You are here

OSD persists in grossly crossing the Line!

Disillusioned's picture

OSD just does not give up! Grrrr!!

So this weekend is the birthday dinner for FIL. OSD is hosting. And she wants everyone to go to see OSGS sports event prior to the dinner.

No problem

Next thing I know DH storms into the bathroom when I'm getting ready for work this morning, to tell me we're not to going FIL's birthday dinner on the weekend

I ask why

DH tells me that he was in touch with OSD this morning to find out what time, where, etc.. and he learns that BM will be there too

We have no idea why OSD persists in doing this :? :? :?

When she started inviting BM to events she had invited us to a few years back, it started innocently enough and we were totally cool with it. A birthday party for OSGS for example. No problem. DH & I were always totally polite with BM and the three of us got along absolutely great while there (BM's SO who is OSD's SF didn't go initially as he refused to be anywhere near OSD, their relationship being even worse then her relationship with me)

Then we noticed that BM was also invited to the same sporting events for SGS that DH & I were invited too. Again, no problem we had no issues with it. Eventually BM's SO starting coming too

Then, we noticed that BM was invited to more and more events such as FIL's 80th birthday party - that invite had come from DH's sister. We felt that was inappropriate, but what really crossed the line was the small 'immediate family only' dinner that followed at DH's sister's house. BM was also invited to that, and now DH & I were feeling some boundaries had been crossed

Then there was the family dinner at OSD's place. We expected it to be DH, his father, sister, DH's daughters and his wife as in ME: not ex-wife too! DH decided that time we would just leave right after dinner

Where it truly crossed the line was early this year when OSD asked DH if he could drive her and the baby home from the hospital after giving birth to YSGS. Of course we thought that was great, and just before DH left for the hospital he learned from SSIL that not only was BM at the hospital too, but she was there because she was coming along in the car with DH and OSD for the drive up to OSD's house

DH finally put his foot down and said no to SSIL, he was not comfortable with that. We had learned later that OSD was totally pissed off, and she even withheld OSGS from visiting us the following weekend even though it had been arranged some prior

We figured at that point at least she must have gotten the message, and would stop forcing BM onto us.

But nope. Shortly after that was DH's birthday. OSD (along with DH's sister and BM) arranged for YSD's bridal shower to be held on the same day as DH's birthday, then simply told us that we would be having DH's birthday dinner that evening (and of course BM would be)

This crossed so many lines it isn't funny. From it being totally inappropriate to have BM at DH's birthday dinner, to BM being at any of DH's family dinners, to OSD simply taking it upon herself to TELL us what WE would be doing for DH's birthday

Once again DH had to put his foot down and told OSD that "sorry, but Disillusioned & I have already made plans for my birthday dinner on that day" AND that since YSD was visiting and staying at our house, we were hosting the family dinner there

As you can imagine, OSD was pissed off about that too, and didn't call DH on his birthday or so much as wish him Happy Birthday

But did she get the message?

Apparently not!!!

Here is it, another family event this weekend - FIL's birthday dinner - and OSD once again demonstrated she knows no boundaries and invited BM to this.

So, DH has confirmed with both FIL and OSD that he 'isn't feeling well' and won't be going.

I'm glad he did that, but wish DH would have simply said NO. I wish he would have told OSD that if she persists in crossing boundaries and inviting BM to family events she has no business being at, we won't be going any longer

I seriously don't get this...DH doesn't either, but he was very clear to me earlier today that he is "not happy with OSD" right now

ksmom14's picture

He needs to tell her that it's not appropriate for her to involve BM in events for his family, and if she continues to do so he will not be attending.

Stepped in what momma's picture

It sounds like you think you might be dealing with someone that has common sense but clearly this skid is not picking up what you all are laying down. So you tried to be nice but that isn't working so your DH needs to just straight up tell her to stop it.

Maybe the next time she is on the way over to your house for dinner or a get together you can wait until she walks in the door and mention that her ex boyfriend will be in attendance so she gets a little feel for how you all feel when she does it to you.

Disillusioned's picture

haha Stepped in what - this is EXACTLY what I had been thinking I should do too! But then, I honestly just think DH needs to sit her down and ask her how she would feel if we did exactly that to her. How SSIL would feel....and if that doesn't stop it, then ya we should refrain from attending anything she invites us to any longer

I feel like BM, DH's sister, OSD and YSD are all in on this together. Sooooo frustrating!

hereiam's picture

This is seriously ridiculous of your OSD and of BM. Your DH really needs to have a chat with OSD and SIL.

