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Do I open the card or not?

Redredwine's picture

So with the financial stuff and a heated "discussion" (I was hot under the collar and did the discussing) with DH. I did some calculations and looked up a few things to figure out how to make this right for me. (See previous blogs where DH makes a decent salary but really can't afford all the latest expenses and it has all been paid because I'm here with my paycheck.)

I have not sat DH down with the fix I worked out. I have barely talked to him the last two days because I don't trust myself not to go off on him. I'm that upset and needed time to think things through and make a plan. (also discovered last night he moved even more money out of savings to cover crap)

He took the last day and a half off. (Becasue it's a skid week and one skid doesn't have a camp to go to so of course he takes he informed me a few nights ago he asked his parents to come visit and was hoping they'd be able to come this weekend. No asking if it worked. Just telling me. I like my in laws but I always ask DH about events ahead of time. So there's that lack of consideration to add in there, like he always does when it's his family.) He cleaned the whole house and there is a card sitting on my nightstand. Been there since I got home yesterday. He does cards a lot to apologize.

Here's the problem. I think he believes that cleaning and the card will make up for using me as supplemental skid funding for the last three years. Unless there's a check in it for a huge amount of money I think it will just piss me off to open it. I'm sure it's sappy and apologetic and he feels bad. Trouble is the card is just his way to make himself feel better is my guess.

I need to go to work today and do a few things. He's off getting a skid from an away camp. I did speak to him to ask him to let me know when he gets back as we need to go to the bank. He asked why. I held back and just said to start fixing things.

Do I open the card?


BarkAtTheMoon's picture

I wouldn't open it until you've calmed down more. What are the chances there's a check in there if he doesn't have the funds anyway? Your DH is like mine. They keep doing stupid shit and then try to calm us down and make themselves feel better by being sweet on us. We aren't stupid, every time it gets worse, right? Esp with finances, I'd be pissed! And the lack of respect to ASK you if he can have company over? DH knows I don't want anyone in my house without fair warning. This drove SD19 nuts a few years ago because I never wanted her BoyF over. Yeah, she yelled at me about that one, too. It's a wonder I wasn't sent to my room by her. LOL

Maybe you're at the point that I'm at with crappy things happening? The only way to fix it is to go in all guns blazing, whether it will hurt DH or not. For me, it's going to an attorney and then telling DH I want to move out. For you, you've figured out a budget of sorts, I take it? Get a side account like me, and let him see there's no money for extras. If most of the savings you guys have is yours, move a lot of it and let him be pissed. Us SMs are always pissed and I know I have always made things easier for DH, I didn't want to risk a blow-up, I made excuses and didn't say anything for a long time. Now that I'm speaking up, things have really changed for me. It may not be easy, but it will definitely bring about some CHANGES.

Sounds like you and me both are due for some changes. Calm down first, give him your "fix," and then read the card. Take a few more days.

~ Moon

Redredwine's picture

Here's the problem with where I'm at. I'm calm. I'm deadly calm. I will be able to say things without tone and to the point. It's not good when I get quiet and calm. Upset and loud is usually my starting point so I have to be really pushed too far to move into calm and quiet. No one f$@?s with me when I'm at this point as I will not take it. I hope he remembers that I never threaten. If I say something it means I can and will follow through.

I do want to work things out and it will be a businesslike. We will see how DH takes it and if he mans up and can apologize and work with the plan instead of hiding behind small acts and cards. (He should also know better by now since I've said it to him directly that someone else cleaning the house isn't a huge thing for me as I like to clean.)

just.his.wife's picture


He needs to man up and offer you a verbal apology and come to you with plans to FIX what he has broken.

kathc's picture

I'd read it just to gauge where he is right now so you are better prepared to deal with him. Gathering intelligence, you might call it.