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WTF is wrong with these men?!?! Seriously! Gonna choke someone....

LaMareOssa's picture

I don't know WTF is going on in his head! Seriously! What's going on? I know I'm not the only one here dealing with a DH who has his head in the sand or up his a....

Heres the stupid story..Please forgive my typos, I'm a little worked up.

SD13 is in soccer at school. She has practice every. single. day after school. DD8 and DS5 get out at 3:15..SD has soccer practice until 4:30ish. We usually go hmoe and then go back to the school to get SD. I don't care to watch her practice. Or the kids and I will hang out at their school so they can play on the playground. SD13 has a game today. I am the one who takes the kids to and from where ever..Doctors, dentists, parties, etc etc because I'm not working right now. I ask DH about the game TWO NIGHTS AGO. Where is this game taking place? No one knows. What time is this game over? No one knows. Is the bus going to bring SD to this mystery place? Bring her back to her school? NO ONE KNOWS. Including SD's retarded ass.
Finally last night DH gets some info out of SD13. The game is at another school but she isn't sure if the bus is going to bring her back to her school or how long the game is. I look at DH and say "You know WHAT? I'LL CALL THE DAMN SCHOOL MYSELF TO GET THE NEEDED INFO" DH says ok. I call this morning. Get my info and tell DH. He has the fucking nerve to ask me if I asked what time the game is over. No, no info on time. He tells me "well, not knowing what time her game is over isn't helping you much" dh you MOTHER FUC*&%!!!! IT'S YOUR KID. YOU NEED TO KNOW WHATS GOING ON WITH HER 24/7 NO EXCUSES!

I shouldn't be the one calling. You should, DH. It shouldn't be a f'ing mystery, DH. You need to parent your damn spawn. You need to make her give up the info, and if you can't get your daughter to give you info, then maybe your kid shouldn't be playing a sport! I understand that info is just one call away, but the coaches are obviously giving the needed info and if SD13 is too slow to remember such important info then she shouldn't play.

Something else! I have been checking SD13's planner and having her do her homework. I'm not checking the work though.DH is supposed to be doing that BECAUSE IT'S HIS KID! But no, DH has the nerve to say he thought I was checking her work..No, sir, you better get your shit together!

DH isn't parenting her. It seems he thinks he can just dump her on me. I love DH more than anything, but when it comes to this kid, he's stupid. Just stupid! He keeps telling that hes going to take away her electronics, I've yet to see it. He keeps telling her he's going to take away electronics, I've yet to see it happen.

Lastnight, I told SD she needed to do homework and study for 1 hour at kitchen table per DH. This turned into me telling her 3 different times. DH said he was going to quiz her when he got home from work. Nope, didn't happen. "It got too late" <---DH's words. UGH UGH

I know I'm not working right now, but even if I did have a normal career, like a normal person..Who would take care of SD while I was working? Who would be her chauffeur? Sure as hell not DH. SD can't be trusted alone and I sure as hell aint leaving our two kids in her care! Just because I'm not working does NOT give DH or his brat the right to not inform ME of whats going on when IT CONCERNS ME! It does not give him a right to pawn his kid off on me because he, for whatever reason, has his head in the sand or up his own ass or doesn't know what to do with her!!!!!

I also had to tell DH that SD has to register for her 8th grade classes yesterday. He had no clue this was happening at school, because SD13 telling anyone anything is like pulling teeth. I tell him this this morning and he LITERALLY GRUNTED!!!!

I'm done. I will bite both their heads off if either one of them play stupid from here on out. And yeah, I'm gonna keep taking his spawn to games and everything else because I love DH. :sick:


LaMareOssa's picture

At one point I did..partly. I wasn't involved with schooling or anything regarding her. I would still take her to appointments because dh cant take off work. Somehow I got sucked back in. I know dh can't take sd to games, pick her up etc etc.. because of his work, so I do it. I do it to help him and I love him but not I feel like he is putting it all off on me. You're right.

princessmofo's picture

He is. He's taking you for granted. It's time to give your dh a good ol'fashioned nut punch.

moeilijk's picture

This sounds like it's falling into feelings when it could be more about logistics.