What does your FIL think of BM coming to his birthday dinners? Maybe HE needs to tell OSD to stop inviting her.

Your DH should be able to go to his own father's birthday dinner and it should be BM free.

hereiam's picture

Part of being a good hostess is being aware of the relationships and dynamics of the people that you are inviting to the event, not to mention, the guest of honor.

OSD is not hosting a party for herself, it's for her grandfather, her dad's dad, and she is inviting her dad's EX wife, and because of that, OP's DH will not be attending the party for his own father. OSD knows this is an issue, so yes, she can be blamed.

When I host a party in someone elses honor, I invite people who are relevant in THEIR life. In this case, it should be about OSD's grandfather and HIS family, not OSD and her mom. I'm pretty sure OP's FIL would rather have his son there, instead of his ex daughter-in-law.

Just J's picture

I think you missed the part about the SD inviting BM to HER OWN FATHER'S birthday dinner. I don't know where you're from, but where I'm from, that us a million shades of inappropriate and SD needs to stop being so rude.

It's understandable that BM is invited to the grand children's parties, it is not understandable to invite her father's ex-wife to a party for him. That's crossing a line for sure. This SD is either completely clueless or beyond self-centered.

Disillusioned's picture

hereiam yes, it crosses so many lines. It is totally inappropriate. It can't possibly be hard for OSD, or DH's sister, or BM for that matter to understand why that would not be comfortable for DH, or for myself....which I believe is of course the very reason they do this!

Especially since DH has made it clear, more than once, that he's not comfortable with it. To persist in doing that after it has been made known to OSD it out of line for sure

Disillusioned's picture

I disagree with you HeavenLike

OSD is not hosting an event for her family. She is hosting a birthday dinner for her grandfather on her father's side of the family only. Her parents are divorced and that means that BM no longer is part of DH's family (from FIL's point of view as well as DH & I) FIL doesn't want her there either. But FIL is old and just does what his nasty daughter and granddaughter tell him to do. She is no longer married in to DH's family, and no longer a part of it the way she was/I now am.

In all the years since OSD's parents have split, every birthday dinner hosted for FIL (and DH, and me, and her, and YSD, and DH's sister, now Sgkids) were always hosted at FIL's by MIL (she has since passed and why we now all rotate) but never ever was BM invited. For obvious reasons. DH & BM are divorced. It was an ugly divorce. Things have improved over the years but DH is still not comfortable being around BM. He has made that clear ot OSD. This is why BM was never invited to any family events at DH's family. Pretty easy I think to understand this

It's common sense HeavenLife. I think most people can easily see why it is not appropriate for a man's ex-wife to be invited to his side of the family's dinners along with him and his current wife.

Of course OSD can do whatever she chooses, you are correct in that. Just like I can invite her ex to family dinners at our place. We just love the guy to death. He is still important to us. So why not? I'm being sarcastic (although we truly do like him and feel very sorry for him actually) it would be the same thing. Whether BM is her mother or not it's the same thing. BM is DH's ex and he doesn't want his ex at his family events. His family should be able to respect that

My parents divorced and yes I would have loved to have my parents and step-parent at all my hosted events too. But, I knew that wasn't appropriate. So, I was mature enough to never ever do that, not once. Although I had a sister who was a little like OSD, she would invite our Dad to family events on my Mom's side of the family. All my uncles and aunts, cousins, etc...on my Mom's side. Then my Dad would show up because my sister said he was invited. You could cut the tension in the air like a knife. She was being a shit-disturber of course. Just like OSD is. She is clearly enjoying stirring the pot. She knows how DH and FIL and I feel about it, and she continues to do it.

