Loneliness
Not to whine, but I feel incredibly lonely in my relationship with FH. I don't know how to expres it entirely right so I might be rambling... I am lonely because he is physically not around for 4 days because of the work schedule, but even then, I need the hour or so I see him...I don't care if the skids are there or not, I just need to have him there so spend time with and just his physical presence.
Part of why I get sad is that I know this loneliness isn't going to get that much better in some ways. If we move into a new house, we'll still have bad work schedules that will interfere in our spending any time together. And of course hockey will be starting.
What makes it a deeper level of loneliness is that I think about fh still having ties to BM and her family. Her family calls him uncle. But it's like, where is my family's rights? Where is his connection to us??? It's like he's not only disconnected from me but also my family...and that counselor is happy about that since, afterall, "the needs of his kids have to come first."
FH is a very uncommunicative person, or so it seems. I've heard from his parents that he is 'undemonstrative' and 'uncommunicative'. I've read from BM's counseling notes that she found that to be true too. What hurts is that he knew how to reel me in. He was attentive, thoughtful, kind and considerate. He still is all those things, but something is lacking that I can't put my finger on. It's like they've stopped. He makes dinner and washes clothes and whatnot and considers that to be his way of showing love. But what's frustrating is that he always is happy and playful when the skids are home. How he is always makes them want to stay with us. But when they leave, he goes back to being sullen and moody. He doesn't even get groceries sometimes,which I blew up at him about. What we don't eat because your kids aren't here???!!!!
Part of this whole loneliness thing, which might be a bit off topic, is that we who are stepparents involved with someone with ex's and kids and baggage have to share our partner with so many people that we don't get much of their attention.
I feel like I have a part-time husband(fiancee,whatever). I knew it was a tough thing to make a blended family, but this is turning out to be more difficult in ways I'd never imagined. I imagined the skids hating me or if they did like me, we'd all be out doing stuff. But the reality is he works, I work, and the skids have alot going on. So often it seems like a bunch of people who have very little in common just living in the same house. It breaks my heart to say that and I know it isn't entirely fair or true, but sometimes it does feel that way.
I long for a full-time husband who can devote time to making me happy. Ok, I realize no one can make you happy, but I'm saying he can devote himself to spending more time with me just *being*. I don't expect diamonds and furs, but I would like a card once in a while or a note saying how much he loves me and would be lost w/o me. FH used to do those things but now he just doesn't.
I feel like I should make up a pretend personals ad..."Wanted, part-time husband. Must be available nights. No sex involved...just cuddles and kisses and cute little notes." LOL
Does this feeling of being alone ever get better? I realize I have to share FH with everyone, but will I ever come to terms with it? Has anyone else?
LT
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NOPE!
The problem is.. that it doesn't change either. They spend all of their time and energy on first family and since we are coming into with open eyes are supposed to deal with. I am you 5 years later. If you can deal with the situation or if you talk to him about it and he makes an effort.. than that would be wonderful. And, I don't want to turn you off because a lot of blended families work. But, just so your eyes are open... this is what they do. They seem to stay connected to BM "for the sake of the children" and it makes us feel like we are not as important. Mine fights with me at the drop of a hat, but won't say an unkind word to BM. And, of course, don't let me bring that up because that leads to another fight.
So just you know that if you are unhappy now, you need to talk to him about how you are feeling and consider if it is what you want to deal with.
That's why I wonder why anyone does this step lifestyle...
I can't imagine why I'd want to have a kid with this guy if my child will always come second. It's bad enough I do but I'll never put my child through that...making sure his 1st set of kids has their hockey/play stuff paid for while my child gets less, I don't think so.
I'm on board with the idea of making a blended family work. The problem is that my FH, who in my way of thinking is head of household, isn't being the captain of the ship or the CEO of the company or however you want to put it. He's not being our leader, keeping the family together and running smoothly. I defer to him on alot of decisions because he is the children's father...I feel it is his place to make the final decision if it affects them in some way. But he is not taking my feelings into consideration sometimes. It's like him and the kids are a unit and I'm still an outsider who has no say in things and my feelings don't matter.
