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Umm..Your suggestions on how I should handle this or not? *WARNING* TMI

LaMareOssa's picture

Okay ladies... This is something that really bothers me. I spoke to my mom about this and she agrees with me on this. I have never personally dealt with this before because our daughter is only 8. Soo here it goes...

SD12 just started her first period in December. I have talked to her about this and many many many other private things before this. I talked to her about pads and tampons. How they're used and how to dispose of them. We have even talked about shaving the bikini area. But remember..I'm the evil step mother and she refuses to speak to me.

Anyway, back in december, I get a text from DH. The text was from SD to DH. DH forwarded the text to me then immediately called me. I won't say word for word what was in the text because it was quite graphic, just the jist of Dad, I started my period. I'm scared. Now..SD sent this text to DH from her room which is just a few feet away from the kitchen where I was standing reading the forwarded text lol DH calls me. I giggle and ask him if I needed to communicate to SD through him. He didn't find it funny. I did. I have told her over and over, until blue in the face that she can come to me with anything and we can talk, I've told her not to be worried or embarrassed etc..but she still texted DH with a quite graphic text of her bodily functions. I am far from a prude and so is DH, but I could tell DH was a little bit uncomfortable with how graphic her text was. I told him I would go talk to her. I did.

I explained, in detail, again about whats going on and why. I told her it's natural and blah blah. I even tried to make light of the situation by making her giggle a little. I told her about making sure she stays clean and about hygiene etc.. HERES MY POINT-->>> I told her that when she is disposing of a used pad/liner to roll it dirty side in and wrap it in a bit of toilet paper and throw in bathroom garbage. No other special care needed. I told her she could even wrap it in the plastic of her new pad. Not to flush them etc.

WHAT DO I FIND IN THE FAMILY BATHROOM? THE ONLYYYYY BATHROOM IN OUR HOUSE?!?!?!?!?! DIRTY pad face up! Not even attempted to be hidden out of sight or covered. Right/dirty side up on top of trash. Yesterday..SD's chore was to empty bathroom garbage. WHAT DO I FIND 10 MINUTES LATER IN THE EMPTY TRASH???? Filthy pad filthy side up in trash.

It's not only SD who lives here. It's me, her father, DD8 and DS5. Do I want to explain to our 5 year old boy what that is? No, not yet.

Has DH said anything to me? No. Has he noticed it? Oh I'm Sure! Has he said anything to SD12 about it? Not that I'm aware of.

Is this normal behavior? I don't know. I've never lived with any other women except my mother and grandmother. My friends have never left any surprises for me in my trash. I never once saw something like that in their trash and when my mom had my talk with me, she told me the same thing I told SD-Wrap it up. I thought this was what women did. I feel like it's almost natural instinct to want to cover it..I don't want ANYONE looking at my used pads--eeewwww.

Maybe SD doesn't want to do it because her sister and aunt on BM's side don't do it? I don't know. SD goes over to their house EOW, so I don't know. SD lives with us full time and never sees BM, so I can't say thats what BM has taught her.

Is it just me? Is this common?!
Also, since I've told her 2 or 3 times how to handle it, should I mention to DH that HE needs to handle it now?


hereiam's picture

That would just piss me off, since you've told her how to dispose of them.

My SD was not told by BM to wrap them before putting them in the trash so DH and I told her and she always did after that. We told her, "Nobody wants to see that. Wrap it up." To me, it's common sense, I don't remember ever having to be told. Of course, my SD lacks common sense but I'm surprised BM never said anything to her about it.

And yes, your DH can handle it now.

Seems to be kind of common on this board but I don't know why. Some kind of COD rebellion or something?

LaMareOssa's picture

I remember my mom telling me, like i mentioned, but i thought " omg mom you dont have to tell me to do that" i always thought it was common sense to do this. Maybe not....?

momandmore's picture

I always thought it was too. I never wanted anyone to know I was having my period I was always so embarrassed!

another step's picture

Sweet leaping mother of God! What is it with these girls? I found a used unwrapped tampon just a couple days ago. Even animals bury their waste instinctively!

I have no good suggestions. Hopefully someone else will but you are not alone. Nothing I have done has helped and her father is unwilling to address it. I have fantasized about putting the next one I find in a tea cup with hot water and handing it to her saying "I assumed you were saving it for something. Here you go!" }:)

hereiam's picture

Even animals bury their waste instinctively!

This made me laugh. My niece's dog tries but she doesn't get anywhere close to covering it up. It's funny to watch her think that she is, though. So proud of herself!

If only these girls had any pride or self-respect. Or any respect.

Sports Fan's picture

I did the same thing with SD 6 months ago. BM sent us an email that SD had started. DH and I talked to her. Okay, mostly me but we talked to her. Explained everything. Couple of months later, found exactly what you did in our family bathroom-we only have one as well. Explained everything again. Last month, found blood-soaked underwear. Then found out bad was also soaked. Cleaned everything. Bought more supplies(nighttime ones). Explained everything again. Told DH - NO MORE. It is unacceptable. Made it very clear if I find one more unwrapped item or an accident that isn't reported, SD is in big trouble. I mean grounded for the entire weekend trouble. There is no excuse for this kind of behavior. I am disengaged from skids but it is my house and I won't allow it.

