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BM brought it to the next level

SopranoKaty's picture

I'm so much less involved and in turn, less affected by all the insanity of the BM in our lives--largely thanks to all the great advice I've gotten here. BUT...

Things really took a turn for the crazy a few weeks ago. (for context we have legal 50/50 custody, alternating week schedule) DH got a call from the school, had to go in to a meeting with two social workers and the school nurse, who had been visited by BM (and SS11, who has been in full PA for the last 2 years) saying that at our house there is a abuse and neglect. This is of course all nonsense. The reality: SS11 has over 50 hours of absences from school on the weeks he is with BM, none with us. At her house, he sleeps in her bed, has violent tantrums, refuses to go to school, threatens his sister. At our house (and at school and in all of his activities), he is a perfectly behaved, happy, easy-going kid with no worries, and impresses everyone we meet. At her house, the kids (SS but also SD13) spend a lot of time alone--they even make dinner for themselves 3 nights a week and their homework never gets done. At our house, both have exemplary grades and a lot of help, we are always here. BM is also constantly encouraging SS to live with her and not at our house, and 2 weeks ago we got an email to this effect, from SS on her email address, saying that he "behaves badly with his mother because that's where he feels free", and that he has a "deep-seeded anger towards his father that he can't express when he's at our house", and "he's going to live with mom now"--of course, this is all verbatim regurgitated phrases from his mother, she's written us emails with exactly the same wording. I'll also add that the mother has no interest in taking full custody of my poor SD13, she mostly stays locked in her room calling us, scared, because it's been hours with BM and SS screaming without her having any idea what's going on. BM doesn't want her, only SS. 

We have a really sweet life with the kids and we have a lot of fun, the kids are affectionate, calm, and seem relaxed at our house always. SS, when he is a couple of days away from BM, adores his father to no end, they spend hours building legos together, playing soccer, etc. We have rules in our house, but just the kind of rules that I would assume are pretty standard in any household. We talk calmly with the kids when they are upset, we don't punish harshly, overall it's the most balanced household I've ever seen--certainly better than what I grew up in. BM's house doesn't have any rules, the kids are free and spend most of their freetime on screens, and SS seems to be the king of the house. BM has zero authority, and has never exercised or tried to have any. She believes that the kids should express themselves however they want and that they shouldn't be limited by rules. She also routinely tells SS that he has "psychological problems" and brings him to shamanic events and supernatural meditation to "help". She's also seen numerous psychologists (mostly of a esoteric/non clinical/non standard persuasion) with SS, without our consent, behind our backs, and asked SS to lie about it. BM is completely convinced herself --and SS-- that SS's problems are serious, psychological issues and have nothing to do with her parenting, and, concreteley, are OUR FAULT. I'll also mention that she really doesn't seem capable of having the kids for a full week at a time--she demanded we change schedule by threat of lawyers and judges earlier this year, these problems started getting much worse when we suddenly changed to weeks from our 2-2-5 rhythm in the middle of the school year.

Because of this accusation, now we have to have a social worker follow us for 5 weeks. Luckily the social workers, upon hearing our side of the story and also remarking on how SS11's story seemed to change from day to day, decided that probably something fishy was going on and extended the social worker follow-up to both houses. I have very mixed feelings, there is no way in hell I want a social worker in my house, but I hope that the social worker will notice all the incredibly problematic behavior at her house. 

DH went to a lawyer and she was pretty adamant that going to the court should still be a last resort, and to see how the soial worker visit goes--maybe there will be fodder for taking custody afterwards. Apparently none of these things are THAT proveable in court?! Seems crazy to me.

Any advice? Anyone had visits from social workers like this? Does this seem like a viable option? I still feel like DH should DO something with the lawyer, a letter, or a court mediation or something like that to try to make her change something, but the lawyer said she didn't recommend it...




Winterglow's picture

 he "behaves badly with his mother because that's where he feels free"

Yeah, because that makes sense ... DUH

Do you think that's her own brain she's using or is she breaking it in for an idiot?

Yesterdays's picture

I gasped when I read that part... Seriously some messed up things to say. She's delusional 

SopranoKaty's picture

hahahaha i feel bad for the person's brain she's breaking in...even an idiot should have more to work with *ROFL*

Yesterdays's picture

Your story really  resonated with me because it is strikingly similar to what happened in my own scenario with my step son who is now 17. Bio mom acted the same way. She had no rules and SS ruled the roost over there. They could do whatever they wanted. We started at 50/50. We tried to create a good balance at our house. We had normal house rules. Then bio mom started with the same crap. Saying they didn't like it here but were "too afraid" to discuss it with their dad. Then her telling him they just didn't want to come and she didn't advocate for spending time here.

