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DH! Dude, WTF?!

livizzle's picture

So, I posted this earlier:

I had plans with my mom this afternoon to go to lunch (our dog was killed on Saturday, and this is the first time I have been able to get her out of the house). These plans were made before DH started on his insanity run.

When I was showering, etc., DH called and texted numerous times. I chose not to return the calls or texts, as I was still upset about earlier events, but he persisted. I finally texted him and told him that I was pissed about him logging into my online accounts and just been distrusting in general. Immediately, DH started with the "I'm so hurt. You hurt my feelings by changing your password. You did this. You did that. Blah, blah, blah." He refuses to accept responsibility that he did anything wrong.

I left the house a little after 10a to go to my mom's. We went out to lunch, and my phone was still blowing up with texts from DH. "Where are you? What are you doing? Hello? Hello?!" My mom had been near tears the entire meal, and DH's nuts-o-ness was the farthest thing from my mind, so I did not answer his texts until after the meal. At that point, he informed me that he was at home and knew that I hadn't been there since at least 10:15a. :jawdrop: I was MAD. DH has a commission-only job that is 45 minutes away, and he has yet to make the rent for September (he pays the rent, I pay utilities) because he had taken last Friday-Monday off. I told me to go back to work, and he said there was "no way he could work in his condition". His nonsense continued, until he asked me to come home because he was "more important" than whatever I was doing. Excuse me? No. You're whining, should be at work self is not more important. I refused to respond to anymore texts.

I ended up leaving my mom's around 2:40p (I was having a conversation with a friend via text and told her that I was leaving my mom's, so I know for sure what time it was) and went to get gas and Taco Bell. I got back home around 3:10p. DH was not here, but his work clothes and shoes were laying in the bedroom floor, so I know he did not go back. It was about 20 minutes later when DH came home. When I asked him where he'd been, he said "Oh, I was on such and such road, looking at the car lots". DH works at a dealership, and I knew there'd be no way that he would be going to car lots. Not to mention that we aren't even in the market for a new vehicle. He asked me where I'd been, and I let him know that I was with my mom all afternoon.

Fast forward to about an hour later. **

DH: I don't want you to get mad, but when I was out earlier, I drove past your mom's house at 2:25p, and you weren't there.
Me (not realizing the time he'd said): I went to get gas and then to Taco Bell. Why did you drive past my mom's?
DH: I just wanted to see if that's where you were.

So now, I'm pissed off again. I am not a child. I have never cheated on DH. I do not need to be followed around. It just angers me to no end that he would lie and say that I wasn't there at the time. In fact, around that time, we were sitting on the sofa, looking out the window because my mom's neighbor was apparently being questioned by his parole office (who knew?). DH NEVER drove by, that I saw.

What do I do? What would you do? I think that there are issues around BM cheating on him, but DH refuses to go to therapy and says he doesn't have a problem. He blames everything he does on me.

I'm not happy.


oneoffour's picture

"DH. I am sorry your ex cheated on you. But if you cannot trust me we haven't a future. I am not going to allow you to control me. But to help you out I was at my mothers as the dog was killed last week and mom needed cheering up. In future I will be turning my phone off when I am out with my mother. She is older and needs my attention.
You need to either get counselling or stop creeping around spying on me. And go to work and make some damned money for the rent. I am sure your boss does not see your insecurity issues as a good enough reason to leave work. Now man up or I am gone. You have 6 weeks to get into counselling (I will go with you if required)or change your ways. And for the record provide me with one time I have cheated on you."

just.his.wife's picture

Your man is seriously going overboard.

Honestly, check your cell phone. Since he couldn't find you yesterday I would not put it past him to turn on the GPS function on your cell so he can literally look and see where you are every minute of the day.

It time to sit him down and advise him, you do not appreciate being stalked. You have told him to not log into your accounts, he tries and either gloats when he makes it or whines when he doesn't, his NEED to control every aspect of your life is also interfering with his work.

If I were you, I would already be out the door with a restraining order against him for stalking and electronic harassment.

Your guy needs serious professional help.
And until he gets it, things are only going to get worse.

furkidsforme's picture

Anyone else picturing "Heeeere's Johnny!" from The Shining?

Holy sit, run far away from this man-child. How can you sleep with his insecure ass?

theoutsider's picture

This is not necessarily red flags insecure but it could be red flags passive dominance.

Either way I think you should run too.

My dad used to do this all the time to my mom, when I was growing up. (They are divorced now)

He would say "I know you didn't go to work today. I saw your car wasn't outside."
And my Mom said at first when she was earlier in the marriage would bend over backwards to show proof, try to figure out if maybe he drove by at lunch or something... then after she realized what was going on she would say things back to her, "Well I don't have any more overtime scheduled this week dumbass so lets see if my paycheck is the same at the end of the week." (These were the responses I heard as a child.)

Turns out my dad had been cheating on her the entire marriage.

Jsmom's picture

This is creepy....He has some problems and I would be very concerned about my husband stalking me...

Bex_S's picture

If there's no trust then there's no foundation for a good relationship between the two of you. He shoudn't be projecting HIS trust issues on to YOU. It's not your fault that he was cheated on in the past. You need to have a serious chat with him about this. Him basically tracking your movements and wanting to be able to snoop on your online activity is NOT acceptable. It's not even about being treated like a child; even in a relationship, both parties have a right to some basic level of privacy and life of their own. Please don't allow this to continue; this is a form of controlling behaviour and speaking from personal experience, it is a very slippy slope to becoming coercive control and abuse.