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Feeling angry in calm moments between BM and DH...when will the other shoe drop?

SopranoKaty's picture

I've still got an incredibly difficult BM in my life, and now, in a very calm period, I find myself even madder and more frustrated than when we are in a full-on conflict, and I'm troubled by that. Has anyone else out there ever felt this way?

 

Some context: we've come a long way in the year since my last post, but the BM of my two stepkids hasn't. The whole year was filled with the same insanity, distrust, aggression, and constantly putting the kids in the middle of every conflict. According to the very good advice of my colleagues here on StepTalk, I kept my distance and my partner took a big step back, kept communication mostly in writing, and grey rocked her in any conflict. 

 

The problem I'm having is that this BM has serious ups and downs, and she is currently experiencing a major "up," which manifests in her being strangely nice, communicating constantly, and behaving generally in a way that should make me feel relieved and that things are moving in the right direction, but instead leaves me in complete dread and anger. I find myself feeling extremely angry that she could behave so insanely one moment, and then suddenly so normal. I feel scared because I know this won't last and I get annoyed that my partner suddenly will be more communicative with her too, and then subsequently more scared because I want this woman as far from our life as possible, not closer. I don't trust her at all. I want to intervene and give advice, I want to control the situation and I can't.

 

I know I need to put the kids first, and I know I need to let go and step even further away to protect myself, but I can't help but still feel so angry and now that anger is clearly starting to affect me and my happiness. Any advice is gratefully accepted. Thank you!

Comments

TrueNorth77's picture

So I haven't read all of the responses and advice you have received to previous posts, but I am in a very similar situation with an extremely crazy, High Conflict BM that sucks all life out of us (i.e. why we call her Crazy). I actually came on today to post about it because even with all of the things we have in place that SHOULD limit it, it has still been dominating our life. I don't know how to let it anger you less, but in the past, this is what has worked for me. 

We made all communication go through Our Family Wizard. DO THIS. It's a game-changer. No phone calls. No random texting. She is blocked by both of us. We then set up communication guidelines, which worked for about 2yrs, and most recently that's the part that has been failing. All communication must be professional, only about emergencies, medical appt's, or communication regarding school that hasn't already been communicated by the school to both parents. All exchanges are done at the school (skids go to school from our house, they go by her after school), to limit contact, except in summer or holidays. I don't go to exchanges and neither of us get out of the car. We have never had to get out of the car to see her, even when skids were younger. When she picks skids up, they go outside, we stay inside. We have no contact with her. I do not talk to her at all. For a while, DH wouldn't even tell me when she would communicate with him. THIS was the key- blissful ignorance. I used to feel like I wanted to know everything, until I got a taste of the peace that came with ignorance. I didn't care anymore because it was AMAZING. Recently though, Crazy thinks she doesn't have to follow the guidelines anymore and constantly sends messages criticizing our parenting and pretty much everything we do, and DH has been telling me about all of it. It's not sustainable and we are both stressed and it's taking over again. 

It sounds like her behavior seriously affects you, DH, and your mental health. Take back some of that control by restricting her ability to contact you. Do not put yourself face-to-face with her. You do have the ability to change some of it, and given how it's affeccted DH, I would hope he would be on board with that also. 

Hugs, I know how difficult this is, trust me. 

SopranoKaty's picture

Thank you so much for taking the time to write such a thoughtful response! I'm so sorry you are going through your own special hell, and I'm disappointed to hear that even after all you did to limit communication, you still have crazies coming at you. I think you are right about everything you said, especially the "blissfully ignorant" part. I think that somehow if im not involved in knowing all of the crazy shit that happens and telling him how crazy it is, somehow the DH might start thinking it's normal (which to be honest, sometimes he does). I am also probably too much of a control freak? I would love to try Family Wizard but my weird European DH is leery of it because he always thinks he can do things best and doesn't need help. It drives me nuts. When things are crazy, he is on board to take any extreme measure, but when things are calm, he equates the calm with his good management of the situation. My eyes hurt from rolling, haha. Anyway; thank you. I'm sending you hugs and support too. It helps so much just to know I'm not alone!

Ispofacto's picture

Just because she's been friendly recently, doesn't mean DH should be communicating with her more.

Follow TrueNorth's advice.

Stress causes a buildup of coritzol in your brain, and it will take some time for that to dissipate.  Eat well, take a bubble bath, get enough sleep, take melatonin if you need to, spend some time in nature, take a long walk, read a book, take care of yourself.

 

JRI's picture

I'm not a medical expert, but is BM bipolar?  If that's the case, maybe search online for the best way to deal with this?  Or better yet, follow all TrueNorth's advice to further distance yourself.  Good luck.

Shieldmaiden's picture

You are right to worry. I went through the same situation for 10 years with highly manipulative BM and 3 step daughters who were her pawns. I also have a bipolar stepdaughter that goes in cycles of manicness and depression. Its not fair to you to you to live in fear of her next outburst. Do what you can to disengage and protect yourself. Plan outings that don't hinge on her every outburst or whim. Stick to your schedule and don't break plans for her problems. 

floralsm's picture

I deal with a toxic BM and your DH needs to stop responding to her and just give her a thumbs up or a 'ok cheers' comment. That's it. Agree his communication doesn't need to be ramping up if she's appearing nicer or easier to deal with. If she steers away from the skids at all he just ignores her message. I know the feelings you go through and the best way to deal with this anger is for you not to see or talk to her at all. Your DH needs to be on board with this too. Toxic BM would LOVE to catch up with DH on her own for a chat, but he ignores her message altogether. She's been having conflict conversations with herself for years now. 

StrawberryPie's picture

Ugh, crazy high conflict BM are the worst part of steplife (at least for me).  I'm sorry you are going through this.  It totally sucks. The way we have dealt w the HCBM here has been:  retraining order, blocking her calls/texts, only communication through email, following the divorce decree to the letter, no schedule changes on our part. It's been better but she still is a HCBM and always will be. Honestly writing that kinda made me feel better foe some reason!