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Lauren973's picture

Hi all. I've been MIA for a while. Thought it was time for an update and to vent a bit.

You will remember where BF and I were: he entered "mediation" with BM to hasten the divorce process and against my wishes made an agreement about custody that was drastically different than he and I had agreed on. I told him then that the terminology of the agreement would render him powerless and that there was no reason to believe that BM would operate in good faith. I told him that the agreement opened him up to further violations of the PRO and that even if she was abiding by the agreement today she would eventually push in further and blow up.

Well, I was right. Things went smooth for a long time (long in BM time). For one or two months or so, she agreed to let BF have his daughter any time he asked. Child exchanges were smooth and email exchanges were to the point. Over this time she had a number of spills off the "stalker" wagon. Despite the restraining order when her car broke down she had it towed to our house while we were out of town and sat on our porch talking to our landlord for four hours.
But as she was delivering on her promise to give him parenting time, he let it slide. He slackened up about pick ups and drop offs and would drop daughter off at her home rather than the police station. In time however, her emails turned into excuses to talk to him. Oh it was about trivial things like what she ate or where she'd been the week prior, but still it was a test of boundaries - and he let it slide. She would call me and bitch at me for giving her daughter a lollipop or ice cream.

Then, he finally wrote his financial settlement terms and sent them to his attorney. He basically agreed to buy her out. Offered $270 a week in child support (forever) $20k of the 401k (which was actually used to pay the mortgage on the house she got to live in) and half of the proceeds of the marital home. Custody was to be joint legal, with the caveat that BF could request his daughter at any time and "barring emergent circumstances" she could not deny him.

Last week, he was forced to commence paying the $270 weekly retroactive to July, and she got her money. Three days later, she sent him an email accusing him of abusing their child by witholding food from her for over 24 hours. Then sent another letter to him saying that she does not want her daughter around me. Furthermore she called me and left two SCATHING messages on my phone.

To provide a little back story, let me say that I have been having health problems and I am currently in a two week waiting period to determine what stage of cervical cancer I have. I do not have health insurance. When BM called one day to speak to her daughter, and I was crying when I answered, I foolishly revealed this to her.

So... on to the messages: "don't ever get involved in raising my daughter. You are nothing to her other than the girlfriend of her father. Not even a friend because you don't see her that much. You don't have any kids and don't understand them so don't try to raise mine. because I am her mother. Just take care of yourself right now. Because if ____ (BF) loved you we would be divorced and you would have health insurance and maybe you wouldnt have cancer so its obvious who is his family and who he cares about because I have his health insurance. So go get a job at UPS so that you can go to a doctor because he doesn't love you enough to take care of you like he does us. The two of you can't be trusted around my daughter and I'm going to make sure the lawyer knows that. Just go lick your wounds and stay away form my daughter."

Remember, in May she BEGGED me to take her daughter to and from school because she couldnt afford gas. This AFTER previos claims that I had abused her daughter.

BF and I had a long discussion. A letter is being drafted by our attorney that she is never to contact me again. I will no longer attend pick up's and drop off's for child exchange. I cannot let this woman's venom affect me now. BF also wrote her a reply email and told her that she was violating the restraining order and that any further violations would bring police involvement, and that I was the love of his life, that he loves me more than her ever loved her. Yada yada yada.
It was nice - really nice for him to stand up for me for once. I mean I understand that any reply he gives her just enflames her and makes things worse - but for once, he put me above that.
In the meantime, I have realized that BF really really screwed himself. I told him to just take it to court but he wanted it done as quickly as possible.
Now he has his financial offer IN WRITING and her attorney has YET to write up the child custody agreement. Obviously now that BM got more money she is laying groundwork to claim that he is an unfit parent. I warned him that she would not hold up her end, and its coming to fruition. Even if he DID take it to court now, the court would hold HIM to his agreement to pay that amount, and custody would STILL be up for grabs because no agreement was written. It was all verbal. Our attorney keeps telling us to continue playing nice because our attorney is a good guy and expects her attorney to play fair. But as I keep saying, her attorney is F*KING her in exchange for his services. There is no reason to believe for a SECOND that he will play fair.
Ugh. Sometimes it seems I have no voice. I open my mouth and all is silent. Its really not so fun being able to say "I told you so".
I cannot wait till this is over. Will it ever be over? Will he EVER get a divorce?
I mean I know she's in our lives for all time - but can this evil battle of wills be RATIFIED IN SOME WAY? Its been four YEARS. And I am tired.
I have never hated anyone with as much passion as I hate this woman. It sucks me dry. I want it to be his problem and not mine. I want HER to have to deal with the empending emotional problems of the child she messed up because she cared more about her own hurt ego than her daughter. I want to REST.

Somehow I feel like she will never get what she deserves.

Anyway, thanks all for listening. I've missed you Smile


Colorado Girl's picture

First and foremost, I want to say that I am sorry to hear about your recent health issues and I hope that you don't listen to that despicable woman -don't think for one second that anyone good or bad deserves to deal with such a horrible disease. I hope the best news possible is coming in the weeks to come.