LaMareOssa's picture

"I am disengaged from skids but it is my house and I won't allow it. " <---This exactly. I think it's disgusting and no one should have to look at it and no one wants to see it. Yes, we all know you're having your period, but we don't need to see the evidence. :sick:

I haven't had the pleasure of finding anything other than the dirty pads in the trash. I don't do SD's laundry or her bedding..and I definitely won't be touching them now.

LaMareOssa's picture

BM is not in the picture. Sd lives with us full time so i am the one who had to have these talks with her. I thought maybe sds aunt and older sister on bms side dont do this so sd feels she shouldnt do it either. Either way, sd will do it while she lives here. Its disgusting and i wont have it.

Miss T's picture

I'd don a pair of rubber gloves and then put the waste in her room, or in some other place where she's likely to be at least slightly grossed out by the sight, and will have to do something about it. In her school back pack? And remind her that she knows better. "Get rid of these properly, please. I have explained to you how to do it, and will be happy to review the procedure if you need to hear it again."

I once got stuck with skid, 20 at the time, for an entire two weeks while his father was out of town dealing with an emergency. The little bastard spent the entire two weeks shitting up my main toilet. There was crap on the seat and inside and outside the bowl. I asked him twice to clean it, put out brushes and cleaning stuff ... nothing I finally gave up and used the other bathroom. His Dad had a little chat with him when he returned.

It's amazing how common this type of disgusting behavior is among skids. I think it's a hostile, passive-aggressive message, and a way of rubbing your nose in it, as it were. It's the same as any other kind of disrespect. Handle it accordingly. If skid doesn't respond to your efforts to get it to stop, it's Dad's job. He's clearly squeamish about the whole thing, but too bad. Let him know that if he can't get through to his daughter, you'll be discussing clots with him. That should snap him right into shape.

IslandGal's picture

OMG! I wanted to gag and laugh at the same time!! This is friggin' funny as!! Let us know if you do this..and her reaction..I beg you!!

Shaman29's picture

At least your SD puts the pads in the garbage can.

The skid in my life, after being completely hygienic for two years after getting her period, decided to put the used pads in with her laundry. Still attached to her underpants. Not changing her pads enough, resulting in menstrual blood stained pants. Refused to wear a pad to bed, resulting in the mattress and two sets of sheets being ruined.

But that's not the worst of it. She started SMEARING....yes....SMEARING menstrual blood all over the bathroom. On the toilet, the sink, the counters and the wall. Everywhere.

I spoke to skid. Refused to clean up the mess. I spoke to H. He would clean up the mess but not speak to skid. I nagged H about the mess every time. He finally walked into the bathroom after her and went nuts. Yelled. No changes in her behavior.


One day I had enough. She had two friends visiting. She was just in the bathroom. I went in right after her and there was another disgusting mess. I lost it. I stomped into her room, threw open the door and step on a t-shirt of hers. I bent over, picked it up, walked to the kitchen to grab cleaner and stomped back into the bathroom and starting cleaning up the bathroom with the cleaner and the shirt. She grabs the shirt out of my hand and asked me what I was doing.

I turned to her and said something to the effect (this is years ago so I only remember the gist) "I am done. I have asked and I have been patient. No more. Going forward, if you leave another disgusting mess in the bathroom, I'm going to use YOUR clothes to clean it up. Do you understand?"

She turned and ran into the kitchen, grabbed paper towels and the cleaner out of my hands. And cleaned her mess in the bathroom. Then asked if she could do a load of laundry. I went back into the bathroom and pointed out all of the places she missed and had her redo them. Once the bathroom was clean I let her was a load of laundry.

This only happened one more time. I don't think she believed my threat. I found another mess, I walked into her room without knocking, grabbed the first article of clothing I saw and headed for the bathroom. She ran past me, grabbed cleaner and towels and ran into the bathroom ahead of me and cleaned it.

That was the last time I dealt with her mess.

My suggestion. Grab the garbage can, dump the disgusting mess on her bed and tell her you'll stop, when she stops. You've explained how to dispose of them properly and she's ignoring it and behaving like a spoiled little shit. So treat her like one.

Shaman29's picture

Oh yes. She was doing it on purpose.

Otherwise she would have stopped after the first time.

IslandGal's picture

Take pictures of it and put it on facebook - then tag all her friends and family and let them know it's hers. If you don't have facebook, upload it to your computer and email it to everyone.

Sometimes these rotten toxic monsters need to have the living shit embarrassed out of them.

Be great if we could get a sandwich board made up saying "I leave my dirty pads for others to clean" and make them wear it everywhere in public.

moeilijk's picture

I don't know about this one. I think it's DH's issue to parent, but LaMare's problem to deal with because she's the one 'seeing' it. I don't know her DH nor how deliberately blind he may be...

I'd suggest first dealing with it like I would a roommate.

Privately remind her a couple of times as soon as you see it and have her tidy it up right away. Third time say: I've asked, you've agreed, but it's not happening. I don't like it and don't want to see it again. If you do it again, I'm going to assume it's on purpose to cause me grief. Is that how you want our home life to go? I'd rather we keep it nice at home.

Now, ok... sometimes teens forget things. So once per year or something, ok... But if she's doing it on purpose, come down on her severely. Maybe something like... at dinner, shake out the garbage can onto her empty plate. That way everyone can appreciate what she's been doing, not just you? After everyone has gagged a bit, she can apologize and go clean everything up. Then she can join you for dinner.