DH’s half sister contacted me...
about a week ago, and I just got around to reading her message.
I admit, I was leery at first, because we’re really not all that close. We’ve been around one another a couple times. She’s an attorney and she seems friendly and sweet enough.
So, she inquired how we are, how the kids are, then just kind of went into what she wanted to share, and it was very step family related.
Apparently, she has had a very rocky relationship with her father, my FIL, well... since forever. She went on to tell me how he didn’t see her and her sister much growing up. How he paid child support, but fought every CS increase in court.
SIL stated FIL and MIL never paid much attention to, or acknowledged, her (now adult) daughter, his first grandchild, MIL’s first step grandchild. She now has a child of her own, FIL’s first great-grandchild, who the in-laws ignore as well.
I found this all quite interesting, because guess who came after the first grandchild? You guessed it - skid. Skid is like the golden grandchild. Guess who has a lot of grievances in regards to favoritism? You guessed it - SIL.
SIL addressed all of this in a letter to her dad about a month ago. She shared it with me. She put it all out there with no holding back. She point blank names skid as an issue in all our family relations. It was to the point and done with such grace and confidence. Guess who hasn’t responded? You guessed it - FIL, because I’m sure he feels he doesn’t owe her diddly squat.
So, basically my MIL and FIL want me to make skid a priority in own life, but it’s totally cool that he dissed his own children/grandchildren.
The irony. It burns.
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Comments
Are you going to validate her ?
what are you going to say ?
I’m not sure if I’m going to
I’m not sure if I’m going to say anything. She already knows enough of our situation through extended family.
OK, wait, I'm a little
OK, wait, I'm a little confused - do she and DH share a father? Was FIL alienated from her by her mother, or pushed away by your MIL? Why did she, as a child, know that her father "fought every Child Support increase" (and who doesn't?).
Something is fishy here.
Yes, she and DH share a
Yes, she and DH share a father.
It’s my understanding that MIL pushed them off and away, as SIL doesn’t speak of any withholding on her mom’s part.
I’m not positive SIL knew the CS as a child, but she knows it now. SIL also lives with her mother, currently. So, there’s that.
"He fought every increase"
"He fought every increase" sounds like it comes from a bitter ex. I mean seriously, who doesn't fight every CS increase? And as an adult she should be able to think that through logically. Though, if your FIL let his new wife keep him away from his daughter, that's crappy.
I think my SIL is coming from
I think my SIL is coming from a place of her own grievances with FIL (and MIL), and it’s magnified with seeing him do the same to her daughter, also his granddaughter.
Lol, that’s funny, but not
Lol, that’s funny, but not surprising. The biggest thing I’ve discovered in this whole step situation is that there is a lot of crazy involved. And they do things that make no sense to me. My MIL is nuts, she had a profound effect on DH, who is obviously codependent, who married even crazier BM. Then they had SD who is a little nutty, but hopefully she doesn’t turn out as self destructive as BM.
I’ve learned I can only control me. I can’t change any of them, and I’m really trying to stop questioning why they do what they do, or getting angry at them, that’s hard. I can give the crazy some boundaries. Like only visiting the ILs once a year, or not giving BM my phone number, or not engaging with SD, or making DH do the dirty work of telling his daughter no (or more than likely not and leaving him to face the consequences of his actions).
Yes, ditto here - my MIL is
Yes, ditto here - my MIL is nutty and then DH married an even crazier BM, and SS18 has already started dating crazy girls (he can't figure out why).
I try to kick them out of my head, but they have such an impact on my life.
^^^This^^^
They are only following dysfunctional patterns established in childhood. So, their normal is not your normal.
Fish gotta swim, right?
It's interesting to see
It's interesting to see things from the child's perspective (even as an adult). It is entirely possible that her mom was a HCBM who pas'ed her daughter against her father. In response to being told that the skid was being preferred... she acted out and made it a self fulfilling prophecy by alienating herself from her father and stepmom. I'm not even saying that means she was a bad person... or even wrong... she was just a kid dealing with what she was told.
Hearing dad fought increases.. she doesn't know her dad's financial situation back then.. so could he really afford more? She perhaps saw favoritism when in fact, her dad was dealing with a lot of issues with her mom and it spilled over onto her.
I think the bottom line reminder for her FIL would be that it's not easy.. no matter what part you play in stepland and that he should be more empathetic.