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With disengaging....

omgsaveme's picture

I'd like to get the opinion of others on 2 seperate scenarios. I have decided I am completely disengaging with SD21. Recently, I came across text with SD21 and DH where she is already giving her bday requests, mind you her bday is months away. She wants him to buy her tickets and get her a room for a popular party city. I find it hilarious at 21 an adult is still listing her specific bday requests especially being she has a child. I feel that as adults "celebrating" a bday doesnt really make sense.

We had decided last bday that SD get 100 dollars, he went behind my back and gave her 200. I know he gives her money behind my back.

My question is do you include that stuff in disengaging, I have no concrete proof that he has given her money, I just know him and how he is. Does your adult SK's have bday lists, do you leave DH to give prince or princess whatever their heart desires? Do you say anything about DH giving money when SK's ask or do you just let it all go.

We both work, pool our money together. I am disengaged, not paying any mind to SD anymore, just need some advice on how others handle situations such as these.

omgsaveme's picture

Process of doing that already however was looking at how to address the other things but thanks for the comment

oldone's picture

My guideline for DH is $50 for birthday and $100 for Christmas. I know that is not a huge amount but it is plenty for an adult.

TASHA1983's picture

I agree with you oldone!

My BF and I have come to the conclusion that each child, no matter what age, and no matter what it is bday/Xmas...EACH kid will only get 100.00 or a GC somewhere that = 100.00 & NOTHING MORE!

I don't get and NEVER will understand why ANYBODY spends so much $$$ on their children for their bday/Xmas in the first place!!! :? That just creates and enables children to be spoiled, entitled, dependant brats IMHO.

omgsaveme's picture

lol I love your quotes on your signature. Freakin hilarious !! I especially love "My give a fuck is busted"

Newimprvmodel's picture

I think you need to stop looking at his communication with her. I looked at dh's texts once and it just gave me more angst. Do not do that yourself!! (Hugs). I did it and it made me feel so bad I vowed never to go look again.

Newimprvmodel's picture

I do not know how many times you check, but try increasing the time between. Like if you check once a day, try to go to 2 days. It ain't easy!!

hereiam's picture

It's different when you are being asked for ideas of what you want. Most of the adult step kids referred to on here give an unsolicited list of MUST BUYS.

shes driving me crazy in my retirement's picture

If you are disengaged you shouldn't have looked at the text....sorry. I know how hard it is not to try to know what is going on, but the less I know the happier I am.

As for your SD's Birthday list - she can ask for any thing she wants, doesn't mean she will get it. But if your DH gives her more than what you agreed on, then make sure it doesn't come from your money or the family money. If it does, YOU make sure that you spend the same amount and when asked, be sure to say why.

Regarding gifts and my Twit (SD 49 yrs old), any gift giving is up to her father, not me. Unfortunately, DH is a lousy gift giver but, hey, her problem. When I disengaged I stepped out of the gifting Twit thing and this year for Christmas she got nothing from me. Unfortunately/fortunately (depends on how one looks at it) DH didn't get her anything either. He figured that I would give in in the sprit of the holiday. Surprise, surprise.

Last year Twit gave me a cheap, thrift shop/garage sale ash tray....and I don't even smoke! This year she gave me a cheap 4" resin plate with a lighthouse on it...the kind of thing you find at junk shops etc. I got tired of giving nice gifts, of treating Twit like my daughter and getting grief in return so I stopped. Twit is DHs problem not mine.

StickAFork's picture

How does one "come across" texts on someone else's phone?
Oddly, it's never happened to me...

omgsaveme's picture

LOL I dont even know why I worded it that way, I looked at the texts cause I just wanted to know but I agree as well, I dont want to know anymore and I also agree that if he is going to give money to her then our money shouldnt be pooled together.

Hypovic I completely agree, if its sneaky and behind my back then our marriage wont last. However I am going to seperate finances starting this week, and Im adopting stepaside's idea to spend money without telling him. Hell I make very good money and he can scrutinize what I spend but when it comes to SD its ok whatever you want

herewegoagain's picture

Stop putting your money together. Get yourself a will, get yourself separate accounts and if he loses his job or has no money, kick him to the curb.

Sweetnothings's picture

I went through some of this too, with DH, and him giving secret money to sd22 a couple of years ago. I struggled keeping the same high respect for DH because of his behaviour. I handled it by going through everything with DH, all the accounts, full access for either one of us. DH even created a new email account for the skids, to keep this all out in the open, and he discusses any decisions with me now. Not going to say it wasn't ugly for a while, he struggled because this way was MUCH harder than what he was doing !! Now, I don't even bother to check the email stuff, if DH wants to share he does, but since CS stopped for younger Adult 19+, that skid has gone radio silent too, and the only contact from these adult skids is when they need money or are in trouble and need money, I guess.....

omgsaveme's picture

I am going to stop looking at texts, Im not going to say anything until I have proof. I dont want to start fights, but I am seperating finances and disengaging. Last night he said something about her I just said "oh" and then he got an attitude ohhhhhhh welllllll.

It is definitely worse when I look, I dont need to know all their business. I agree Im all for celebrating a bday but with your whole laundry list of things you want, like you have to spend this certain amount on me. Oh well, disengaged.

omgsaveme's picture

Oh I definitely have no prob staying firm lol. Im just going to be positive and not let it run my life.

hereiam's picture

Definitely separate your finances.

My husband talks to his daughter regularly and although he will tell me about their conversations, I am not that emotionally invested. I listen and give my comments but only enough to stay in the loop so that if something weird does come up, I feel ok putting my 2 cents in. Well, let's face it, it's usually more like a dime!

Luckily, my husband has finally decided that at 21, big Bday and big Christmas gifts are done. Her husband can do that for her. My husband does not make a lot of money and was a little shocked that I did not pay half of her and her family's Christmas gifts last year.

Disengagement is definitely a balancing act, at least for me. I don't want to be totally disengaged and be blindsided someday.

forgotten wife's picture

my DH and i have a set amount to spend for xmas; half for his side and half for mine. $100 for birthdays, no matter what the age. no parties any more. all our kids are grown. we go to the gkids parties, at least i do. H, not so much. but i don't care because i now don't have to go to any parties on his side that could come up; sisters, mother, gskids when he has them, relatives i don't give a crap about, etc.

i told him several months ago to stop putting my name on any gifts to his side. they never thank me so the gifts are not from me any more. i don't put his name on gifts to my side, either.

so far, it's working out beautifully. i don't feel resentment and he and i both don't feel presured to go someplace we'd rather not.

omgsaveme's picture

See my DH doesnt grasp that concept, its whatever princess wants princess gets when it comes to holidays. Oh well, who gives a f***. Seperating finances and opening a seperate account to put money aside Thank you for everyones tips and advice. He doesnt have that respect at all when it comes to her.