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Sunday mini-rant

DEB2171's picture

SD30 just used my credit card to pay her $270 past-due cellphone bill. I put her on my card last month in an emergency when she had a car accident & needed a credit card to rent a car. DH made it clear to her that the card was for that & emergencies only & she was to call him before using it. I have alerts set on the card so I know immediately when it is used. Needless to say, she didn't call us & a cellphone bill is hardly an emergency. I am furious! DH says she "panicked" over Sprint threatening to shut off the phone, she's very sorry & she will pay us back at the end of the month. Wah wah as usual. I told him this was her one "mistake." Happens again & I shut the card off immediately. Silence from him. Too bad. It's my credit. I'm so done with her crap. Happy Sunday!


Wicked stepmo.'s picture

Your a better person than me I would never have even allowed one of SKs access to my credit.

tog redux's picture

Shut it off now. "One mistake" is buying a shirt for $25, not spending $270 of your money that you will never see again. In fact, have DH pay you back now and then he can be the one who is owed.

A 30-year-old having a past due cell phone bill means she's terrible with money - my prediction is the second "mistake" will be a much bigger amount - a couple car payments, a month's rent ... obviously her credit is so poor that she can't get her own card, I assume she's behind in everything.

DH can put her on his own card if he wants her to have an emergency credit card.


simifan's picture

HOLY CRAP 30 !?!?!?! I missed that. Hell no. This is a GRown Ass Woman!!!! Get her off your stuff now. DH needs to pay you back immediately. Do not help her out again. She cannot be trusted. 

SteppedOut's picture

I echo everyone else. Get her off your card now! She just provided proof she can not be trusted. 

Kes's picture

$270??????  That's some phone bill.  I would have never consented to anyone else using my credit card in the first place. 

Dogmom1321's picture

No way! Remove her as an authorized user NOW. I would have never done this in the first place. A lot of parents put kids as an authorized user when they get older SO THEY CAN BUILD CREDIT. It's ridiculous to actually give a FULL GROWN ADULT access to a credit card. SMH. If your DH wants to help build her credit, HE can help her get a totally seperate card. This is obviously not working for her to be on either of yours. 

Also, revisit that phone bill. $270 is absurd. That is more than my car payment. 

ndc's picture

Why wait? You don't get one "mistake" for something like this.  No matter how panicked one is, a request to use someone else's card is required. Remove her access to the card immediately. 

Harry's picture

Take her off the credit card now.   When she payed you the $270 at the end of the month. LOL. 
You can think about giving a second chance 

BethAnne's picture

A  normal person would talk to you, explain the situation with their cell phone bill and ask if you minded if they used the credit card before charging anything to it. 

If for some reason they did somehow mistakenly use your account to pay their bill (say the card details were saved on their computer and auto-filled in the form to pay the bill) then they should have contacted you straight away and paid you back with the money that they had actually intended to use to pay the bill straight away. 

All signs point to this being a deliberate choice of hers to use the card behind your back and hope you don't notice or just apologize later when you do work it out. 

I see no reason why she needs continued access to your account. She has broken your trust and does not need a second chance to break it again. 

JRI's picture

I lived this with SD59.  Same thing, DH allowed its use for "emergencies".  Your SD has a different view of "emergency" than you do and will use it again, no question.  Save yourself some trouble and cancel it now.

DEB2171's picture

You're all right. I allowed it initially because DH doesn't have a card in his name. I fall into the trap of enabling her by enabling him. He just got a call from her about how she's "struggling with her anxiety " again - which means she's about to lose her job, probably hasn't paid her rent, etc. The pattern is always the same. Time for me to be an adult again. I'm so tired of this ...

Wilhelm's picture

This is an adult. I am in a second marriage. I will not even put my husband on my card. She thought this was an emergency goodness knows what else might come under this category. If she could not get her own credit card she does not have a good enough credit rating to have one.

DEB2171's picture

She doesn't have good enough credit to buy a stick of gum. She's a manipulative disaster in every way and DH is a world class enabler. Our marriage has been tested over the years but it's teally damaged now. I'm in the process of changing my financial POA to someone else bc I don't trust him if I became disabled.  It's a pretty depressing realization. 

hereiam's picture

I'm sorry that you are going through this. It would truly suck to think that you cannot trust your partner with your life.