No things don't get better!
Loneliness is a tough beast to wrestle with. I too was in a situation where I felt lonely in a relationship.
The only thing it does is build resentment inside you. And as much as you may love the person, this type of emotional negligence leads to anger.
Eventually you feel abandoned.
One can only hope!
Hey girl! How are you?
I love that phrase 'emotional negligence'...boy is that ever true!
You're right...I am angry alot. I'm still trying the Love Dare, but right now I'm struggling. I feel like I keep pouring myself into this and not getting anything back, not even just feedback one way or another.
I dunno...I wish I'd picked the guy w/o kids...although, he isn't much for being a good worker like this one...
Maybe I'll just learn to deal.
Hugs girl. TTYL
if you posted that ad
all the old, crippled grandpas would come, as they can't perform anymore, stuck at home due to bad health so be careful what you wish for
or a bum as they don't work and have lots of time to spend with you, maybe an old bum... haha
Some lonliness is part of the human condition and is to be accepted, work schedules interfere yes but in order to pay bills and have anything to make live safer and more secure you need money thus a job and there is nothing much you can do about it. millionaires work a lot... poor people work alot, everyone works a lot.
I don't know what the answer is but you have to make the most of what time you have together.
That's what we're trying to do
is spend good time together everyday. I make it a priorty to be home so we can spend that hour or so as a family or a couple before he goes to work.
The problem really is that he is so miserable it affects me and sometimes his kids. If they aren't home, he is fine with moping and being all sulky because he has to work or is bummed in general about life...but if they're there he tries to put on a brave face mostly.
What upsets me is that he has the two personalities going. If he'd just say hey babe I'm upset cuz work sux, that would be fine. But he doesn't and just kinda gets quiet and non-talky.
I'd like to be less lonely because I know what you're saying is true...he's a good worker/provider. I don't know how to not be lonely when I'm physically alone so much. Maybe a dog or having a baby? I desperately need to feel connected to him so I don't know what to do. I know bringing a baby into it is probably not a good idea at this time, but I have that biological clock ticking anyway.
Thank you for giving me stuff to think about.
Hugs, LT
sounds like he
has depression or some mental ilness and if you were to be able to spend more time with him, you might not like it.
having a baby or dog to not be lonley is not a reason to get a baby or a dog, more so a baby as that is a very bad reason to have children and you will surely regret it.
Try to find a hobby, it may not solve your problem but it sure will help.
Were you not aware of his working and moody, closed ways before? or is this something new with him? If its new, could be he either hid his true self from you or he has become mentally depressed ( or some other illness of the emotions). If you married him and he has been much like he is now with the moods and you kinew about it, I think your not going to have good luck in trying to rebuild him to your liking.
A man does not make you whole, marriage does not solve lonliness, and having kids to keep you from feeling lonley will be the biggest mistake if your life.
You need some sort of
special weekend, just the two of you, go somewhere special, if that is not possible, how about a romantic date? maybe you can make it once a week? so the passion never dies, and you have time for just the two of you.
P.S in that date, no talking about kids or BM, not answering their calls either.
~You can see clearly only with your heart. What is truly important is invisible to the eyes~ Antoine de Saint-Exupéry's
that's good advice
My friend does that with her H and they are just a regular, non-blended family (is that such a thing?lol). She says it works out pretty good for them.
I'm definitely going to have to do that.
Lil T
my FH and I do a Friday night date night every week, we got out to eat and we dont talk about kids or problems we talk about fun stuff..kids mine and his are told not to call and that we will not pick up their calls(although FH has failed a couple of times) we look forward to it
"money cant buy ya love" song just popped in my head..lol
"Better a diamond with a flaw than a pebble without one."
that's a great idea
Our problem though, is his agreement with BM is very flexible (read: we get screwed every time),so we get the kids alot on weekends, weeknights, you get the picture. Scheduling a set date night every week is going to be impossible. We have to have it whenever...like, say on a Tuesday, because that's the only night we have. Otherwise, we'd come home from our romantic night out to skids...and who wants that?lol
i understand
i say squeeze it is when you can!