Like, you're feeling taken for granted, taken advantage of, etc etc. And to STOP being so nice would feel like you're being mean or non-loving towards DH.

But maybe none of that is actual fact, you know?

I suspect you have one of the trickier disengagements to negotiate because you're willing to do a lot for SD on behalf of DH... but not do the parenting. And how he draws the line seems to be pretty far away from where you draw the line.

I think you guys can hash out the deets for the future pretty simply - it'll be sticking to them in the future that will be challenging. Maybe something like - DH is in charge of letting you know when and where SD needs to be at least 24 hours in advance (or 48 or whatever suits you). Before he asks you to do something for him or SD, he looks at the family calendar where everyone's activities are posted... if you're not obviously free, then you will have to work together for a solution. Otherwise you will do your best to help. For example.

The Tyrant's picture

I agree with princessmofo, Disengage. I have the same issues with SS13, learning to just help out when asked SPECIFICALLY and I take no initiative when it comes to him. Takes away some of the stress. My therapist calls it "natural consequence". You gotta let them fail together, do your part by asking questions once and acting on the information you have. If SD gets left at school or practice, not your fault. If SD doesnt complete chores or homework, not your problem. You have to take the stress out of it yourself. Ur ultimately not responsible for her outcome.

reality_bites's picture

It must be a man thing. I am the one who asks all of the questions about SD10. I ask her about homework, I take her to school, to cheer etc. Hell, I even pick her up from her mom's on our time! SD does cheer competitions, and I'm always asking DH, who gets the emails about the comps, when is the next one? Where is it at? What time does she have to be there? He never knows. I ask SD, she never knows. It's crazy...and drives me crazy!! I honestly think that he really doesn't think to ask until the day of. He's not a "planner" and I am, so it's just added stress to me, since I'm the one doing all the driving. For example, this coming weekend is our weekend with SD, and Monday is President's Day, so no school. I am already wondering where SD is going to go. I bet DH doesn't even know SD is off on Monday. Nor would he worry about it until Sunday night. It's maddening.

The Tyrant's picture

It upsets my DW when I say "Ms. Toya (ss13's dads wife) doesnt know how good she has it...) she doesn't have to worry about any of that. She is so disengaged it aint even funny!!! I, on the other hand have to consider school breaks and plan around ss13 days out of school. And his BF ALWAYS finds a way to "need to trade a weekend" when its a long weekend. DW then says "he, BF, had something to do and we arent doing anything...." and im like well I planned on DOING NOTHING!! Doing nothing is doing something and I wanted to do it without him all up in my grill and having to clean up his messes. KILL ME NOW!!

misSTEP's picture

You will have to figure out how to quit caring about this child. Quit caring if she fails at school. Or if she misses sports because she can't figure out how to pay attention to details. Just QUIT.

If you want to take her to appointments, great. That doesn't mean that you cannot just NOT do the rest of it. The parenting is on HIM (or non-parenting, as it may be).

BarkAtTheMoon's picture

LaMare I have the same life. BM died 2 years ago and I've had SDs FT. SD19 is at college and is ODD when she is here. SD13 has decided she wants to be a boy. I need to really try to disengage fully again so DH and SD13 can just fail on their own. DH went out of town yesterday and I took SD13 to HS registration. GIRL Scouts is tonight and guess who needs a ride? I need to quit this crap already. The emotional tug of war with myself is killing me.


Jsmom's picture

Disengage. You are doing too much for a kid that is ungrateful and not yours. He can step up.

He won't as long as you do everything. Why would he???

fedupstep's picture

I really love hearing "I don't know what to do" from DH. Yes, you do, you just don't want to put effort forward. His car was stolen last fall, did he call the police? Nope. Called me at work and asked me what to do. Cable was out. Did he call the cable company? Nope. Texted me at work and asked me what to do. Daughter is failing in school, sending naked pictures of herself to strangers online, lying, manipulating and countless other things. Did you step up and parent her? Nope. You ask me what to do. And then when I tell you what to do, you don't do it anyway.

And this is why I am always 'doing homework' when she is here.