Do you feel like your spouse lose's interest in skid because of bm?
Lose interest may be the wrong word... Dh seems to have given up when it comes to Ss. He of course exercises his visitation every weekend and when Ss is with us he does father/son things with him and what not but when it comes to asking bm for more time or discussing holidays it seems like lately Dh doesn't want to deal with it. This past weekend I asked him if he was going to push for Easter since Bm had Ss last year and he was like "no, it's not even worth it because she's just going to be a bitch and argue with me and threaten to call the cops on Easter if Ss isn't taken home early and I don't want stress about it, esp since it's Dd's first Easter." I tried to object and tell him that wasn't right and he should at least try and he shut me down and said he didn't want to talk about it. I'm just curious if the Bm has become such an asshole to deal with if eventually your Dh's start to shut down... It just seems like if there is more need for interaction with Bm he doesn't want to deal with it because she's so difficult.
I must add I'm not looking to be flamed for this or asking that anyone start calling my Dh a dick etc. I'm just curious if any of you have seen this behavior in you significant other.
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Oh wow, I don't know if I
Oh wow, I don't know if I could handle that either, I don't blame you for disengaging.
That would be SO nice if there could be a happy medium. I wish that she were adult enough to co parent with him because it would be so much better for SS.
Yeah, it really stinks to have someone just ruin the mood. I got a little resentful because here in NM we have the balloon fiesta, and the first year Dh and I were together we went w/ ss and she was there and found out and she started blowing up Dh's phone (he shouldn't have andswered but back then he didn't have any boundaries) and she started threatening she was going "kick" my ass in front of her son and all this nonsense and demanded that Dh let her take Ss to walk around. It was insane, I sometimes wonder why I stayed. She ended up taking Ss by the hand and was weaving thru the crowd and Dh was trying to keep up with her and we eventually got lost from eachother and our phones died so essentially our first real outing was ruined. well I recently seen on instagram (I was creeping lol) that she her new boyfriend went to the balloon fiesta and were all happy. it pissed me off because it sucks that our first trip to the event was ruined because she was single and jealous but her first time with her bf wasn't.
My DH doesn't do this to the
My DH doesn't do this to the extreme, but I think he has just learned to pick his battles and that getting what he wants comes with an ass-ache of drama so he decides if it's worth it. If it's something important he will put his foot down.
That makes sense. Nothing
That makes sense. Nothing like steplife has taught me when to pick my battles. I've yet to see if this is the case with Dh and if he'll put his foot down but I have my doubts.
I could see this but not
I could see this but not because Ss doesn't believe in Santa/Easter but because Ss has turned into a jerk when it comes to Holidays and I know Dh is bothered by it. Just this weekend Ss was telling us, yes, TELLING us we need to buy him a basket-not asking. Dh of course corrected him but he gets aggrivated that Ss is so entitled. This past xmas really opened his eyes when Dh told Ss he had gifts at our house for him and he retorted with "well I had more at my mommys"
Absolutely yes. I don't
Absolutely yes. I don't exactly know why DH has quit trying to get the Skids but he has commented that he feels like a sperm donor and that he regrets the BM he choose for his kids. I recently heard of some of the things she has said and done, it blows my mind that anyone could be so cruel and I have not seen that behavior in the BM.
I personally don't believe that DH lost interest in his kids but he has lost interest of feeling needed and wanted in their lives.
I find it so sad that our men
I find it so sad that our men end up feeling this way because their ex just cannot get over it. I know Bm doesn't want Dh back but she sees him as her property because of Ss and it pisses her off that she cannot control him anymore.
I'm having a hard time
I'm having a hard time understanding why a woman would want a man who couldn't see past BM to love their kids. I'm not a SM. Can anyone explain? Wild horses could not make me stop loving my kids.
I'm curious, if you're not a
I'm curious, if you're not a SM, why are you here?
I don't remember saying in my post that husband has stopped loving his son...