I am sorry I should have explained my poitn better, that is what I get for trying to work and BLOG
My point I was trying albeit badly was that when it is your time it is YOUR time whenever that is.
"Better a diamond with a flaw than a pebble without one."
LilT
I know you were very happy when BF asked you to marry him...but have things progressed since then, or have they stayed the same or gotten worse?
You reeeeaaally need to think about this before you make that commitment. It's still not too late for you...
Sasha things have gotten better
in alot of ways. Alot of it is me being dedicated to this relationship. I'm doing the Love Dare, not so much to win him and keep him, but to change me. I want to not be a greedy b* all the time and want attention, which is hard.
Since I started being "nice" and handling things better he's gotten way way better. Overall, he's very sweet now and is much softer in his attitude towards me and the world in general. However, when he disconnects he really pulls the plug. I'm trying not to react to him with the long lecture "I'm so lonely and sad" stuff. Instead, I'm trying to ignore it, bite my tongue and let him feel what he needs to feel and come back to me when he's no longer angry/sad/depressed. His mom did just die afterall, I'm sure there's repressed sadness there he's not feeling or letting out.
This is a very hard thing because I love him and he is good to me in alot of ways. But he's so much less emotional than my exH. ExH could have been a woman he was so emotional and was able to communicate with me in my language...but, that was so he could be a good manipulator and abuser. FH is more like your strong,silent type and isn't anything more defective than your average run of the mill guy. There's no big baggage, just his inability to communicate and the ability to completely withdraw. I'm sure part of it is from his life with the BM...but part of it is how he is. She's had alot of the same complaints I have, only mine are much less because he's been doing therapy.
Overall, I think we'll be fine, but I need to figure out how to fill myself when he's working nights and the skids are gone. I think for me it's more than just taking a class or something...I still have that biological clock ringing really loudly, and that's part of my need I feel compelled to fill.
Thanks for letting me vent LOL
I hear ya
In fact, reading the Love Dare, I'm learning how to be happy and healthy. I know I have issues of my own, like who doesn't? But I'm trying to not let them drag me down or ruin our relationship. What's frustrating is that I need him to better himself emotionally and I don't feel he is...he's kinda stuck in a rut. Maybe he's depressed--he's thought so himself.
I know that I need more than I have now...not to be greedy or needy, but because at 10pm at night when there's no skids and I'm tired from a long day, I want more than to be sitting in a big house alone. I need some kind of company to fill those empty hours with. Everyone has kids and stuff, but I'm all alone. Sorry for the pity party.LOL
I think I'd like to pursue more of my life...even getting the dog. Something I can invest my time and love and interest into like he has his kids.
I dont think I get lonley
for some reason I just don't. Maybe because I have lots of hobbies and there is always something to do ?
as I see it true happiness comes from within and I don't think much about if I feel lonley or not , or expect others to bring things to me. Maybe the key is not to focus so much on self.
?
If you read the bible it will tell you what to do about lonliness and it is specific to say not to marry to cure it, but tells you what to do instead.
Maybe its your answer.
Curious
where in the Bible does it say specifically not to marry to cure loneliness? Didn't God say in the Bible that "it is not good for man to be alone." Hence the reason for women and pro-creation.
it says it clear as day
go research it, you may find other interesting things while looking.
says: marriage does not sure lonliness... and tells you more about how to cure it.
go look it up yourself, yuou could stumple on other things too of interest to you.
like my new picture? reminds me of my step daughter
lol
Oh, I know it talks about loneliness
I studied the Bible for 12 years front to back.
I don't recall the existence of a verse about marriage not suring loneliness.
That was why GOD created A WOMAN.
one hint
not going to preach and sure not going to take away the gift to find this gem on your own, but look in corinthians.
Marriage alone does not cure lonliness, sexual tempation, satisfaction of ones deepest emotional needs or elinimation of lifes difficulties, it does not hold 2 people together.....
etc etc etc.
you know what else it says? tells women who to marry !
that just freaked me out to no end and what got me into
wanting to read more. I read and read and even had a mentor.