You are also correct that DH's sister has encouraged this. Big time. But OSD is a big grown up girl and makes decisions all on her own. There is no precedent. DH has said no, not comfortable with this. Yet, OSD still does it. She is deliberating crossing a boundary she's fully aware is there

So yes I agree with you that the next step is for DH to decline all invites. Which he will. He is more against having BM at his family events than I am actually. If DH had insisted with this one, I probably would have been okay with it. Not thrilled, but then, I just think BM is a sucker for punishment and when DH totally ignores her the entire time, pays tons of attention to me, and insists we leave the moment the event is over...if I were her I would get the message and stop coming. But she doesn't. She still has feelings for DH which is sad. I feel bad for her. But, I can't believe she would come to all these events when she must know without any doubt DH doesn't want her there. He wants nothing to do with her. To me, if someone felt that way about me especially my ex, I'd so not continue to impose myself on his family events. Begs 'get a life BM' not to mention OSD and DH's sister. Seriously, time to grow up, get past it, and move on already!

sandye21's picture

I totally agree with you - SD is trying to stir the pot. But that is being too kind. It has happened too many times to be pure coincidence. SD and SIL are obviously getting some sort of sadistic thrill out of this. It IS sad that FIL and DH can not celebrate FIL's birthday together. Quit going to SD's and SIL's events. Start having special celebrations at your house for both FIL and DH. Inform SD she is invited, BM isn't - and if she chooses to bring BM she will no longer be invited.

notasm3's picture

Your DH should do more than just decline.

He should sit SD down look her in the eye and tell her in explicit terms that he does NOT want to be around her f*cktatd mother. That trying to include BM in HIS birthday celebration was one of the stupidest, rudest, most dumbass things she has ever attempted to do. And to KNOCK IT OFF.

This is not a time to hope that she will "get" it.

notsobad's picture

This is exactly what DH should do but these men rarely do what they should do.

He didn't even say he wasn't going because BM was going to be there, he said he was feeling sick.
He's then angry that SD and SIL don't get it. And so the circle continues.

Disillusioned's picture

hereiam - VERY well said! Yes you clearly summed up everything beautifully. OSD is totally out of line, 100% to blame, and has made it a miserable event for FIL who will want his own son and favorite child there more than anyone in that room, OSD included Sad

Exjuliemccoy's picture

There seems to be some triangulation going on here, as well as an abundance of manipulation.

What's up with your SIL? Does she dislike you, is she possessive of her brother, besties with OSD or BM? Because she's aiding and abetting OSD. Don't discount her part in all this.

Your DH has been WAY too nice for far too long. He needs to get busy, using the most blunt, direct words possible, in meetings with both his sister, and his daughter and SIL. No more feigning illness or sucking it up, either. There's a power struggle going on, and your DH needs to pull rank and assert himself. Your name shouldn't even come into it, as this is HIS boundary to draw. I like the suggestion of asking how they would feel if you invited their exes to events, but he should be prepared for gslighting, deflection, and defiance and be willing to illustrate what will happen if the behavior doesn't stop.

Disillusioned's picture

HeavenLike, regardless of what *I* posted, that doesn't make what you're saying right! :?

Read what hereiam said - now that makes sense!

This event is about FIL, not OSD and definitely not BM.

This event involves ONLY members of FIL's family, or it should. That does not include BM. She is no longer a part of FIL's family. FIL does not want her at his birthday dinner. What FIL wants, is to have his own son who he cherishes at his birthday dinner - not his ex-daughter-in-law that he could care less about in his son's place.

So, he will have his birthday dinner with OSD, dh's sister, and BM. His current daughter-in-law and his adored son will not be there. Bad hosting on OSD's part. She made this about HER rather than about FIL. That is just wrong. On so many levels

Disillusioned's picture

Exjuliemccoy, yes, yes to everything you said LOL.

DH's sister is very jealous and insecure as is OSD. Funny how they never had much to do with each other until they bonded with trying to ruin my relationship with DH and generally make my life miserable.

When DH was married to BM, DH's sister couldn't stand BM and treated her badly too. Once she and DH divorced, then the target was DH's girlfriend. That relationship ended and I came on the scene. Now I'm the target.

I honestly feel sorry for them

But I feel most badly for DH who will miss his own father's birthday dinner, miss out in seeing his cherished grand-kids, all because his sister and daughter are major shit-disturbing manipulators that can't seem to control themselves.

And of course, FIL misses out too Sad

twoviewpoints's picture

*sigh* OSD is still at it.

Celebrate FIL's birthday privately. DH and you can invite him to a home cooked meal, dinner at a restaurant of FIL's choice or maybe a small dinner party for him where he can invite a few of his social peer friends. Invite SIL if you wish. FIL is already having the big 'family' bash with grandkids and great-grandkids (and BM :O ), this one is part of yours and DH's gift and celebration with him.

