I was watching a Ted Talk this morning on the Secrets of Hostage Negotiators by Scott Tellema. It was discussing methods to use when you need to influence someone's decisions when their emotions are running high. Basically how to be a better listener.

One of the examples the speaker gave got me thinking. A negotiator was having trouble keeping the focus of suicidal man on him. When another negotiator showed up the two came up with a new plan. The newly arrived negotiator got as close he could to the suicidal man and demanded for him in a very loud commanding voice to put the knives down and get off the roof. This upset the man greatly, but it also made him put his focus back on the first negotiator and look to him for help. 

Maybe it's a far reach but this example gave me insight into something I've been perplexed with for years, but now I think I see that SD and DH use conflict with me to bring themselves together.

The times that I've had the more intense conflicts with SD her dad has responded in two different ways. The worst is when he turns and yells at me or gets angry with me. The other and most common way is when he has a talk with her about the conflict. Regardless, I see the same behavior from them afterward. SD is happier than usual and acts more carefree.They are kinder to each other. They are more talkative and considerate towards each other. It's almost like they joined an exclusive club together where everyone else is considered an outsider. The club has secrets and shared jokes that you would only understand if you were a member. 

Don't get me wrong, I encourage DH to improve his relationship with SD. I encourage him to not always have me along on outings. I want him and SD to go alone so they can spend some time together. I know that the time they have together without the rest of the family not only helps their relationship they have with each other but it should also help her to feel more secure. All of this should trickle down and reduce conflict within the family. 

A closer relationship with a family member shouldn't come at the expense of another. Improving your bond with a person shouldn't require another person to experience pain and confusion. The conflict SD has with me when I'm holding her accountable, correctly asserting myself as someone in a position of authority, or merely disagree with her is rarely if ever confronted. Instead DH soothes her hurt feelings over the matter, they both see me as the problem, and then they ban together to support each other against the threat. She gets off the hook, she gets special attention from her dad, and he gets to be treated with adoration.

I don't know what they say to each other when he has his talk with her about the conflict she has with me so maybe I'm making assumptions. I just really feel like the end result shouldn't look like this. When a person has been caught doing something wrong or are being held accountable to bad behavior the reaction is not usually an elevated state of happiness. The natural response is usually quiet self reflection, sometimes sadness, and then moving on feeling humbled. 

The thing that tops it off for me is barely after this conflict has had a chance to settle down, I'm not permitted to be upset with the results. SD and DH reinforce that any negative feelings I have about the situation or towards her are unacceptable. SD notices I'm not very talkative with her if talking at all and she runs to tell DH that I'm being mean to her which he has in the past confronted me for her with a fury.  When that happens I feel scared and confused. Or she does something like makes up some reason to go to the store and her dad comes and asks me to take her like I'd be doing him a favor. I feel like they are they are trying to take away my right to be angry.  It's like I'm being made to accept that this dysfunction is alright and what I feel and experience is wrong and I should get over it quickly because my feelings are unimportant to the point of not even acknowledging that they exist.

I think it's either time for counseling or time for me to leave.

Thanks for listening.