email to this effect, from SS on her email address, saying that he "behaves badly with his mother because that's where he feels free", and that he has a "deep-seeded anger towards his father that he can't express when he's at our house", and "he's going to live with mom now"--of course, this is all verbatim regurgitated phrases from his mother, she's written us emails with exactly the same wording. I'll also add that the mother has no interest in taking full custody of my poor SD13, she mostly stays locked in her room calling us, scared, because it's been hours with BM and SS screaming without her having any idea what's going on. BM doesn't want her, only SS.
We have a really sweet life with the kids and we have a lot of fun, the kids are affectionate, calm, and seem relaxed at our house always. SS, when he is a couple of days away from BM, adores his father to no end, they spend hours building legos together, playing soccer, etc. We have rules in our house, but just the kind of rules that I would assume are pretty standard in any household. We talk calmly with the kids when they are upset, we don't punish harshly, overall it's the most balanced household I've ever seen--certainly better than what I grew up in. BM's house doesn't have any rules, the kids are free and spend most of their freetime on screens, and SS seems to be the king of the house. BM has zero authority, and has never exercised or tried to have any. She believes that the kids should express themselves however they want and that they shouldn't be limited by rules. She also routinely tells SS that he has "psychological problems" and brings him to shamanic events and supernatural meditation to "help". She's also seen numerous psychologists (mostly of a esoteric/non clinical/non standard persuasion) with SS, without our consent, behind our backs, and asked SS to lie about it. BM is completely convinced herself --and SS-- that SS's problems are serious, psychological issues and have nothing to do with her parenting, and, concreteley, are OUR FAULT. I'll also mention that she really doesn't seem capable of having the kids for a full week at a time--she demanded we change schedule by threat of lawyers and judges earlier this year, these problems started getting much worse when we suddenly changed to weeks from our 2-2-5 rhythm in the middle of the school year.
Because of this accusation, now we have to have a social worker follow us for 5 weeks. Luckily the social workers, upon hearing our side of the story and also remarking on how SS11's story seemed to change from day to day, decided that probably something fishy was going on and extended the social worker follow-up to both houses. I have very mixed feelings, there is no way in hell I want a social worker in my house, but I hope that the social worker will notice all the incredibly problematic behavior at her house.
DH went to a lawyer and she was pretty adamant that going to the court should still be a last resort, and to see how the soial worker visit goes--maybe there will be fodder for taking custody afterwards. Apparently none of these things are THAT proveable in court?! Seems crazy to me.
Any advice? Anyone had visits from social workers like this? Does this seem like a viable option? I still feel like DH should DO something with the lawyer, a letter, or a court mediation or something like that to try to make her change something, but the lawyer said she didn't recommend it...