You are here

Please tell me what you would do?

Yaya's picture

My husband has a BM and I've never had any real issues with her. However I feel like women know when other women feel like they can take your man whenever they wanted to. That's the vibe  get from her. 

When my husband and I were engaged and she found out he got emotional and threatened to move away etc.i understand that, they were inappropriate five year relationship.  He tells me she constantly cheated but many people only tell me side so idk. I feel like I'm in too deep to ask her side without looking weird. Also we arent close. Anyway I happened to be on his phone and he received a text from her  clicked and read the messages and I saw them sending mushy text. Him saying he still loved her etc. When I confronted him he said that she was threatening to take the kids. I thought I understood but I'm realizing that, that situation is still affecting me three years later.  I'm scared to be fully submissive and myself with him because I dont want to show so much of myself for her to pull some strings. He's picked her over me twice when we were younger. He says he'd never go back but those text haunt me. Its affecting our "intimate time" and my trust wavers when ever they speak for too long. I love my step kids, I love our child we have together,  I love him but I'm not confident in him to be honest. Please help, ask further questions if needed. Be honest please and thank you.


Yaya's picture

I put my first response in a comment of it's own. If you're willing please read and let me know your thoughts.

Yaya's picture

That was my first reaction as well but I didnt want to feel like I gave up too early. I'm telling you he treats me like a queen. I'm usually an extremely confident, trusting, fun girlfriend.  But when it comes to her I cant put anything past him.

Kes's picture

In my opinion your man probably loves the attention he gets from two women fighting over him.  It will stem from something in his childhood, these things always do - most probably insecurity about his attractiveness or something similar etc. So he sets you and BM against each other and ensures that you never feel confident in his loyalty.  Personally I would find that intolerable.  If he can't reassure you of your unassailable position as his partner and his only love then I would ditch this relationship and find someone who can commit to you wholeheartedly.   Also, never try to have a dialogue with BM yourself.  She will have only bad intentions towards you, judging by the interactions so far between you all. 

Yaya's picture

one of his insecurities is his apperance. I will say though that we did get into it once when i questioned her parenting. Its like he can talk shit but i cant even question her parenting choices. Which is fine as long as i get the same treatment. Her and I havent had any altercations probably because when she was vying for it i had bigger fish to fry. he said that hes willing to do anything to keep us together.

DHsfamilyfromhell's picture

Some people are very good at pulling the wool over people’s eyes. 

Words such as I love you need to be backed up with behaviour (this is a lesson I have learned the hard way).

Sometimes it is better to walk away from persistent repeat offenders because they only want the easy way, and sometimes they don’t want to look at other ways of dealing with stuff because it involves effort. 

Yaya's picture

This is very true and before him i definately had no issue with that. I just want to make sure ive given this my all.

tog redux's picture

I'm not sure I could stay with a man who told his ex he still loved her, for any reason, while he was married to me.  The correct response to her threatening to take the kids away is, "I'll see you in court," not, "I still love you."

I'm a little confused about whether you just saw the texts recently, or three years ago?

Yaya's picture

i saw them about two and a half years ago. before we got married and i got pregnant. As im typing this i feel like i shouldnt have let this go over so easily.

lieutenant_dad's picture

BM in my situation very much gave off (and can give off) the same vibe. Her and DH had a very unhealthy relationship after they split where she'd "leave" her (now ex) husband and sleep with DH, and string DH along, and then use the kids as weapons. This was all years before me, but even when they stopped sleeping together, she had managed to wriggle her way into every little nook and cranny of his mind and wallet. There is a time when he would have gone back to her, mostly to get his kids back.

Then I came in the picture. Honestly, on paper, I should have run. An overbearing BM, a man who had trouble keeping a job and was living with his dad, no money, no plans for the future, etc. But, my DH met me and, by his own admission, he had something to fight for. He didn't feel like he was good enough, he knew what I wanted (because I had just come out of a bad marriage and made my wants and needs explicit), and he was determined to make it happen.

The man has gone from unemployed to making nearly six-figures. He has worked SO HARD on his communication style. He has (mostly) tried to put BM in her place. Even his friends make comments about how he has changed considerably for the better. It's not perfect, but my DH has worked very hard to be the husband we both need him to be.

Now, I get to watch BM squirm trying to wriggle her way back in. The finest example was the first Christmas I spent with DH and his family. BM always attended with the boys (that stopped several years ago), so I was the newby. I watched BM flirt and bat her eyes at DH - and I watched DH literally turn his head to the side and look at her like he had just seen an alien. No emotion. She was trying to win over something in him, and it wasn't working. And you could see she WAS NOT happy. Every time DH has done something with me that he didn't do with/for her, I can see her get mad at DH for it because it's less control.

Now, onto advice: you don't have a BM problem, you have a DH problem. BM is only a problem if your DH lets her be a problem, and he has let her be a problem for him. He either is placating her to quell her control issues, or he really does still love her and you've been used as a surrogate for what he can't have that he wants - and what he wants is his ex to be with him and LOYAL to him (which is funny because he hasn't given the same to you, himself).

