Update
For those of you that read and responded to my last blog, thank you! Now here is a quick update. SO and I did indeed go on our date and he missed SD's "last sockhop" for our date. Of course he got freaking text updates all night long *nea* I still have mixed feelings about it though because he felt the need to tell me this, "I just told SD that I had to help my cousin fix his car, I didn't want her feeling bad thinking I didn't want to go to her last sock hop" - UGH, I really don't think he will EVER get it at this point. I told him, well that is nice that you are more worried about upsetting her and not worried about how hiding our date makes me feel. Yep, totally #1...NOT!!! Anyways, we were having this discussion in the garage on a day that we had SD. I'm pretty sure she eavesdrops on our convos when we are in the garage. I told him how that pissed me off because it is still like he is hiding my importance from SD and he didn't owe her any explanation as to why he couldn't attend a sock hop when it wasn't even his weekend. He could have simply said, "sorry, I already have plans, can't make it" no need to justify it. I told him that BM doesn't seem to hide the fact that she goes out with her bf every SD free weekend! I also told him that him and BM need to put her back on kid level. The last weekend that SD stayed with us she tried to call BM and she didn't answer. BM called back later and afer SD hung up with her she said, "well mom had a VALID reason not to answer my call, she was at the movies with her friend" - I brought this up to him as well in trying show him that she feels like she is entitled to explainations any time someone doesn't jump the moment she wants to talk or whatever. BM didn't have to have any reason to not answer her call and didn't owe her an explanation. I'm just so sick of SD and her fee fees weilding so much power over these 2 dumb dumb parents!
I honestly hope that SD was eavesdropping that whole time and heard the actual truth. I know that she could hear us b/c she would ask a question through the wall and hear his answer when he replied. Can't even have a convo in the garage without her intruppting.
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Comments
Wow
What was the point of him telling you that. Does he think SD is so stupid she can't figure out that you guys went to dinner and a movie and also why does he feel the need put you second to SD?? My DH will blame things on me... like rather than tell SD that HE and/ or WE don't want her on our insurance, (which trust me we've discussed and we BOTH agree that is a huge NO!) he tells her that I said no. Like, get your nuts out of SD fanny pack and tell her the truth. You're not going to hurt her wittle fee fees.... you are PARENTING her. I think that's the problem, these idiots just want to be buddies with their kids instead of parenting them.
Fun fact. The mess that is BM
Fun fact. The mess that is BM. When MIL met BM's BM, she legit said "I'm her mom! But we're more like best friends." And that ladies and gentleman is what created the druggie narcisisst who's abusive and has only had kids as pawns...
He needs to parent. I'm grateful DH has figured it out finally, still has slip-ups. But if he was blaming everything on me I'd probably just have to prove how big of a beastie I really can be if I'm going to get all the blame anyways...
Barf! You are exactly right!
Barf! You are exactly right! Not parenting and putting kids on the same level as parents is a recipe for disaster.
I'm losing hope of SO ever figuring it out. Just when I make a little progress I get something like this conversation in return and realize he doesn't get it. I have decided that I will be the beastie since I'm being blamed no matter what anyways. That is why I made sure to talk in my regular voice and hoped SD heard it all since he is to big of a wuss. I didn't expect him to tell her he couldn't go b/c we were going on a date. I was fine with him just saying he couldn't go b/c he already had plans and not explaining anything b/c he didn't need to explain or justify his reason for not going. Oh but he didn't want her fee fees hurt so he lied to her. Maybe I'll slip up this weekend when we have her about how nice it was to actually have a date night last Friday night and how much I loved the movie. Make him uncomfortable for once.
Bahaha! Watch him squirm!
Bahaha! Watch him squirm! Good for you to sticking to it! I'm honestly pissed at your SO for not just telling her he had plans!
My DH fortunately has had some rather lovely (and unfortunately painful) wakeup calls as of late
That worked in our favor!