Bio mom self diagnosed my SS with Borderline Personality and SS ate it up. SS would act out and blame their crappy behavior saying it was "due to having BPD and we wouldn't understand like mom does...". He started saying he didn't want to be away from "mummy".. It was so strange. 

I can say this... It is straight from the alienation handbook.. Straight up alienation. In our case by the time we saw a mobility lawyer the child was old enough that the consensus was that we would spend upwards of $50,000 to fight bio mom in court with all of the crazy things she'd done but in the end we'd likely lose because the child was old enough (13/14) to be able to decide that they'd prefer to live with their mom and a judge wouldnt force them away from the parent they want to live with.

In your case your step child is younger so court might be more of an an option. It's such a tough thing because if the kid wants to live with the mother than it makes it all that much harder. And like your lawyer said it's hard to prove in court. You may end up spending tens of thousands of dollars and a kid who doesn't want to live there. On the other hand you know that bio mom is not raising them properly over there. 

For now I would take your lawyers advice and wait for the social workers visits to be done. Thankfully... Being done at bio moms house also. Wonder what they will think of that. I don't think they'll be able to hide the dysfunction for that long over there.

Edited to add..the reason we saw a mobility lawyer was because bio mom moved to a different city from us without our permission to force full custody. The things she had the gall to do.. I just couldn't believe.... 

SopranoKaty's picture

Wow, I didn't realize that this was such widespread behavior! Thank you for the advice about the lawyer, I had the intuition that perhaps she was right... I hope after all the pain and money and insanity you've had to go through that you are able to find some peace with all of this. I have such a hard time doing that, and I'm always in awe of the folks on here who have such wisdom!

Yesterdays's picture

If you haven't already I would start documenting everything crazy that bio mom does, just make notes with dates for future reference.

ESMOD's picture

Unfortunately.. while it seems to defy logic.. but quite often.. it's not that the 'best" home is chosen.. that the one that can offer the most resources.. the priority is to have both parents in the child's life.. (often skewed to the mother).. so the best he may be able to hope for is that his home is deemed safe and that his custody continues.. not that they will necessarily "see" the dysfunction at mom's and take it from her.

advice.only2's picture

Nanny cams in your home going forward, also never be alone with either of the skids, this way they can’t ever make anything up about you.  We had CPS come visit us after a court hearing where Spawn admitted to certain things about her mother.  They came to our house and looked around and wanted to see when Spawn’s room was…other than that their only remark was how clean our house was.  It was intrusive and annoying, but in the end it just validated to the courts that we were a good stable home.

CastleJJ's picture

During our court battle with BM, the judge told BM essentially to mind her own business unless there were concerns of abuse and neglect in our home. Well BM didn't like being told to butt out so, cue the abuse and neglect allegations, right. 

Our BM also made similar claims that SS10 was only comfortable being his true self at her house, which was a stressed out, emotional, scared kid. She said that he acted that way out of trauma due to the visitation he "endures" with DH and I, but that he wasn't comfortable sharing those feelings here. Yet, at our house, SS is mostly well adjusted, happy, and calm. 

BM made allegations of physical abuse after that court hearing and after a visit. She claimed that DH beat the crap out of SS with a NERF gun and when SS told DH to stop, DH continued. BM tried to claim that SS then locked himself in his room to seek refuge from the abuse. BM tried to tell DH that in their house "No means No, and Stop means Stop" and that we need to learn that and respect SS' boundaries. BM never took these allegations to CPS, the police, or court. We consulted our attorney and wrote a response back, refuting all the allegations, and asking for a sit-down with both parties and SS to discuss lying and false allegations. BM refused because we know she made it all up and didn't want to get caught, but she said she didn't want SS to feel ganged up since she is his "safe space." In response, we had a sit down with SS alone (video recorded for proof) and talked through everything. He knew nothing about the allegations - had a total deer in headlights look. We told him that all NERF guns were going into storage until he felt safe with us. He said that was never an issue. We knew BM was just using the email allegations to build a paper trail for court. 

After that, we installed cameras. One in every main common area and one in the hallway above SS' bedroom door. Our attorney advised us to put one above SS' bedroom door to record who goes in and out of SS' room in case BM tried claiming sexual abuse in the night, since you can't put a camera in a bedroom. After BM found out that cameras were installed, there were no further allegations because she knew she would never have proof and that anything captured of SS actually enjoying his visits with us could hurt her case. 