You don't seem like you're willing to leave unless you've given it your all. I'm going to suggest personal therapy to help with your confidence independent of your marriage, and marriage counseling. Here's the thing, though: nothing stops you from seeing a therapist individually, but your DH can say no to marriage counseling. Having had my XH say no to marriage counseling, you need to know and accept that IF your DH says no, that's the end of your marriage. A lack of wanting to fix something that is broken enough to send you seeking help is enough to end your marriage. Maybe not end it that day - you'll likely need to build up your own confidence - but you definitely need to begin crafting an exit plan.

You don't need BM's side of the story. I've been with DH long enough, and watched him interact with BM long enough, that I have a pretty good understanding of what happened in their marriage. My guess is that you have a pretty good understanding, too, of what is likely true and not true. That's probably also killing your confidence and trust in your DH because, if I had to take a guess, you realize that he probably omitted his own shortcomings or flat-out lied. That's a rough conclusion to come to.

Ultimately, fear that he'll end your marriage isn't a good enough reason to not pursue this because it will end anyway if you don't do something. You just need to choose whether you want to try and save it - and yourself - or let is fizzle out while it burns you alive.

You say your husband is a good husband, perfect for you, whatever. I challenge you that he's not. A good husband doesn't make you think and feel this way. I stayed with my XH way too long because I thought that's just how marriages were. A marriage should make you a BETTER person. It shouldn't make you question your confidence and whether you're loved and whether your life is secure. Those are things your spouse should be horrified that you're questioning, and you should know that they'd be horrified, not fearful to even mention it because they'd just leave. Even if he is horrified when you ask, you not knowing how he'd react is a good indication that he's not showing you that he's a good husband.

Good luck and keep posting for help.

Yaya's picture

also ive been introducing personal therapy to him for myself because i feel that i want it but i will suggest marraige counseling.  He says he will do whatever i need him to to reassure me of my position in his life. Everything you said really made me realize quite a few things.

lieutenant_dad's picture

I'm glad he's willing to do things. The second part of this is him doing some of the legwork to find solutions himself, too.

Don't put yourself in the position where you're doing the grueling, difficult mental work to find solutions that you just serve up to him on a silver platter. Remember, he is an adult. He knows the issues. He is just as capable of doing his own research, and it can easily start with a Google search of "I've killed my wife's trust because of my ex-wife, what should I do?" He can also call up a therapist and get his own personal therapy going.

While you may be the one pointing out the problem, it's not 100% on you to fix. His actions have led to this, and he needs to do the work to find his way out.

During my first marriage, I begged time and again for things to change. I'd read and join groups and try to figure out how to be a better wife. Iq wasn't anywhere close to perfect, but I tried. My pleas for change fell deaf on my XH's ears until I left, then it was just empty promises of change and groveling. We had been separated for months before he agreed to go to therapy, and the final time we met up, he did something that showed me he was exactly the same and hadn't grown at all in my absence. It takes work to not be a crappy partner, and he put in about 5% of the work.

So, don't get trapped into thinking this is solely your issue to fix, and solely your issue to find solutions. He's an adult. He can search out his own solutions, too.

ldvilen's picture

Given this, “He's picked her over me twice when we were younger,” and those are the two times that you are aware of, no one can fault you for feeling like sloppy seconds in a 3-way marriage.

I actually think covert or not so covert huggy, kissy, touchy, feely issues among exes are more common than most care to admit.  What I don’t get is why people seem to think it is the new wife’s or SO’s responsibility to suck it up and take it.  It isn’t.  Any ex- who cannot AT LEAST care enough about their new partner to put those feelings for their ex- aside vs. act on them (getting “mushy” with their ex-, let’s say), is basically a self-serving a$$.  There is no justification.  None.  “It’s for the kids’ sake,” rarely is.  Usually when partners with children say that what they really mean is, “It’s easier for me, so you get to pay the price.”

This is why SMs need to hear over and over that you do not put up with any thing in a relationship with a man with children that you would not put up with a relationship with a man without children.  If some man without kids picked his ex-? over you at least twice (could be more that you don’t know of), how would you feel about that then? 

Most societies as a whole are very good at making SMs feel like they have to pay the price for someone else’s divorce or failed relationship with children.  No, they don’t; nor should they be expected to.  This is the year 2020 and not 1920 or 1820. 

Far too many divorced couples with children think they should get to have their cake and eat it too.  They think they can get divorced and even marry someone else, and yet remain ½ married to their ex-.  Doesn’t work that way.  A marriage is between two people and not three or more.  Now, if you have seen enough to know that your DH won’t change (and it sounds like you have), then you either settle for a 3-way or not.  Like Lt._dad said above, if he won’t go to counseling, that tells you something right there.

GoingWicked's picture

I would probably stay for my kid, but always have one foot out the door.  Separate accounts, saving as much as I could hopefully enough to be totally financially independent before eventual separation.