Have DH talk to his father. Be honest with FIL.

Disillusioned's picture

Oh so now you know my FIL better than I do HeavenLife?


Stating your 'opinion' is one thing, making up crap about people you know zero about is quite another.

No, my FIL is not okay with it. No, my FIL doesn't like BM. No, OSD is not following her aunt's example. No, OSD is not young. None of that is true, not even because you posted it, not even when you say "FIL must be okay with it" Newsflash: you don't even know him, nor do you know anyone else in DH's family, but you insist that FIL must be okay with it? And OSD must be following the norm. Really? I guess you must be right that all of OSD's behaviour is perfectly okay too. BM's and DH's sister's too. I bet you know way more about DH than I do too, right?

Wow - that's really something else. You are entertaining, I will give you that! Thank you for the laugh!

Disillusioned's picture

Yes sandye21, DH mentioned to me this evening that from now on, any time OSD invites us to an event he will ask her if BM is going. If the answer is yes, he will decline. If the answer is no and when we show up she is there, we will turn around and leave

The hilarious thing is, I would not be surprised at this point if even when I host BM is brought along!

It's a shame it's come to this, but it's OSD's own doing (along with dh's sister and BM)

I agree with the poster who said this is a power struggle. The best way to take away the power is to not participate. Let OSD host this dinner and enjoy herself with FIL and BM and DH's sister. FIL won't be happy.

We are picking FIL up later next week and bringing him to our home. I'll cook. He'll stay over. He'll have a great time, and so will we without all the BM/OSD/DH's sister nonsense.

We will do this every single time.

If it means we never attend a family event of DH's family again, that totally works. We will find a way to see the people that matter - FIL, and sgkids - separately

Neither one of us will miss being around OSD or DH's sister, and definitely not BM!

OSD wants to win. She deliberately invites BM to these events knowing full well she's crossing the line. And she's loving that. She thinks we will just bow down and go, and that I'll be there feeling uncomfortable sitting down to dinner with my husband and his ex-wife. She wants to prove she is in control. But most of all along with her BM, she wants DH there too.

Well, she can't have her way. DH won't do it. She won't see him, and that will deflate her giant power-seeking balloon of an ego. She won't be able to manipulate, because her pawns won't be available to her. Such a stupid girl!

sandye21's picture

"We are picking FIL up later next week and bringing him to our home." Good for you!! Now DH and FIL can have a good time together without the hostility that SD and SIL are creating. Be prepared for a few new games from SD and SIL because you went around them, but you will persevere in the end.

Disillusioned's picture

notasm3, I so wish DH would do that!

I sort of said the same thing to him this evening. He was venting about OSD and how he just is going to keep declining.

I mentioned to him that she will just keep doing this, because he has not once said directly to her that she needs to stop. Secondly, after she pulls crap like this he is just oh so fine and nice with her after. So, of course she feels she can do it, he has never set her straight - not directly that is

She knows he is not okay with it. For sure. He has sent the messages loud and clear. But I think he needs to say it directly to her face. And that's what he's afraid of. He doesn't want to ever stand up and do what's right, be a parent, not to mention a supportive husband - all for fear she'll pull the old 'I'm walking out of your life card'

It's a big risk for DH. He wants to see his grandkids. I honestly think he should take the risk. Do the right thing. If OSD decides to walk out his life (again) and take sgkids, well that is on her. She will be responsible. And now YSD is pregnant too, so, at least there's that...

Disillusioned's picture

Yes DH pretty much plans all of that twoviewpoints....just not sure if DH will ever tell FIL directly either though Sad he just doesn't want any conflict when it comes to his family

notsobad's picture

I'm curious how BM behaves at these gatherings? Does she not feel awkward?

We went to an awards thing at the skids old high school. They were both being honoured along with some other people.
Grandparents and friends were there too, not a large gathering but a few people.
Anyway, it was BM who felt out of place and awkward. I was the one who was accepted as DHs wife. He was a coach to lots of the boys there. I knew most of the parents from sports stuff. And I only came into the skids lives when they were 18 and 15.

