BF wants to be DH
Mr. Kate has been throwing the m-word around for a while, and this morning he says he wants a date.
I've been 'testing the waters' by telling him that I'll give him a date when he gives me a ring. My reasoning behind this is that I want to see that he's able to a) save the funds necessary to buy a ring and b) spend that money on ME. I know it sounds selfish, but with the custody case leaving him leaning on me for money, I want some assurance that I'm marrying a man who can concentrate on just me sometimes. The longer I've been in this relationship, the less I buy into the kids-come-first-and-only idea. If he wants me to commit to him, I want to make sure I'm not just committing to serving BM and FSD10.
More importantly (no, WAY more importantly), if I have kids with him, several things are non-negotiable:
1. We're having two kids together. Mr. Kate and I live in a predominantly white area, and its very possible that our children will be the only bi-racial children in their school. I don't want them to be the only ones in their home as well. I know that its 2010 and race shouldn't matter, and as long as a family loves each other its ok blah blah blah, well...long story short, it does matter and theres not much I can do about it other than make sure my kids at least have each other. This is how my relationship with my own siblings works.
2. My kids are going to college...so they're going to be expensive. I have two degrees, so that is the minimum for them. This means BF must either change his spending habits, or push his retirement waaaay back.
I don't think that is too much to ask, but in the back of my mind I'm wondering if Mr. Kate is just saying 'OK' thinking I'm not really going to put my foot down on this.
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Yeah, I know I have pretty
Yeah, I know I have pretty high expectations for kids who haven't even been born yet. Education is very important to me, and I think that the best way to affect what is important to kids is to show them that its important to you.
Speaking from personal
Speaking from personal experience, I would not consider marriage while he's going through a custody battle. I did this very thing and I have regretted it ever since. Three days after my honeymoon I became a full-time stepmother to a child turned on me like a rabid dog. I felt pushed into two roles and I would have liked more time to adjust. When I offered to postpone the wedding so DH could concentrate on his kid, he said we may as well break up because if we don't get married now we never will.
I sincerely wish I had seen this statement for what it was cause now I'm stuck in a frustrating situation for four more years.
On the money front, if your DF is not good with money now I would not hold out for this to change. Some people are savers and others are spenders. I work in a financial career and though people are capable of change, I rarely see it when it comes to spending habits. Serious credit counseling can help but I've got family members that went through a bankruptcy less than 7 years ago, bought another home a few years later and lost it in a foreclosure last year.
My best advice is to keep your money and finances separate if you decide to marry him. I'm not sure if you're in counseling but get into it before you make a life long commitment to this man and his child.
I wish you all the luck on this one. It's so difficult being an SM!