SopranoKaty's picture

It's so horrifying to see how many people have been/are going through this same thing...I'm so sorry for you! Thank you for sharing your experience, I feel comforted at least that I'm not alone in it!


SopranoKaty's picture

It's so horrifying to see how many people have been/are going through this same thing...I'm so sorry for you! Thank you for sharing your experience, I feel comforted at least that I'm not alone in it!


justmakingthebest's picture

Your lawyer is probably saving you a lot of money on a fight she knows you won't win.

Alllegations like this just keep coming even if this one is cleared. Your SS wants the life of ease, no rules and no expectations. 

Your best bet is honestly to get cleared by CPS, then let SS go live with his mother. Take every other weekend visitation and call it a day. If SD wants to stay with you, let her- at least she will have a shot at having a decent life with you guys around. 

What is best for SS doesn't matter when it comes to courts and CPS. They will side with BM and your life will just be hell. 

I agree with the poster who said nanny cams are important from here on out. Keep them in all the shared living spaces. 

lala-land's picture

Madam, I have been in your position, only for 23 years and with  3 skids.  All I can say, is if BM continues parenting like this it doesn't end well.  Everything you mention in your post, I have experienced.  The current situation with the skids is as follows: SD32-single parent to a 2 year old, not working, living in a condo owned by us paying minimal rent, diagnosed bipolar; SS29, living with BM, not working for last 5 years, diagnosed borderline; SD28-in university for past 9 years, no degree yet, working as a waitress, most pleasant one of the bunch.  So congrats to BM, she successfully raised those children, just didn't manage to raise adults. Apparently adulting is just too hard for my skids.

oh, also I agree with other posters. Don't waste time or money on lawyers.  Unless there is provable abuse or neglect then children are generally not taken from their mother. And these BM's spend an inordinate amount of effort making them seem like mothers-of-the-year. Combined with PAS tactics, you would be fighting a losing battle.

floralsm's picture

Soo many similarities in your case vs mine. DH got told by a lawyer that it's last resort for court too. 
SS10 is the one that BM doesn't want though and SD is her golden child that she constantly threatens she will take full custody of. Empty air of course. 

It's all classic narcissistic behaviours and we have documented all her PAS with SD and manipulative tactics too. Just in case. Hopefully this social worker does see BMs house and see her home is the one at fault and not yours. Keep up your routine and document everything with Times, dates, ect. 

BM has told SS she thinks homework is too much pressure for the skids to do and doesn't believe in it. She of course will tell anyone in the public something completely different as she cares what people think of her and lies about her image and values.

She also tried to diagnose SS with autism to defend her parenting of him. When the school rang DH and said BM has taken him to a doctor and gave them Paperwork with the diagnosis, DH straight up told them it was crap and he threw that paperwork away. He backed it up and told the school he took SS to a well known recognised pead and confirmed that there was nothing wrong with him medically. SS problem is classic bad behaviour and since he's been in our care more it's stopped. BM of course hasn't responded to the school and they hear crickets from her now. 

It's not easy dealing with HCBMs like this so using nanny came and documenting will protect yourself from her false accusations. 


Rags's picture

is in court using a judge as your bludgeon.

Get her to court. Find a lawyer that will go for her throat and quit dancing with this idiot lawyer and this toxic BM.

Indecision is the foundation of chaos and your idiot attorney is profiting from inducing/guiding your indecision and chaos. Find a shark lawyer who will work for you and your Skids and bury BM.

File, get in front of a Judge with the Social Worker reports and get them on the stand. Take the attendance and school performance data and use it to disect BM and her crap.

There is no sure thing in court, but if you do not go for BM's throat, nothing will change.  Something needs to change. Use all of the legal, financial, social, and data tools at your disposal to end BM and protect  your SKids and your family.

I would.  DW and I did. Our son, my former SS-30 (he asked me to adopt him), put the shallow and polluted end of his gene pool far behind him and is living a life of character and quality.  We made their idiocy so expensive and painful that they have for the most part stayed under their slime covered rock at the muddy bottom of their shallow end of his gene pool.  We have always kept him abreast of the CO, the facts, the arrest records, etc.... in an age appropriate manner since he was in his late single digit ages through his teens. He started doing his own research into the lies and crap from his SpermClan that did not pass his smell test.

GIve your Skids the facts. They need them to protect themselves from BM as they progress through their teens and into and through adulthood. BM will never stop her crap. The Skids need 

Good luck.