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I opened the card and let him know the plan

Redredwine's picture

See this blog where I ask if I should open a card that is mostly likely a bunch of nice words with no meat from DH for the financial situation:

This is the summary of what happened:

DH contacted me that he was almost back in town via text, so responded that he should meet me at X time at the bank. He didn't respond. (I asked him when he left to let me know when he was back so we could go to the bank to fix things.) I'm at the end of my patience and I got no rope left so I went to go get him, 'cause this was happening today.

When I got home I told him we needed to get going, that I had texted him back, and we needed to get there before the bank closed. He asked why so I told him. Calmly, matter-of-factly. Kept him on topic when he tried to go into feely-non-financial areas. Also asked him to name one thing, anything, for which we've shelled out thousands and thousands of dollars for my BS/ExH. (there's been zero)

He also made a comment about how I hadn't talked to him for two days. I told him that was for his protection as I was that mad. But I was calm now. (Deadly calm.)

He asked if I had a plan and I laid it out. He was not happy. I asked if he wanted me to read the card. Yes. I read the card. It was about wanting to try to do better and knowing he's not pulling his weight. Same stuff, different situation. I told him he always says the right things but there's never any action and he should literally be putting his money where his mouth is right now.

I didn't budge on things and got him out the door. We made it and the accounts I needed in just my name are in just my name. I thanked him after we left the bank.

We will discuss the plan in detail tomorrow when the skid is gone. Will I adjust anything? We will see. Right now the magic red wine ball is saying "all signs point to no."

I cannot change him and he can keep trying all he wants. I'll believe it when I see it.
I can change me and what I do, so that's what I'm doing.

What if he had fought it? I would have gotten a lawyer involved. Not for divorce but to force the account resolution.
Oh, and I did tell him this is not my first step out the door, this is me trying to make this come back into balance.


ltman's picture

Financial infidelity is much harder to fix than sexual. Good luck in moving him in the right direction.

Redredwine's picture

Really? At least financially there's a middle-man making sure you put your deposits in the right account. Wink

kathc's picture


ltman's picture

We forgive the financial much easier than we would a sexual infidelity and therefore it goes on longer and has longer lasting repercussions.

kathc's picture

I'm glad it went well. I've never believed in joint accounts because ive heard too many horror stories of it going bad. I hope you're able to fix things now that you've taken care of the accounts.

Redredwine's picture

Had to drop DH off at the house and go to work. Back now and he's not acting weird or hurt so I think having a little time to himself to think afterwards may have helped...or he's gearing up for tomorrow when we have no kids around. We will see but there's no pouting which is a good sign.

Redredwine's picture

I'd been putting a certain amount into the joint account every month to cover my part of the household expenses. That is going down to a mere fraction of what it was with the remainder going into my savings account until the total amount spent on his skid and divorce items is recouped. The way I have it laid out it will take two years. Tomorrow when we talk more if he wants it to resolve faster I can contribute nothing and it cuts off a few months. He can also give me any bonuses or other extra monies if he feels the urge. Anything I save beyond the monthly payment amount does not count toward the balancing payments. i can and will control my contribution to recover the other "contributions."

Redredwine's picture

I set it up that way because
-I am not an bitch and I can be patient about it
-it's not such a burden
-he's a smart man who can go from financially helpless to financially savvy
-I'm not planning on leaving
-I already set up other things so this will be easier on both of us
-on the chance that it all goes to hell, I know I can get the rest of it

Redredwine's picture


We didn't get as deeply into the finances yet (I talked him through it but haven't pulled out the spreadsheet) but we did have the discussion about WHY we are where we are/why I am at where I am at. He understands that I set things up for right now so he can make it just fine while things get repaid.

He did try to wander into helpless/poor me land. I kept bringing him back to "look at it from where I stand" and he did admit it looks like I'm STILL at least fourth or fifth in the order of who to consider and coordinate with...with work, BM, and the skids being ahead of me.

He also understands that part of us getting back on even footing is for things to be even. As of right now all the major expenses and issues have been because of his divorce, none for my divorce, and none for us together. I was willing to do things for "us" believing that it would come back around. It's never come back around yet so I'm making it.

We are okay. He's going to go along with things, and I'm sure he'll get upset in a while when something happens and he wants to use "our" money. I will be writing up "the plan" formally and have both of us sign it. Then put it in the safe deposit box. Finances are going to be much more businesslike from now on.