Sorry,never mind! Damn
Sorry,never mind! Damn lol
Edited to add: replace my "love" with your "emotionally shut down" . I didn't mean any harm though so forget it. I am a SD looking to understand the steps dynamics for my own family. Has anyone here read the intro to this forum? Don't answer-
Exhausting is exactly the
Exhausting is exactly the word to describe it. Wouldn't it be nice if these girls (not women) could be mature enough to deal with. It's frustrating. I just don't know if I should keep encouraging Dh though. I feel like I should but at the same time it causes stress in our relationship...
ain't the damn truth? lol
ain't the damn truth? lol
no it's GLITTERS fault!!!
no it's GLITTERS fault!!!
}:)
seriously tho'- yup, damned if u do, damned if u dont. invariably it'll be a lose-lose. so u just do the absolute best to support your dh, and keep yourself healthy.
Sounds like Bm. Lately she's
Sounds like Bm. Lately she's been trying to rub in Dh's face that her bf is always there for Ss, I think it pisses her off though when Dh tells her "good! he's going to be his SD."
That's what it is! dh seems like he's emotionally stepping back. He says he loves his son dearly but Bm refuses to coparent and it's causing too much stress for him, he said his blood pressure cannot handle it anymore.
When BM had a BF she would
When BM had a BF she would always tell SO that her BF is better at being a Dad than SO was. I think most of the BMs say this just to piss off their ex's in an argument. They ended up getting into a fist fight and breaking up...yeah I'm sure he was a much better "dad" especially since he thought it was ok to hit a woman. Good job MOTY for putting your toddler in that situation. Here's your sign
Yes... my skids are older
Yes... my skids are older though and I think that has some to do with it. Plus we live in different cities, neighboring cities but it still makes a difference. The skids aren't involved in ANYTHING in school so its not like DH can support them in something.
BM used to be REALLY high conflict when her and DH were married and during their seperations (there were many). My DH tends to avoid confrontation and drama. He just shuts down and cant deal. So I think over time this has caused a weakness in his relationship with his kids. Not that BM is to blame 100% because of this though.
My DH had to do that when BM
My DH had to do that when BM had primary physical custody. Not because he wanted to, but because BM just wouldn't budge. But there was less dispute and things were less tense between him and BM.
It is sad. I think many people struggle with how to move on while keeping the ex in the picture for the kids, kwim? Many also seem to struggle with the question of how do you move on if you have to continue to deal with this person. It just seems like there has to be a way to move on romantically from someone but still deal with them like an adult for your kids. Many people, for whatever reason, don't try to find that middle ground.
I agree with you there that
I agree with you there that many people do not try or cannot attempt to find that middle ground. Dh and I were talking about this just this weekend. He says he doesn't get it because Bm is the one who cheated on him and so he doesn't understand why she cannot get over the fact that he moved on. It's like she wanted him single just in case he might take her back after her affair. She of course dated many many men but the minute I came on the scene she flipped her wig.
I can definitely agree with
I can definitely agree with you there. I hadn't really thought of this before but that may be what's going on. Now that Dh doesn't let Bm get to him the less problems we have. He used to really duke it out with her (not physically but ya know) and he would be so so riled up that it would ruin whatever we were doing because she would piss him off so bad.
I think I've noticed this change more so since our daughter was born. He of course was gradually pulling back before that but it seems that since Dd was born his attitude has changed drastically. I had posted a while back on what to do for xmas if there is an exchange and how to not let it affect Dd's time. I got a few responses and still wasn't sure what to do and when I brought up the issue of what were going to do (bm won't let Dh get Ss xmas eve and then she'll ignore his calls until noonish and then will finally tell dh he can get Ss but when we get there she'll make us wait for like it seems like 30 to 45 minutes to finish whatever so it just turns into crap and ruins our holiday) and he was like "this is our first xmas as parents together and I'm not going to let this get ruined by Bm so I'll get Ss on friday like usual and we'll have xmas then" there was no discussion about it after that.
My DH quit enforcing
My DH quit enforcing visitation when the skids got older. BM always had reasons to deny the court ordered time. After we took two pages full of missed visitation in to court, BM got a slap on the wrist and told not to do it again (she had to pay DH a small fine) but DH never got ordered make-up time, nor was there any future repercussions mentioned.
She followed the CO to the T for about 2-3 months and then slowly went back to the same thing. The skids were in their mid teens by then and he just lost the will to fight anymore.