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Trying hard to let it go- BM entitlement

Maria10's picture

It is ss12s time to spend his week with us. In the beginning of the weekend he forgot his prescribed medicine at Bms house. 

On Sun we had to attend an important event and Dh noticed that SS hadnt gotten a haircut for quite a long time and could not see bc his hair was too long in front. I gave SS a NEEDED trim( he also wears glasses too!) at the behest of dh who wouldve shaved ss12s head.

Today(monday) i stopped by BMs with SS so he could pick up his medicine( dh at work medicine beforw noon). As SS is inside,  out comes BM.

she tells me that the haircut looks bad and that she suggests taking him to a professional because school starts( she didn't know when lol) and the kids will make fun of him and he will cry and be sad. 

I told her that i trimmed based on the haircut that was already there bc he could not see since the hair was so long.

I told dh that I will pretend to forget and she can use CS money to give her child a professional haircut. The hair is out of his eyes which is the main concern.

A bit of background:  BM has for the last few years consistently sent ss over in stained, torn, illfitting clothes. Used money from his CS to feed her other son and buy herself booze. Sent SS over hungry and told him to ask his dad for money for food. Not bathed Ss for weeks. Demanded money and the schedule she wants from dh then witheld ss for a month. Asked DMIL for money and groceries. ...the list could be pages long. 

Whereas petty agreement stated that the residential parent provide clothes and haircuts. So her coming to me all entitled made me angry( especially because she has a pattern of neglect IMO).

Trying hard to let it go but this entitled attitude infuriates me.




lieutenant_dad's picture

I feel you 100% on this.

DH and I just had this discussion over the weekend. I get so freaking tired handing over $1,000/mo to BM to support the boys, yet we are still left with buying them clothes, shoes, supplies, hair cuts, etc.

DH's response is basically that he hates it, too, but there isn't much we can do. And he is right. She doesn't neglect them enough to have them taken from her, and we live in a state that there is a real possibility if DH took her back to court that they would just increase his financial contribution versus taking the kids away or holding BM accountable.

This is how I end up hating and resenting BM. She has had MULTIPLE opportunities to do better. She has had endless physical and financial support. She has squandered it all. Yet, she does *just* enough to use the ""poor single mom" card so people give her a pass versus holding her feet to the fire.

Hang in there. I feel you. Many of us do. It's the ultimate slap in the face - knowing your spouse is the better parent, but knowing that fact doesn't change anything. It's frustrating, but we all know that, eventually, BM will lose her bargaining chips and we will be free of her financial BS.

Maria10's picture

Thats what bothers me. She calls with demands. She now has a new husband and baby. In addition to the middle boy from another man( 3 kids 3 fathers).

For awhile Ss12(then 11) was coming over saying things like

My mom wants me at home more so I can spend time with the baby. Who doesn't love a baby.

My mom says I'm gonna love feeding and taking care of the baby. 

Mom stacked up about 10 boxes for the baby in my room and it's hard to get in there.

She is high conflict and calls about everything but does less than nothing for Ss12.

Dontfeedthetrolls's picture

Do not pay for the child’s haircut. That is what CS is for and you were perfectly right to trim his bangs. She doesn’t want to do it you can do it yourself if you’re comfortable, have dad shave it if the kid is ok with it, or let it grow out and keep trimming bangs.

Don’t ever give her money. My rule is if the kids hungry I will feed them but they will be with me. “Oh you can’t feed him dinner tonight. He can come join us and I’ll make sure he gets fed and goes to school in the morning.”

Keep any messages where she is saying she doesn’t have money for food and use it to fight for primary since she is showing she can’t care for the child. Potentially call CPS for a wellness check and report the neglect. They may not remove the child and in fact they might go as far as bringing BM food but there will be documentation that can be used later.

I understand not wanting the children to suffer but they do if one continues to make up for the other parents failures. Everything you give to her above what court has ordered is something you can’t give to them directly. If you give her $100 you can bet the kids won’t see it all. At least $20 and most like more will go towards BM doing whatever she pleases. You can buy food but again. If you spend $100 on food she’s not going to turn around and use that $100 on more food or whatever for the kid. She’ll use it all on herself.