The skids hung close to BM, trying to make her feel better but it was obvious she felt out of place. Everyone was cordial to her and asked how things were but she just didn't fit in.
I don't know maybe that's the way things always were, maybe she never did fit in.

jam's picture

"I feel like BM, DH's sister, OSD and YSD are all in on this together. Sooooo frustrating!"

They are! None of this is innocent and none involved are innocent! IMHO: I think they totally enjoy forcing bm's presence in your space. It is evil of them.

Hopefully your dh can stand up to these bullies regardless if the "I'm walking out of your life card" is tossed in or not. The fear of that "card" can hold a person hostage. Time to be set free.

Good luck!

Exjuliemccoy's picture

I have a SIL who is pathological about bringing her dysfunctional family of origin together. She doesn't care that certain members don't get along, don't want to see each other, etc., and she's willing to play dirty pool to get what she wants, fallout be damned.

Haven't seen her in over three years. She chose to continue to escalate her campaign and turned up the pressure, so I chose to cut her off. I went from loving her to not trusting her at all, and DH is ill and tired of her games, too. SIL went too far when she targeted his wife. Now, he avoids her completely.

Disillusioned's picture

wineisthecure, yes DH's sister certainly encouraged OSD to despise me, right from from the beginning. But I also know that OSD has always been very strong-willed, mostly just scoffed at her Aunt, so really without or without encouragment she was already on that path

DH's sister and his daughter are very much the same when it comes to being very very immature, jealous, insecure and competitive. They honestly feel that if they can bring others down, belittle, humiliate, point out the bad, that they somehow look better....they haven't seemed to realize that by not behaving like this, and working to be socially acceptable instead, that this is what will improve themselves - and probably their own relationships with DH

If they put all that energy that they spend on hatred, conniving, scheming, and plotting, into simply working on themselves, and bettering their relationships with others, I can't imagine how improved their lives would be!

Disillusioned's picture

No it wasn't left out HeavenLike, you just didn't read it. Apparently you didn't read anything on OSD's behaviour either - r worse you did, and actually agree with it. Not a popular opinion but - to each their own. You are entitled to your opinion, however inaccurate that may be.

But clearly you also don't care about the facts, or anything that was actually posted, you have just make up whatever suits you

Oh well, most other people on this post seem pretty level-headed with lots of common sense.

Disillusioned's picture

Good question notsobad, initially BM definitely felt out of place

I remember the first birthday party for OSGS that we were all invited to. DH & I went and BM was there as well. We were cheerful, totally kind to BM. FIL hung around me joking and teasing like he does, me calling him Dad as he loves. Lots of laughing and kidding. And when I wondered off, then BM and FIL had a much more serious and formal exchange. SSIL was also really friendly to me, and DH & I were just having a blast. SSIL refers to me as his MIL, no different than BM. The difference being I've heard she doesn't like him much, but I totally like him and we get along great.

OSD and DH's sister were always with BM at these events of course, but it was like you just described in your situation with BM. It was obvious BM felt uncomfortable.

But the worst when was that first party when the card from DH & I were read to OSGS and it was from "Grandpa DH and Grandma Disillusioned" But then BM's card was read very last...sort of like a big production made, and it was from "Grandma (dh's last name)" and everyone including DH & I were totally confused and said who's Grandma (DH's last name)?

BM didn't come to the next two parties for OSGS after that. But, when she resumed going to these functions there were clearly sneaky plans made between her, OSD,and DH's sister to cause discomfort for DH and most especially me.

An example of this was when BM came to one party for OSGS and she arrived with her mother - who despises DH and it's mutual - and then supposedly had an argument with her mother so whispered to DH's sister could she come home with us. Now - this was all a big plan ahead of time as we never all go in the same car together but DH's sister insisted ahead of time that her and FIL come in the same car there as DH & I. We were confused why but were like whatever, but then when BM 'had' to come back in the car with us because of the supposed argument with her Mom?

So there was all this whispering going on between BM, DH's sister, and then DH while they asked DH 'permission' to come back with us. And when DH asked me and I agreed - still not fully aware at that point of their immature little plot - then all the way to the car DH's sister is going on and on about it being "one big happy family" and insisting she would sit in the middle of BM and I in the back seat, yada yada

DH handled it well. Since he had to drop his sister off first, then FIL, then would still have another half hour out of our way to drop BM, DH said he would take BM as far as FIL's and then FIL could drive her the rest of the way home. I would have said his sister could have done it but whatever. The entire ride home DH only talked with me and FIL anyway.

