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Yet another exclusion of DH & I by OSD and SIL

Disillusioned's picture

Submitted by Disillusioned on Mon, 10/09/2017 - 8:24pm

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As we neared Thanksgiving this weekend, this old scenario reared it's ugly head once again...the one where SIL and OSD have successfully ousted DH & I from being part of the family holiday get together's - it's seriously unbelievable

While MIL was alive, there was always a big family get together for Thanksgiving every year, and for Christmas

It was a big deal for her and FIL, and although SIL has never been anything but unwelcoming and inhospitable to me, and OSD also happily jumped on that band wagon, DH & I were able to get past that and still enjoy a nice get together with those that mattered; MIL, FIL, YSD, and later SGKIDS, etc...

Once MIl passed away, SIL took over the organization of the "family" dinners, along with OSD

First thing they began doing was inviting BM - who had no business being there.

This was something that never happened when MIL was alive. She never crossed that line. In fact, on the rare occasion she brought up BM at all, it was never in anything but a politely derogative manner (to me/DH only, not in front of SD's of course)

In addition to SIL and OSD crossing the line and inviting BM to DH's family events, they also began to up their alienation of DH & I. The games they played; ignoring us, being rude to us, the sarcastic put-downs, all increased

But when they really started to cross the line was the year "they decided" there would be no family Thanksgiving dinners :? :? :? no reason given, just because, but then DH & I learned they had all gotten together for Thanksgiving dinner at OSD's, along with BM :O

Last year SIL absolutely topped the cake when she announced that FIL & herself were spending Christmas dinner with friends of FIL's, rather than all of us getting together for Christmas dinner as DH's family have done since the day he was born (SD's generally have Christmas dinner with their inlaws, but Christmas day with DH's family)

And when FIL's friends actually declined SIL inviting herself over Biggrin then she and FIL had Christmas dinner alone at her place

This year has been no exception, Thanksgiving has rolled around and DH learned from FIL that OSD invited SIL and him to her place for Thanksgiving dinner, but DH & I were excluded from the invite of course

At first FIL asked DH if he had received an invite and DH said no. Then FIL started in on DH about how he should phone OSD more often, and DH said he was done phoning her, she refuses to answer his calls and on the rare occasion she does she is over the top dismissive and rude

FIL said to DH "well, that's your choice" and DH said "no, that's HER choice, not mine"

So, this weekend FIL and SIL sat there having Thanksgiving dinner with OSD and her family - and probably BM of course - while DH & I were excluded yet again

FIL is really unhappy about that. We took him out for dinner the evening before, and while there he mentioned to us in a very sad tone that "ever since MIL died, the family has fallen apart"

What he didn't add - but both DH & I agree he obviously sees - is that his own daughter (SIL) is one of two major connivers in it all!

No Name's picture

Submitted by No Name on Mon, 10/09/2017 - 9:38pm

Create your own memories. Have fun, enjoy your life. I know it's difficult but don't let them get to you. Invite friends and the family that you enjoy being around to your place for a holiday get together on a different day.
That is what we are doing. The heck with them, we are living our life for us now.
Tired of the games that they continue to play.
My DH comes from a large and at one time very close family. He always remarks that he just doesn't know how it got this way because they used to all be so close.
I can tell you how...his family chooses sides. They talk about BM when she isn't around and the next thing you know they are inviting her to family parties or meeting them out. It's quite obvious that they are talking about us because then the next thing you know one SIL is pretending that she has no idea that anything is going on, the other SIL is not speaking to us or making rude comments and then the BIL is asking about things that SS and BM have told half truths about.
Who needs this? Not me! Not us.
We have booked trips to just avoid all upcoming holidays.
We are keeping ourselves busy on the weekends that we don't have to work by trying new things and doing little weekend getaways.
BM and skids are still playing their games. We quit.

still learning's picture

Submitted by still learning on Tue, 10/10/2017 - 12:08pm

Yeah a trip to Hawaii during all the hullabaloo sounds divine! Yes start planning your own gatherings w/friends and family always with an open invite for FIL to join as well. The 5 years I've been married to DH skids have not once made holidays w/him a priority but we celebrate anyway. We have a gathering and whoever shows up is great, no catering or constantly changing things. LIFE IS TOO SHORT for all that crap.

Acratopotes's picture

Submitted by Acratopotes on Tue, 10/10/2017 - 1:46am

Ah see this as a blessing, now you and DH can host your own parties and you can invite FIL and the well behaved skids.... no OSD and no SIL.

Then FIL has to decide if he will visit his son or not, see ball in his court.

You can start up this family tradition again, invite both sides of the family to your place, excluding bitches of course.. and have fun.

classyNJ's picture

Submitted by classyNJ on Tue, 10/10/2017 - 7:41am

Have them all at your house. That way you know BM will not be there. If the SIL and OSD don't want to be there then too bad.

Thumper's picture

Submitted by Thumper on Tue, 10/10/2017 - 9:14am

Have you thought about planning a meal the weekend before ALL Holidays? Invite the FIL and anyone else who's company you enjoy. OR book a restaurant and pay for FIL meal, cocktails etc.

Come on now....life is too short for this drama.

If your in your 40's or 50's it is high time you figure out you don't need this any longer. AND you do not have to deal with it or put up with it.

Its very freeing. WHO cares if they don't invite you, hell I would not want go anyway NOR would I.

**just yesterday on Dr. Phil, he reminded folks of a saying HE has no problem using. "You don't have to like me. You can call me a 'son of a bitch but your gonna do it long distance. You can go across the street and call me names, YOU can go across town and call me names. But I'll be dammed if I am going to put you on my couch in MY house and call me names".** (THIS DOES NOT MEAN people in your home, it also means going TO someone's home)

OP I would NEVER step foot into a home, I would never be sad, disappointed, hurt or felt left out IF someone/anyone did not invite us or dh who acted remotely as you described.
WE pick whom we hang out with family or not family.

Disillusioned's picture

Submitted by Disillusioned on Wed, 10/11/2017 - 9:25pm

Yes Goodluck...for Christmas we're thinking of flying out West and spending it with YSD, avoiding the whole SIL/OSD thing if we can!