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I stopped giving a sh*t and how it saved my marriage...

princessmofo's picture

Hello, StepTalkers. It's been quite awhile I know. I've been casually lurking still but not much to vent or post about. Why? I stopped giving a flying f*ck about a lot of things. Namely: twat waffle BM, Quitty McQuitterson SS, and DH. I literally mastered disengaging. You see, I found something else to occupy my time and emotions... ME!

I had an emotional affair with myself and it was awesome. I started making myself and my bios the priority. I developed some new friendships with people who encouraged my self-worth, rather than dh who had me trained to constantly second guess myself. I distanced myself from my rather toxic family as well. I stopped running to my mother and sister with every disagreement dh and I had. I kept my business on a need to know basis.

I tuned out everything. Twat waffle became background noise. I stopped asking questions about ss and schedules, transportation, sports, school programs. I drew an invisible line in the sand and refused to cross it. I let, no allow me to rephrase that... I forced dh to handle everything on his own. When he would start to complain to me about Hitler's mistress bm, I would zone out. Not my monkey, not my circus became my mantra.

Co-habitation replaced a once affectionate marriage. Cordiality replaced sincerity. Indifference replaced love. I stopped allowing dh's situation to control me and my emotions.

I started working out again. I joined a book club. I fired my terrible male gynecologist who would not even entertain the notion that a 40 year old woman could be menopausal. I found a female doctor, who not only listened to me but insisted on testing and guess what? I had a hormonal imbalance due to early menopause. Started on hormone replacement and my weight dropped, the wretched adult acne disappeared and I started to feel like a did 10 years ago.

I stopped feeling guilty for having feelings about my role in this step situation with dh. I embraced my feelings, and accepted that I was entitled to them. I had pulled away from dh emotionally so far that he actually believed I was having an affair. It was a wake up call for him. The night he approached me, tears running down his face, and asked me if I was "having an affair" my reply was curt. "Yes, dh. I am having an affair... with myself."

A very dear friend and coworker, who is in a blended situation with a toxic bm and skids, recently got married. She's where I was three years ago in regards to the resentment and hostility. The day they got married (eloped) I was one of few people that knew. I texted her and said if she changed her mind, I would pick her up, no questions asked and no judgment. Step-life isn't for the weak and I wish I had had a friend who had experienced even a modicum of the lunacy involved in this situation.


Adinah's picture

What a great read! Good for you for making yourself first. I'm going to be borrowing "not my monkey, not my circus" Smile

whoaminow's picture

Thank you. I needed to see this today. I'm having a hard time with things and I can so relate to how you feel. I hope that I can get to the point that you are now.

princessmofo's picture

It's not been easy to get here. I'm really surprised dh and I are still married. But I had to make a decision about what I wanted my life to be like. I really had to reprioritize.

whoaminow's picture

He just makes me feel like all my feelings of resentment and bitterness is my problem and that he played no role in any of it. It's like I am the one with emotional issues and there is nothing wrong with his relationship with his daughter or me. This is my third marriage, I know I'm not perfect. I have tried so hard to see my faults and work on them but i'm not to blame for everything. We have never fought about anything but her, nothing, she is the only thing we ever disagree on.

princessmofo's picture

To quote 'The Shawshank Redemption', "You've got to get busy living or get busy dying." Honestly, that is what step-life felt like to me for a long time. Time to make your happiness a priority and to hell with what your dh thinks.

Tuff Noogies's picture

princess, you state that this has saved your marriage. so, after admitting you were having an affair with yourself, has your relationship improved? how so? or are you still just roommates?

princessmofo's picture

Tuff, it has improved. Distancing myself from dh and his constant drama was the biggest thing. But we all know it's easier said than done. I had to compartmentalize and let go of a lot of things. It was almost as if dh fed off the drama that twat waffle could create between us. So I stopped feeding the monster.

And finding outlets for myself physically and emotionally was helpful. That was a huge problem for dh. He was resentful that I seemed to be making myself a priority and not him. We are communicating better but only because I insisted on it. Dh has a nasty habit of talking at you rather than to you. So each time he'd start, I'd simply get up and walk away from him.

A few weeks before Thanksgiving things came to a head when he heard me on the phone with my attorney asking for an appointment to discuss filing for divorce. That's what had him thinking I was having an affair. He seemed to think it was another man that was coming between us, rather than looking at himself and all his actions that lead up to this. That helped a lot.

As far as the intimacy, we are working on that. We have a long road ahead of us but I'm not some emotional dumping ground for dh's bullshit nor am I doormat who isn't entitled to some pleasure and identity of my own. So I guess like all things this is a "wait and see" approach. It has helped but dh has been known to fall back into his old patterns easily when he gets too comfortable.