I, too, held the hand of my husband through his divorce and there is nothing more frustrating in the world. I am just in absolute shock that there is no formal "parenting plan". We too had to buy off BM, we've officially been overpaying her for over two years. It brought much needed peace into our lives. So I do understand that need because you would end up giving the lawyer what you would save paying her. But then we enabled this behavior in a woman that is willing to hold her daughters for "randsom" so to speak. Unfortunately, this has come back to bite us and since she is used to being paid a certain amount, she is willing to try to get more parenting time to maintain that amount or get more. So we too are headed back to court to fight for what she already agreed to.

You are right sometimes your voice of reason is drowned out by the shrill shriek of the ex. He made a mistake but letting her creep back into your lives. He really needs to get some sort of parenting plan and STICK to it. Even if it be a temporary one until a permanent one can be established. Get on that lawyer's a** and tell him it needs to be taken care of NOW. You can't live your life like that - asking permission everytime he sees his daughter.

Stranger things have happened, BUT it would be really hard for her to prove he is an unfit parent based on what you've said here. Because you give her lollipops? Where is her basis for stating that you were withholding food? From the mouth of a four year old? There ususally has to be extreme circumstances, for this to fly. It's time for your BF to forge ahead at get this all taken care of so you two can move on with your lives no matter what the outcome turns out to be. Don't let him let her take control like she has.

Best of luck to you in everything that gets thrown your way....

"To the ass, or the sow, their own offspring appears the fairest in creation."

Lauren973's picture

Ugh. Let me see if I can try to answer your question:
BM likes to fantasize that she is a yogi, a wonderful wholistic and healthy vegetarian into "attachment parenting". The reality is that her daughter is underweight, has never been vacinated and was breast-fed until the ripe age of four. She is a very very picky eater, and from what we understand is the only living vegetarian who has no idea what a vegetable other than a cucumber looks like. She likes three things - pizza, pasta, and bread. She CLAIMS that BM only ever feeds her noodles, rice and or toast with jelly. Of course we understand that a four year old is not a reliable witness.
Because she is underweight, her father and I are very very concerned about her eating habits and so when she is here we try to give her HEALTHY well balanced meals. I assure you, EVERY time she comes, we go to the supermarket and buy things we dont normally stock and we cook a full meal at every meal. It was when we were at the supermarket with her that I learned she could not identify a single vegetable in the produce isle. Some vegetarian.
When she was here a few weeks ago, we had a battle of the wills. We made her a healthy breakfast, she refused to eat it. She wanted pizza. Well, her mother lacks the fortitude to deny her. We felt she should eat what was given to her and if she refused, she could wait till lunch. Lunch came, we made her a healthy meal. She refused, she wanted pizza. We waited until dinner. Her father and I sat for HOURS with her.
You also should understand that her mother has called me at 5 am SCREAMING about us giving her daughter pizza. Pizza was not going to be an option this weekend. We tried offering her other HEALTHY items, she refused. At this point, we started offering her things she normally LOVES, and she refused. She continued to REFUSE to eat until she got pizza. At this point her father was crying he was so frustrated and worried.
When we returned her to her mother, BF and BM started to talk about her eating habits. BM has been threatening BF that if he didn't DISCUSS these things with her more often (there is a restraining order in effect protecting him from her contacting him) She would not let him have his daughter.
So he told her, in the spirit of sharing information and ideas about how best to solve the situation about her refusal.
Well, BM never listens to ANY CONVERSATION that is not about her directly. She picks up a word here and a word there, and strings those words together in any context she wants or imagines to form some concept of what was said.
Thus, a few days later, the claims that BF and I are abusing the daughter by WITHOLDING food from his daughter.
This is not, however, the first time she has made completely unjustifiable claims of abuse. She once accused me of taking a bath with her daughter and offerring her wine while in the bathtub. She said that her daughter told her this. I have never bathed with her daughter, nor have I bathedher. Her father does.
We tape every conversation. We take notes everytime his daughter comes here. We bring a recorder to the child exchange. We have HOURS of cassettes.
She has assaulted him, and damaged my property, and there is a restraining order against her which she has violated hundreds of times and been arrested for on five seperate occasions.
Its a horrible situation.
Thanks for reading, and for responding. I just wanted to clarify - no way would either of us withold food from her.

luvdagirl's picture

A MOOT POINT BUT........ Okay in America we need to pass a test to get our drivers license,be a daycare provider, hell even fishing takes a freakin license but you throw a little wiggle in any whole and call it a mom-no training(okay theres sex ed, I've seen the class sylibus- hahahaha funny) and everyone is supposed to feel sorry for single moms- like there was no knowing what could happen, even if you were married theres always that chance RIGHT? And heres a real screwy point- A female could have 5 children by 5 men- if each man makes $100,000/year then so would she from child support(I didn't see that at the school job fair, but I guess I am old fashion-I hace kids cause I love them).????????????.


There is no reaon where logic does not exist