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School Shopping, QT with Kids, and Disengaging....

lovedbyone72's picture

So a few days ago, I had a pleasant day with my bios, shopping for new school outfits (4 each), a nice lunch, and just good quality time with them. It's a tradition for us to do this. I specifically did it when the SD wasn't home, as I wasn't taking her with. It's easier, if you know what I mean.

So last night, my YDD was getting her school picture outfit out and ready when SD asked if she got a new or first day of school outfit. I said no. My SO pipes up to say that he is taking her for that. She asked me, "well how many outfits did (the bios) get? I was vague, as it's not a competition. She then asks SO, "How many do I get?" He informs her that she will get one or two, depending on what they find. My youngest child put us in a very strange position because they actually have 4 new outfits. OH---the look of death was directed at me by SD. I simply explained that it is her FATHER'S job to buy her clothing, shoes, and anything else she may need.

If I haven't mentioned this before in previous blogs, I used to buy her clothing up until I realized that she wore NOTHING that I had spent my hard earned money on. Then came disengagement. So NO SD, I won't be buying you anything, and I don't see anything wrong with that. And guess what???? SO has some manly things he would like to care of this weekend, and he knows that he will be taking SD with him...I'm going to the local consignment store to shop for my oldest bio!!!!! I can't wait to see the look of death yet again! Yes, I can be evil, but after wasting all of that money on clothes that she never wore, I don't give a POOP!


dragonfly5's picture

You are not evil, you are practical. Why would you spend money on clothing that is not worn or appreciated. Your DH needs to take HIS child shopping as you did yours.

Glad you had a nice day with your kids. I remember back to school shopping with my DD. It was always fun.

lovedbyone72's picture

There are so many win-wins when you stop doing those things LadyFace. It's forced my SO to spend his money. It has forced him to spend time with her. It's also forced him to see what a pain she can be about clothing. She's also a plus sized kid, so finding things that fit her properly is difficult. We went shopping for pants time....and that was the last time I went. I told SO that after 10 stores, and her picky attitude, I couldn't handle it, and I didn't HAVE to. I'm super lucky with my bios. I set a few guidelines, but for the most part, they are really good about what they pick out or what I select. SD...good lord. It's like styling a diva in training. No thank you! I choose to live without that stress! Plus, the money I "save" on not buying for her, I get to spend on my kids. Smile

hismineandours's picture

The exact same thing used to happened to me! I love to shop for my kids-and that used to include ss. I'd shop out of season, get awesome deals- I enjoyed it. When ss hit about 10 (I've been his sm since he was 2) I noticed that stopped wearing what I was buying. Which was super unfortunate as I was pretty much the only person buying him clothes. Yet, he would prefer to wear a hand me down tshirt from his 1/2 sisters at bm's over a brand new Abercrombie tshirt. So I started buying less-which did trigger my dh into picking up more stuff. And he sort of took over. However, I was almost always with dh when he did-so it seemed if ss got wind that it was ME that purchased something he'd just refuse to wear it.

This really hit home when he was about 11 or 12. He had moved in with bm by that time but was still with us eowe and we still provided most of his clothes. He had commented to my ds who was just a year younger that he really liked his jeans-that they were "cool"-so for xmas-I make sure I go buy two of the exact same brand, same style jeans for ss. When he opened them he seemed happy, until I made a comment-"I heard you tell ds that you liked his so I got you the same kind" It was the kiss of death. He was with us for 12 days-and refused to wear them the entire time. Continued to wear the same pair of pants over and over. I even suggested, before going out, that he put them on he refused. I asked him to try them on-he refused. I finally told him right before he left for the holidays-if he did not plan on ever wearing them to please leave them here as my ds could wear them. He left them here. So I went ahead and gave them to ds. After a month or two the kid did decided he wanted them back-but yeah, sorry too late.

That pretty much ended my clothes purchasing for him. He's 15 now and actually reliant on my mil to buy his clothes now. He looks like crap. But oh well, his choice.

3familiesIn1's picture

Its not a competition and I also informed DH that I am taking my bios for their back to school shopping on a weekend SD and SS are with their mother - why? Because its easier. I also informed DH if he wanted to plan a back to school shopping to let me know when he planned it (Id be happy to tag along, but that is his job to plan)

DH is all about being fair. Fair is not equal, this is a concept that has been difficult to discuss with DH. You see, BM takes SD and SS back to school shopping, so why do we have to take them too? Noone else takes my bios, just me. I don't feel the need to include SD or SS in my bio back to school shopping.

A few years back I pulled the plug on it leaving DH to fend for himself with his kids on back to school shopping. He got upset about the exclusion, I said, so let me get this straight, BM is allowed to take the skids for full back to school shopping, then we turn around and do it all again 'as a family' when do I get to take my kids and spend the time like BM does with hers? Why is it a sin to want time with just my kids and why do the skids need twice the trips for twice the stuff? That seemed to click.

I have no issue with DH wanting to do some back to school shopping with his kids, go for it, but why do I have to want to and why do my kids have to lose their back to school shopping trip with me - it was something we always did before DH and the skids and its not something I really want to share.

If DH feels strongly, he can plan his own bio back to school trip ... but he doesn't. That is on him, not me.

twoviewpoints's picture

The only 'mistake' you made (IMO) was displaying the 'newness' about the picture day outfit where SD would notice. None of her business what DD is wearing, how many outfits each kid got blah blah blah...but she is a kid and therefore thinks like a kid.

'Layout' outfit (new stuff) by putting the chosen new one front and center in DD's closet (all ready to reach in and go) along with whatever chosen accessories neatly in top drawer (ready to just open draw and go). Stuff is there, ready, not a 'secret' just not a 'hey look, so and so got something and not you'. It's simply not displaying out front the differences in shopping habits between your bios and DH's shopping habits with his daughter. I doubt the SD actually takes inventory if it wasn't appearing like an item is new and special. Yeah, SD might notice DD got something at some time (no idea when or for what) but it does not red flag the differences. I'll assume SD gets clothing new now and then (whether from her Dad, Mom or her maternal side of the family) that your DD isn't included in. Not every kid living/visiting in two different homes is going to get something at the very same time somebody else did. If SD arrived your house with a new top, I doubt DD would turn to you and ask 'Mom, did I get one'.

As your SD it see it and ask, I think a simple 'You know your father is planning on taking you shopping and no, I have no idea as to what you and Dad will find and/or buy, but I'm sure Dad and you will have a good time and you'll receive some nice things'...end of scene, kid dismissed.

No reason in the world you should be expected to take the SD shopping and/or finance her back to school clothing. That's her father's/BM's responsibility . But no reason to make the girl feel left out or forgotten either.

I'm so d*mn ready for school to start and to not see a kid for 6 to 8 hours. I'm tired of kids. Tired of kids whining and tired of all the back to school getting ready crap. Come this Friday it is a totally me, me, me day Smile

lovedbyone72's picture

It wasn't intentional. Ydd was packing it to take to her bio dads house and the SD happened to walk in the room. I know it pisses sd off that I don't buy for her but she also has a BM that has a shopping addiction and a father that has to step up to the plate. I didn't intentionally make her feel bad or excluded. I deferred to her dad immediately. She just expects that if my kids get something, then so should she. That even included when my ex bought our kids ipads for xmas. She wanted one too. We explained that it wasn't us who bought them. She went home to BM and got an Ipad bc of the tantrum about not having what my bios had. The ironic thing is her BM won't let her being it to our house!!! This is the crap we deal with. Smile