I'm with you notsobad - I have no idea why BM would participate in this stuff. She imposes herself on DH & I (with the encouragement and plotting of DH's sister and OSD of course) but instead of DH co-operating he says first he needs to ask me, then when I'm the one who decides, he then tells BM he isn't taking her any farther than FIL's, AND he ignores her like she doesn't exist for however far she drove with us.

Me, I would be so humiliated in front of my ex-husband and his wife I couldn't stand it. But, she just keeps coming back for more :? :? :?

Exjuliemccoy's picture

"...but instead of DH co-operating he says first he needs to ask me, then when I'm the one who decides,..."

You might want to talk to your DH about this. Sure, it seems like he's honoring you by saying this, but he's actually throwing you under the bus and making you the target for aggression.

He needs to keep you completely out of the equation. He needs to call out this relational aggression, focusing on how it is disrespectful to HIM, unacceptable to HIM, and explain that HE doesn't want to be around BM at all, etc.

notsobad's picture

Yeah, I just don't understand, some women must be a glutton for punishment.

Luckily we only see BM at sports things and the skids are done now.

We haven't had a wedding and SD(27) has recently told us she doesn't think she wants kids. So I guess we'll see what happens in the future. I'll just deal with it as it comes.
I'm very grateful to have a good relationship with both skids and my DH always stands up for me and by me.

Disillusioned's picture

jam, yes 100% OSD, BM and DH's sister are all in it together and enjoying forcing BM's presence on us.

I have been so naive for so long. They have done this crap for a while, and both DH & I have not even realized what was going on most of the time. We have been the ones to be friendly and sincerely decent, stupidly thinking at least where BM was concerned there was no ill-intention.

But then, my mind just doesn't work like theirs. I just can't think of a single person in my life, regardless of whether I like them or hate them, that I would ever spend so much time and energy dreaming up plots to cause them grief.

In the end they've lost. They can plot for every get together with DH now on how to include BM, but DH will always check first and not go if BM is there. And if they surprise him with BM being there, we will politely get up and leave. He will do this for every family event, regardless if it is hosted for his sister or daughter. So, they can enjoy not having DH there for any important events in their lives, and I say they get what they cultivated.

Disillusioned's picture

Just J, yes that was the one that got me the most - OSD inviting BM to the birthday dinner for DH - you know the one she TOLD DH & I we were doing???!!!

But, I have sadly begun to realize that this whole ridiculous scenario between BM, OSD and DH's sister has been going on for a while.

They have been playing me, and I've been pretty naive. Maybe stupid. I just haven't gotten it. Guess I don't think that way

There have been countless incidents so far in this year when they have forced the BM issue upon us, and for the most part both DH & I were so oblivious, so nice about everything, so accommodating. Such idiots we were really. We seriously never stopped to think, and then when it finally dawned on us what BS was going on, I now realize it has been going on for a long time....

Disillusioned's picture

exjuliemccoy yes, I was thinking the same thing actually. DH shouldn't have left it up to me, especially in front of BM, which it was.....I had no choice at that point, or at least felt I had no choice, to say anything but sure.

However, I didn't mind so much because I feel absolutely no threat from BM. I know she still loves DH, and I know she still would take any opportunity however desperate to have anything from him, but DH is so not interested it isn't funny. DH was actually never interested in BM. He accidentally got her pregnant, and he's paid the price ever since Sad

BM on the other hand felt she hit the jackpot with DH, and he was the love of her life. I truly do feel bad for her. I don't think she is so much a bad person is one who has never gotten past the fact that the person she snagged and wanted for life never loved her, cheated on her, and now thinks of her affectionately as a sister. That is probably the most she has ever had from DH.

The way she behaves now is beyond inappropriate. She must know it. But I think she is so desperate she just doesn't care. Especially when she has the full support and cooperation from OSD, and DH's sister. What's stopping her I guess.

shes driving me crazy in my retirement's picture

As I see it the SD does what the SD wants and the heck with what any one else wants or how her actions (in this case to invite the BM) affect her father or any one else, for that matter.

It is sad that it has gotten down to a situation of if the BM is there your DH won't go BUT I agree with him totally. If his daughter wants to continue this nonsense, then the heck with it.