I would never put my SD on my credit card, but my DH would never ask me or expect me to. He does not, and never has, enabled her and it's one reason why I've never resented her...or him. It would have definitely had a negative effect on our marriage. She's 29, by the way, and is a complete co-dependent, but not with us because we don't allow it. BM has enabled, and encouraged the behavior, all of her life (so we let her deal with it).

Many people have anxiety, many people have even worse issues going on, yet, manage to live the life of an adult. It's not easy but you do what you have to do. Unless, of course, you have a world class enabler.

I just wish these parents could see what a disservice they are doing to their kids.

JRI's picture

Reading your post is deja vu for me.  This is what happened with SD59 for years.  The abuse of our credit card, enabled by dad.  Us paying for car payments, utilities, other bills in "emergency" situations.  The sad calls to dad, " My anxiety is so bad", " I'm so depressed", "I cant get ahead". Read my blogs for the lurid details.  

Long story short, we separated our finances.  We decided on an amount that we pay to subsidize SD59.  He has a finite "allowance" to spend as he wishes, if he wants to help her with it, thats his business.  Not one more cent goes to her and I check my charge daily to ensure that.

These SKs can't handle their lives for whatever reason, poor upbringing, mental issues or whatever.  You and I have caring, kind dads who feel pity and want to help their suffering child.  My DH93 just can not and never could understand that making her stand on her own feet would have been his best gift to her.

Regardless, we have found a way for dad to help but put a limit on it.  If it were up to him, he would give her everything.  Think about it, Deb, this problem won't go away, just take different forms.  Good luck.

hereiam's picture

The sad calls to dad, " My anxiety is so bad", " I'm so depressed", "I cant get ahead".

But you don't hear them asking about referrals to a therapist, or if they should go on medication, or advice on how they can better handle their finances. It's just always a handout, money, that they want.

I never, in a million years, would think to call my dad, "I'm so depressed. Can you pay my mortgage?"

DEB2171's picture

After a big blow up a month ago, we agreed on an amount that is DH's and it's in a separate account. I pay all our expenses from a joint checking account that gets our monthly retirement deposit. Anything he spends from that account on her gets reimbursed to me from his account. The bulk of our retirement investments and all our credit is mine and I realized I have to safeguard it. It was a difficult conversation but he actually seems relieved now. He know I watch the account like a hawk. The next issue will be when he runs through his money - which may not take long. I will not spend another dime on her. That's a big reason I need to get the financial POA finished (it's with the lawyer). I never expected to have to do these things and it hurts. But it is what it is. I appreciate hearing from all of you with advice & your experiences. I don't talk to my family or friends about it so you are really my support. 

JRI's picture

Just know, you will have to watch it forever.  I am glad you're doing these things early on, thats good.  I know, I felt sad having to set boundaries, too.  But, surprisingly, my DH seems relieved.  Im guessing he uses me as the bad guy, " I'd give you this money, but mean ole JRI won't let me".  That's fine with me, I don't care, I'm disengaged from her and grayrock as much as possible.  One unexpected result is her trying to suck up to me now.  Sorry, SD59, too late.

Wicked stepmo.'s picture

That is my long future with OSD if I stick around. She started at 12 everytime she ends up with a natural consequence from her own bad choices. Her go to maneuver is to deflect accountability and try and garner sympathy so someone will fix it for her is " I'm depressed, it's my anxiety". 

Wicked stepmo.'s picture

That is my long future with OSD if I stick around. She started at 12 everytime she ends up with a natural consequence from her own bad choices. Her go to maneuver is to deflect accountability and try and garner sympathy so someone will fix it for her is " I'm depressed, it's my anxiety". 

Merry's picture

Shoot, I reported my own bio when she used my credit card without my permission. No WAY would I tolerate this.

But I don't think you can dispute the charge with your credit card company since she is an authorized user, but you CAN remove her. I would do that immediately. You were generous and she took advantage. Time for a lesson in adult responsibility.