I guess for me the whole idea takes on different meaning. Even when it was my BD, there were chores and responsibilities. We are in this together and everyone pulls their share of the load, so that one person does not become overwhelmed with the house work. For me it is about preparing them to take care of themselves when they leave my home. They know how to iron, clean the bathroom, kitchen, do laundry etc.

BD is a junior in college and when she left there were few things that she did not know how to do. I credit that with because we prepared her. We opened a checking and savings account for her that we deposited $$ into. We made her purchase the things she needed with that money. It taught her to 1) balance a check book and 2) to budget money. We would send her to the grocery so that she knew how to shop for the best deal and not be caught up wasting money on brand items. We even taught her how to use coupons to save a few extra dollars.

At this point she already knew how to do laundry as had been doing her own since her junior year in H.S. She knew how to sort them, the temperature to wash them in, how long to dry, fabric softener, etc.

At about 14 she began experimenting in the kitchen and eventually learned how to cook "real" meals. Now that she is in her own apartment, she actually makes real food. In fact, on some Sunday's she takes up a collection from friends and she cooks Sunday Dinners.

She has had the responsibility of properly cleaning the bathroom and kitchen and does so in her own apartment. You don't walk in her place and find a sink full of dirty dishes. You don't go in her bathroom and are afraid to use it as it looks like the local gas station.

Does she always do it? No. Is her bedroom always neat and tidy? No. But not only does she make every effort, but she KNOWS how to do these things. She actually has called to thank me for teaching her those things as she has friends who haven't the faintest idea.

The reality is we TEACH our kids how to drive and the responsibility that comes with the privilege, so why not teach them how to be viable and self-sustainable when they are no longer in our care? I know there will be some that will disagree with what I am stating and that is perfectly fine. My response is not to knock your way of doing things as we each do what is best for us. My question to you is this, how does this help them in the future? Sometimes we cripple our kids without realizing that we are doing so. Just a thought. In any event, I'm glad that you are able to step up to the plate and clean behind teen and pre-teen kids and not feel frustrated. I commend you for that, because I am surely lacking in that area.

Step Mother's Motto this week is:

You don't have to LOVE me, you don't even have to LIKE me... But you will RESPECT me.

My skids are 12 & 14.. and they are WAY messier than my 2yo! Bathroom, kitchen, living room, bedrooms, pretty much every room in the house is a disaster every other week when they are here. But, being the 'neat freak' that I am, I always do what needs to be done without complaining.. too much ;). I do have a few things that bug me, such as leaving a half glass of milk on the counter instead of rinsing it out. I hate that! But all in all, whether the skids are well behaved or not, I do my housework because at the end of the day, I want my man to come home to a nice clean house. I, myself, like to have a clean environment as well. So, I take on the extra duties with no issues. After all, we are moms! Step or Bio, we do the things we do because we love our families I think it's great that you're willing to take these things on with no prob as well! Way to go!

I posted not too long ago on an epiphany I had about realistic expectations... it sounds like you've done a great job of setting them for yourself with your step-kids. I'm learning that I don't have the opportunity to teach them the things I'd like to when we only have them every-other weekend and all I end up doing is being a stressed-out nag. It is a very healthy and very good thing that you've realized this, definitely nothing to feel wrong about! Your husband is supportive and appreciative and makes you happy. If you can let all the messiness go and not be bothered by it then good for you... I'm still working on it but now that I've lowered the bar to a more reasonable level life is MUCH better! On the other side of the coin don't feel bad if you do get tired of it at some point - then maybe you just start pushing the kids to do one or two little things and figure out where the new balance is.

I think you are a complete freak....JUST KIDDING. I do much of the same things. Though, it took me a while and through much venting here and getting lots of support, I used to be complaining about ALL the things I had to for them, not anymore.
I finally came to understand a few things.... 1. If I gave birth to SD, would I be doing these things for her, or making her do them...the answer was that I would be doing them for her. She does do chores, but I do clean up after her a lot more than she cleans up after herself. I also do her laundry, etc. I enjoy it. I feel like I am helping her out in some way??? 2. That fussing over all the "small" stuff isn't worth it in the end.
My Sd moved out in Feb, then back in in Aug. Bm was awful to her. Even though I enjoyed the peace while she was gone, I changed. I changed for the better and became a better parent to her. All that small stuff just doesn't bother me anymore like it used to..... I say GOOD FOR YOU!!!! I only wish I would have realized all this about 10 years ago, maybe my other SD19 would not be so damn resentful today!

For me it is a little different though, because I do the deep cleaning and expect my kids to help straighten up. My husband does his own laundry and the kids share the responsibility in theirs. Of course, I do all the bed linens and such - they wouldn't think of doing that. When my sd lived here with us, her chore was keeping her bedroom straight and cleaning upstairs and downstairs common bathroom. I did at 16/17 expect her to do them right. I think my expectations may have been to high though, because I would have to come in behind her and finish. Anyway, I just ended up doing it to keep my sanity and keep things tidy.

I work nights for a paying job and day as what I consider normal (because that was how I was taught) as the mom/maid/household dictator. I do appreciate any extra help that I get. Growing up my parents taught me to be responsible and to do something right the first time, so you don't have to repeat. I think by example I'm teaching my children right by my standards.

I love doing special things for my family especially for my husband and I think he likes doing special things for me. It works in our household that is all I'm saying. There is no right or wrong way, just people have different ways of looking at things and prioritizing. I don't like to depend on others, simply because I know it will get done if I do it - OCD don't ya know.

I love that your not bitter, I hope we all can learn from that !!Keep it UP !! And you don't always have to be negative to be normal. But sometimes it just happens......