Yep, it is ridiculous! That
Yep, it is ridiculous! That is why I plan on accidentally slipping out something about our date night over the weekend. Maybe then he can realize why lying to her instead of just saying he had plans already was a bad idea. Plus my son (same age) knows we went on a date since I have him full time...he could easily say something about it in front of SD not even knowing that SO lied to SD that night. I'm not having my son lie to protect SD's fee fees.
My SO better have a major wake up call here soon b/c like I said in my last blog I am at the end of my rope and will end this relationship if he can't figure it out. I have nothing to lose but he sure does!
To be honest, as a parent, I
To be honest, as a parent, I would feel worse about lying to my kid, than I would just saying, I can't go because I already had plans.
I don't understand his need to lie??
He felt he had to give her an
He felt he had to give her an explanation as to why he was missing her "last dance" even though it wasn't his weekend to have her. He didn't want her fee fees to be hurt b/c he didn't want to go. I agree that lying about it was worse than saying he already had plans. Also I don't know why he feels like he has to tell her anymore than that. I guess telling her that helping his cousin fix his car is a more valid reason for missing the dance than going on a long overdue date with me!
That was the whole issue I
That was the whole issue I vented about on my last blog. Him acting as if he put me first while still putting me 2nd and hiding it from SD. I don't know why he told me that. Of course when I went off AGAIN about how he handled it poorly he went into the woe is me, I can't do anything right blah blah blah mode. I agreed with him that when it comes to her he can't seem to get it right. If he hadn't told me that I wouldn't have known he still can't find his balls! SO does that a lot with just ask Simpleton which pisses me off I usually try to put it back on him. He doesn't ever want to man up with his fragile little SD! He even told me he didn't want to go to the stupid dance! Yep, that is totally the problem, can't parent her because that would upset her.
Troublesome
It seems troublesome that your DH feels he needs to lie to important people in his life. DH's avoidant, hiding behavior and his flat-out lying to someone he loves would bother me. He lied to his DD about why he was missing her dance. Just feels a bit like a creepy guy who is comfortable with deceit.
'Course, I was married to one of those, so maybe I'm looking at this weirdly.
Indigo, I agree with this
Indigo, I agree with this statement, it mainly bothered me b/c he felt like he had to lie to not hurt her fee fees and not let her know that I was more important than her last dance but didn't care how that would make me feel. The being comfortable with deceit part is def troublesome as well. I didn't even really think about that part of it until you said that. Now I have even more to think about....
I don't shy away from making
I don't shy away from making it clear that the kids come after us.
In the sense that when SS says something like "My dad and me are going to the store!", I'll say.... haha no kiddo... your dad and I are going to the store, and if you behave, we might let you come with us.
He makes the statements as if I'm the tag along... no buddy... YOU'RE the tag along. And if DH shies away from being clear with SS about plans, I just say them if he asks. If DH asks me why I blabbed... sorry, honey, didn't realize you were lying about our plans.
I like your approach. I'm
I like your approach. I'm going to start doing this. I don't shy away from it with my boys in any way and that is why it irritates me that he treats her different.
Ugh, the lies these weak men
Ugh, the lies these weak men tell infuriate me. How can you raise a kid to be a good citizen when you model such poor conduct?
One of the biggest changes Ive made on my disengagement journey was informing DH that I wasn't covering for him anymore. Specifically, I wasn't backing up the white lies he would tell his family members to avoid conflict and cover for his depression. I wanted a better, healthier life that included being truthful and acknowledging issues rather than hiding them. DH's values generally align with mine - except where is family and kids are concerned.
His family is big on rugsweeping, enabling, and pretending problems don't exist. That doesn't work for me, and I see it as actually harmful. Since I took myself out of the equation several years ago, DH has had to handle his relatives. Not my monkeys...
Exjuliemccoy, I'm still
Exjuliemccoy, I'm still working on perfecting my disengagment journey and how I handle SD and SO. I am not going to cover his little white lies either. I think it is pathetic that he is so afraid to hurt little precious SD's fee fees while not thinking about how I feel. SD won't be a good citizen or productive adult with the way her mommy and daddy pussy foot around her and coddle her. I'll just continue my stepmonster role and be the mean parent. Oh well! LOL