To note:
I am into relationship, not religion and do not care to start
trading bible verses as bible thumpers are offensive to me !!!
Life application bible, the best ever !!!!
Hmm..Actually Not a Bible Thumper
Not a Bible thumper, never have been (actually i'm more into EXACT FACTS). And I don't need "a hint", like I said, I KNOW what I'm talking about. I was just "cultured" and taught to study all things and forms of religion and religious texts from all over different regions of the world.
In fact, I actually believe the Bible was re-written by older white men (that had their own intentions) back in the 1400's and lost much of the "Truth and Word of God" during translation and has lost much of it's "honest" value due to these men.
Your reluctance to merely quote any such verse (which I know does NOT exist) just leads me to believe even further that you are actually talking out of your ass.
If you want to use a bound text that is used the world over for many generations to support your opinion you should make sure your facts are correct (which they are not).
Not trying to be mean, I just think your comments are often very obtuse and rude.
not my problem
you took it badly, only a reflection upon you
I told you where to look, even told you what it said, sorry you cant find it.
I don't care what you believe happened in 1400, thought I made it clear you didn't have to bother with explaining your beliefs on religion as that is not what this topic is on or my intention to
get into a "religious" conversation. If you can't find it I only hope someday you can.
This is why I am offended by bible thumpers, they have no concept of what they read, they see only what they want. The relationship with God is not what is is meant to be. It is lost.
You will have to do your own research, sorry.
Anyway...Back to Lil T
I know it's hard when the man in your life becomes emotionally absent for you.
Have you guys tried counseling? It's often easier to communicate in an environment where a counselor is present.
It allows for a controlled environment with someone to be there to help open the lines communication when either of the two of you are "stuck".
Perhaps you can approah him with that, and tell him that that would be "conditional" to walking down the aisle. If he is the one for you, he will be willing to do whatever it takes help make the relationship better.
P.S. I think a dog is a good idea too. Animals are very good companions for loneliness. Also studies have shown that they lessen the risk for depression.
Thank you for that ;)
We're in counseling. The counselor is completely sucky. He thinks its ok for fh to hang with the bm' family and I need to accept that he'll be having dinner from time to time w/bm and their kids...uh huh yeah right, over my frikkin dead body!
I want to find another counselor who is specifically a marriage counselor. This schmo is a blended family counselor or something, but specializes in kids w/problems.
I try to talk to FH about being lonely, but no matter what it is I need, he flips it around to say HE needs it. I'm like, "give me a frikkin break...if you're lonely during the day it's cuz I work!!!! Every opportunity to be together I am all about...it's not my fault you never want sex and never want simple intimacy and never want to just be silly together." It's kind like the whole concept of intimacy or closeness scares him...I dunno...
I like the idea of a dog because my family has always had dogs...we've never been without. The house seems lonely and sad without one. They are really good stress relevers and lower your blood pressure, etc. I miss that. FH doesn't like dogs and doesnt want the "hassle" but if it's my dog, I'll be taking care of it...but he's afraid he'll have to pick up the slack sometimes like while I'm at work. But I'm thinkin, tough...I have to pick up after your kids all the time and they make way worse messes than a dog!
Lil T
Lonliness and I are good friends, I battle that all the time and I am sure for me it has alot to do with self esteem.
I love to read,(never minded doing that alone) I love to run, (and had to learn to enjoy that alone I used to always have a running partner) I will now go to a store and shop by myself and learned to enjoy that (no one rushing me) I have learned to watch and enjoy movies by myself (my sons give me plenty of good ones to watch)
even so, when FH is at work and my sons are out and about they are 19&22 I do get lonely --and I start to hate it then I stop and think ok what can I do to keep me from feeling this way,and sometimes it is nothing more then a cleaning project that I have put off.
I still get lonely but now I dont let it rule me, I rule it, and believe me it is still a struggle..
pm me if you want to talk more.
"Better a diamond with a flaw than a pebble without one."