Stepwitch
Thank you Disney for portraying a positive image on all stepmothers!!!!

to do these things. My SS will be 8 in 2 weeks. Currently after shower he hangs his towel up and takes his dirty clothes to the laundry room. After church or coming from somewhere nice he will take his clothes off and lay them nicely on his bed for me to hang up. At dinner time he sets the tables and gets all the other things to the table that go with the meal. He cleans off the table after dinner and rakes the plates out in the trash and brings them to the sink then he sweeps the floor. In the mornings on the weekend he makes his bed and I must admit the kid can make a bed just as good as me. Now I have been working with him on making his bed since he was 4. Also his room is not one of those rooms you shut the door on as so not to look at it. He is very good about putting things back where they go and that again comes from working with him since he was 4 to do so. Now that is not to say that he does not leave little messes like the dirty handprints on the bathroom or get clothes out of his drawer and stuff things back in there in a very un-neat fashion. I have not worked on dishes yet as I see how I have to go over him after shower I am not letting him touch my dishes yet. He helps when I cook by mixing things, cutting up cheese for mac-n-cheese, patting out my biscuit dough and cutting out the bisquits, using the hand mixer to mash the potatos. I grew up with a mom that we knew how to do everything she knew how to do and hated it as kid but am so grateful now because of it. I do not let them touch laundry... I LOVE LAUNDRY! call me a freak but I do. I will work when SS gets older on doing his own. But to Teapot's original feeling of not being angry about doing the things and doing them cause they have to be done I feel the same way. I am the woman of the house and those are my responsibilites. Now maybe this is easy for me to say as my H is a GOD send. He can do all things inside that I can do and all things outside that I cannot do. Well maybe he cannot cook as good as me but otherwise he gets an A+. We teach SS all this stuff to #1 take care of his things and #2 to show a family must work together.

Funny thing is SS does none of these things at BM's....

I think it's commendable you can focus on making things easier for DH, whatever form that comes in. Kudos

from my SD, the reason we're going through it all....:
o, btw, my dad and *northernsiren* are the best family a girl(and boy) could ever hope for. Thank you for helpping me through these hard times.

When all the kids were younger and actually did listen when I said pick up your stuff.

Then they all went through a phase of leaving their stuff EVERYWHERE.

Now, my sons and BD 2 chip in to pick up their things, and SD is still a tornado. She leaves the bathroom disgusting, and still leaves her sanitary pads in her underwear.

For me the novelty has worn off. Perhaps because though my DH is fantastic in every way, it's rare he thinks to pick stuff up, and sometimes even contributes to the piles of shoes, hats, jackets that I continue to fight daily.

As long as what you're doing doesn't breed resentment, enjoy! I'm very tired of digging out of everyone else's sh#t myself.

Oh- and I HATE doing laundry for six people. Didn't mind it much for three, but six has become a bit chaotic.

"Om Tare Tutare Ture Mama Ayurpunye Jnana Putin Kuru Svaha"
~Sita Tara Mantra

"To Thine Own Self Be True" William Shakesphere

world. Sounds as tho he appreciates you and let you know it. You don't expect thanks, but you get it.

Then there are those of us who tried-really tried, but nothing we do is enough, or good enough, for that matter. My H's take on things is totally different. If he is not thanked over and over again for anything (including buying me used clothing-geez, he makes over $80,000/yr), he's mad. He's also informed me that as he works away from home, when he comes home he doesn't feel that he is obligated to do anything here. We live rent free in a house that belongs to my parents and I feel that the upkeep is our responsiblity. My goodness, he was home Thurs. afternoon, Friday, Sat, and left Sun. evening. This is how it's been most of the month of October. So. Thurs. he rested. Friday he took his d's out of town to the dentist, then played cards from noon til 7:30 pm. Sat. he watched westerns, and took his d's out for supper. Sunday he did nothing-resting up from his hard weekend to go back to work.

I had great empathy for both his girls when we got married. He and his ex (call her that tho they were never married) split years ago, and I've always had a huge heart for kids whose parents are divorced (my children suffered thru it-so I saw it first hand). But his preference for his SD17, expecting her to rule everything, has taken care of that. His showing me I am last has taken the heart out of me.

My H and his attitude towards me and what I am to him, here in my own home, is what is ruining what I had prayed would be a good marriage.

You chose better than I did-I could even handle SD17's attitude of "entitlement" if my H supported me as your does you.

I too, once felt that way. I love my step kids so much and I loved being a step mom and at the time I had no kids of my own. They have always lived with us and I jumped in and took over. I did it all. Cooking, cleaning, teacher meetings, sports, discipline, love, homework, etc. My husband didnt do anything as yours does. But it was ok, he provided and spent time with the kids and I made our house a home. I only recently after 13 years started to feel unappreciated. My husband is awesome and has backed me 100% throughout our marriage. If it werent for him, I would have threw my hands up long ago. However, now that they are grown, I feel that they could move out and never see me again and it would be ok with them. Their real mom passed away no too long ago and she flew to the top of the greatest moms in the world list even though she never did anything motherly for them. It was always me, me, me. EVERYTHING! So why cant I have just a teensy bit of credit. Maybe "Thanks for doing everything my mom refused to do", or "I appreciate you being there for me when no one else was". I mean throw a dog a bone here. I hope your feelings dont change with time as mine did. I once felt so extraordinary, like I was unlike anyone I knew because being a step mom was a good thing for me. I took pride in taking care of kids that were unwanted. But now, here I am, I havent done anything any differently and I feel that all those years were wasted on kids who could care less about me and all I have done. Good luck to you and I hope the best is to come for you. As for me, we'll see...... By the way, it is not anger I feel, it is more like a broken heart!

And that is a good thing. My wife would love for me to be more like your DH.

Obviously you are not resentful because you know he would do it if he could. He did it for years.

Good for both of you. But, now I feel guilty and have to go clean something.

Best regards,