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What's Fair

morrginme's picture

When I have a problem I see many sides to the feelings of the people involved. Maybe it's because I'm female, maybe I'm too sensitive, maybe I fit with the "Empath" label, maybe I think too much, or maybe a combination of all. I have this habit of agonizing over all the possible consequences my decisions will make on the emotions of others. As I write this I'm also realizing that these characteristics of mine put me in a prime position to be manipulated.I think this is where boundaries and assertiveness are supposed to be.  Hmmm....I might have finally made some progress in self improvement.

The issue I have that prompted my brief assessment of how I handle conflict is about a "desk". (Sounds so trivial when I say it that way.) My DD8 is homeschooled and we lack a study area which is causing a huge impact on her progress. Books are spread out, her laptop is on the floor, pencils, are on the dining room cabinet, etc. So over this Christmas break I'm creating a study area in a corner of the family room. My plan is to get her excited about learning again and have the organization to be productive so she can get caught up and continue to be on task. 

There's a desk I've been saving for when she gets her own bedroom along with other bedroom furniture and decor I've been gathering over time that match. It's not much. I just have the desk (nice white finished wood and was at one time a vanity but lacks mirror), lamp with lampshade, vertical 3 picture frame, and a little white book shelf. Needing a desk and wanting to get DD8 excited about her study area I asked my DH to get me the desk out of the outbuilding. He had to clear a path to get to it and all sorts of things had been piled on top of it. He said he had no idea I even had it. He had to of known though but just forgot. Well he got it inside with the help of SS21 and DD8 had forgotten I had it as well but was very excited to see it and use it. We cleaned it inside and out. DD was really motivated to get the area set up and start using it.

Later DH drops this on me...

SD15 going to be SD16 in two days has been looking for a vanity just like this one. She even had DH looking for one on Craigslist. They had found one for free in a town that would be a bit of drive to get to but it was free. He said later the ad had been removed as they couldn't find it again.

This is something I think she just wanted. When I had him go get the desk/vanity and he saw it I think it's his own thinking that tied it to being a birthday present just because she had recently been wanting one. He's putting emphasis on this being a "sweet sixteen" birthday and her present must be something big and important. I don't think it was ever planned for her to get a vanity for her birthday, but I could be wrong.

Wish I or we had the money to just go out and buy one but we don't. If it was so important why didn't I know about it? I mean I like to shop, I'm resourceful, I'm female, I use to be a teenager girl, I remember wanting a vanity very badly, and I remember finally getting one when my sister no longer wanted hers. Maybe I'm making a bigger deal of it than it is. Last night I got to bed late because I was trying to figure out a way to change the study area, be ok with with somehow letting of the desk/vanity that made myself and DD alright with the loss, and think of something or find something cheap that would be just as good. As I got into bed slightly late DH asked me what took me so long. I told him I was trying to figure out the study without the desk and thought I had found a solution. He got all mad and said "Just..use the desk for yourself"! Then he kept to his side of the bed the rest of the night. 

This morning I decided I'm not going to give up that vanity/desk. I went through the work of acquiring it, holding onto it, and keeping it part of the small collection I have of bedroom furniture for DD. I know being a parent is about being willing to sacrifice but often times I feel like DD and myself sacrifice too much for SD and I'm drawing the line on this.

I looked in the outbuildings this morning and found 5 other desks that could easily be used or converted into a vanity. We even have a few excellent quality mirrors to go with one of them. I'm not going to worry about a chair. DH is at work but I sent him texts on what I found of what we already have, screenshots of decent quality with good prices of ones I found online, and ideas of what we can do to pay for it. 

So now I'm going to go. I'm going to go move that desk/vanity into the study area.



Simpleton21's picture

I'm so glad you decided to keep the desk that you had for your daughter and not play into that manipulation by your DH and SD.  Imagine that....SD wanted exactly what you had been planning to give your daughter but for her sweet 16 bday.  Shocking and of course somehow it is more special for SD.  *bad*  Too effing bad!!!!!  

SteppedOut's picture


And OP, I felt the same way about sacrificing. I get it, not everyone can get what they want - but it was ALWAYS myself or my babyBS that had to sacrifice - sometimes sacrifice NEEDS for WANTS even. Nope. Not anymore for me. I am glad you kept the desk for DD. 

Amazing indeed that sd wanted what was to be your dd's. 

advice.only2's picture

I would have told my DH, your douche is showing, go wipe that off before you get it all over the sheets, good night!

ESMOD's picture

What would be fair is if her father procurred her a vanity..right?  I mean.. unless one of these other desks might be suitable for a study area for your daughter.. I wouldn't be letting him usurp what you had for your own daughter.  And by suitable.. I mean.. as "nice".. and maybe more suited to being a desk than a former vanity.

NoWireCoatHangarsEVER's picture here is mine. I got the desk from target for $20. I got the mirror from good will. I got the light kit from the very dice app using my points. I got some tulle from Walmart and Velcro and made the skirt . I got the seat from the curb in my neighbor and not pictured but I later got a piece of glass from the curb in the neighborhood that fits on the top . I got the  shelves from 5 and below. Let him do what I did if he wants a vanity so bad. What a jerk! Don't give your desk to SD! She is unworthy !